Cure For What Ails The Leafs

Forget firing JFJ (because it finally happened!!! allegedly.) or replacing Maurice or trading away the team: sex will solve everything

Turns out that 4,000 years of conventional wisdom was wrong and that players should be taking a roll in the hay as part of a balanced pre-game ritual. Casey Stengel was a progressive manager but he spotted the flaw in letting the players try to find their own:

It's not the sex that wrecks these guys, it's staying up all night looking for it.

Emmanuelle Jannini pinpoints a reason why the Leafs might have gone from a tough team to one of the softest:

Jannini has discovered that sex stimulates the production of testosterone, which boosts aggression. He says that adult levels of testosterone, after three months without sex, drop close to those of children. It's not a good prescription for a boxer or for the moribund Leaf player.

I guess Pat Quinn gave the boys a bit of a longer leash. But the article really gives hopes to Leaf fans with this:

Another researcher, Barry Komisaruk, a physiology professor at Rutgers University in New Jersey has found that sex combats muscle pain. It does this by blocking the release of a neuropeptide, called substance P, which transmits muscle pain. And muscle pain is the last thing players need on a long shift on the ice.

That would certainly help alleviate the pain I feel in my brain muscle and heart muscle when I watch the Leafs lose.