A long time ago, in a Toronto far far away...
A New Hope
It is a period of rebuilding. Leaf bloggers, striking from their hidden base in the Barikosphere, have won their first victory against the evil Ontario Teacher's Pension Plan.
During the battle, Leafs bloggers managed to steal secret plans to the
Pension Plan's ultimate weapon, the Bell Centre, an armored hockey arena
with enough irritating fans to annoy an entire planet.
Pursued by the Pension Plan's sinister agents, Princess Stajana races home
aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save and restore the Stanley Cup to Toronto...
- Luke Schenn wonders out of his small Toronto apartment to enjoy the setting sun before being beckoned by a voice off-screen.
LUKE: Yes, what is it Uncle Cox?
UNCLE COX: Luke, we need to go get some new droids, that damn CuJo droid broke down again amd I can't write any articles unless I have a droid fact-checking my work to make sure what I'm writing is utter nonsense!
LUKE: Again? I thought I fixed him already, did you swap him in for a shootout again Uncle Cox?
UNCLE COX: Doesn't matter. Anyway, those little John-Fergusons are in town so let's go and buy a replacement from them.
- Luke and Uncle Cox are outside a John-Ferguson Truck inspecting a line up of beat up droids, until Uncle Cox stops in front of one.
UNCLE COX: What's your name?
J-55-BLAKE: My name is Jay Five Five Blake, I am a One-Time Only Forty Goal Scorer droid.
UNCLE COX: I have no need for you.
J-55-BLAKE: Sir, may I also say that I'm fluent in over 6 million forms of fist-pumping?
UNCLE COX: Alright alright, and c'mon and we'll take that Raycroft one over there too.
- They turn to leave but after taking 2 steps the Raycroft droid explodes!
UNCLE COX: Hey, what are you John-Fergusons trying to push on me?!
J-55-BLAKE: Oh my, I believe the Raycroft droid tried to make a glove-save which overloaded his internal circuitry. If I may sir, but that Ves-Two Tosk-Two unit is in prime condition. A real bargain.
LUKE: Hey Uncle Blake, what about that V2-T2 unit?
UNCLE COX: Yea we'll take it, let's go.
-Luke is cleaning the droids in his garage when he accidentially something jammed on the V2-T2 droid causing it to play back a partial holographic message.
PRINCESS STAJANA: Help me Kabby-Wan Berlobi, you're my only hope.
LUKE: What's this?
J-55-BLAKE: What is what?!? He asked you a question... what is that? Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind.
LUKE: Who is she? Her eyes are beautiful.
J-55-BLAKE: I think he was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sir -- I believe. Our captain was attached to... V2 says he's the property of Kabby-Wan Berlobi, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Maurice, but with what we've been through, this little V2 unit has become a bit eccentric.
LUKE: Kabby-Wan Berlobi? I wonder if he means old Kaberle?
AUNT BERGER: Luke! Luke! Come to dinner!
LUKE: Okay, I'll be right back.
- Dinner time.
LUKE: You know, I think that V2-T2 unit we bought might have been stolen.
UNCLE COX: What makes you think that?
LUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Kabby-Wan Berlobi. I thought he might have meant old Tomas Kaberle. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Tomas.
UNCLE COX: That old man's just a crazy old wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take that V2 unit into Toronto Star HQ and have its memory flushed. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now.
LUKE: But what if this Kabby-Wan comes looking for him?
UNCLE COX: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father.
LUKE: He knew my father?
UNCLE COX: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them working on my next series of nonsensical articles.
LUKE: Yes, sir. I think those new droids are going to work out fine. In fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to the Leafs this year.
UNCLE COX: You mean the next season before playoffs?
LUKE: Sure, there're more than enough droids.
UNCLE COX: Playoffs is when I need you the most. Only one more season. This year I'll bullshit enough on the playoffs so I'll be able to trade or draft for some more hands. And then you can go to the Leafs next year. You must understand I need you here, Luke.
LUKE: But it's a whole 'nother year.
UNCLE COX: Look, it's only one more season.
LUKE: Yeah, that's what you said last year when Colaicavo and Mitchell left.
AUNT BERGER: Where are you going?
LUKE: It looks like I'm going nowhere. I have to finish cleaning those
- Luke leaves
AUNT BERGER: Damien, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have
gone. It means so much to him.
UNCLE COX: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise.
AUNT BERGER: Luke's just not a minor-leaguer, Damien. He has too much of his
father in him.
UNCLE COX: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Luke returns to the garage only to find V2-T2 gone, so he and J-55-Blake head off to find him and they manage to do so before long.
LUKE: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going? Well, come on. It's getting late. I only hope we can get back before Uncle Cox really blows up.
J-55-BLAKE: If you don't mind my saying so, sir, I think you should deactivate the little fugitive until you've gotten him back to your workshop.
LUKE: No he's not going to try anything. What's wrong with him now?
J-55-BLAKE: Oh my...sir, he says there are several creatures approaching
from the southeast.
LUKE: Sens-people! Or worst! Come on, let's have a look. Come on. There are two Neil and Ruutu assholes down there but I don't see any...wait a second, they're Sens-people all right. I can see one of them now.
- But Luke gets knocked out from behind by a Sens-person (Alfredsson) but then the Sens-people flee when someone approaches, he checks on the unconscious Luke before turning to speak to V2-T2.
KABBY-WAN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid to play further from the net. Don't worry, he'll be all right.
LUKE: What happened?
KABBY-WAN: Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece.
LUKE: Tomas? Tomas Kaberle! Boy, am I glad to see you!
KABBY-WAN: Yonge Street is not to be traveled lightly. Tell me young Luke, what brings you out this far?
LUKE: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a droid before...there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of an Kabby-Wan Berlobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about?
KABBY-WAN: Kabby-Wan Berlobi.. Kabby-Wan? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long time...a long time.
LUKE: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.
KABBY-WAN: Oh, he's not dead, not...not yet.
LUKE: You know him!
KABBY-WAN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Kabby-Wan since oh, before you were born.
LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you.
KABBY-WAN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Very interesting... I think we better get indoors. The Sens-people are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers.
- The four have retreated to Kabby-Wan's hut.
LUKE: No, my father didn't play in the 2003 Conference Finals. He was a driver on a zamboni.
KABBY: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.
LUKE: You played in the 2003 Conference Finals?
KABBY: Yes, I was once a Maple Leaf the same as your father.
LUKE: I wish I'd known him.
KABBY: He was the best player in the NHL, and a cunning punk-handler. I understand you've become quite a good player yourself. And he was a good friend. Which reminds me... I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Kabby-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did.
J-55-BLAKE: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
LUKE: Sure, go ahead. What is it?
KABBY: Your fathers hockey stick. This is the weapon of a Maple Leaf. Not as clumsy or as random as a baseball bat. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Maple Leafs were the guardians of peace and justice in the NHL. Before the dark times, before the Pension Plan.
LUKE: How did my father die?
KABBY: A young Leaf named Darth Clutch, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Pension Plan hunt down and destroy the Maple Leafs. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Leafs are all but extinct. Clutch was seduced by the Indecisive side of the Force.
LUKE: The Force?
KABBY: Well, the Force is what gives a Leaf his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the NHL together. Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from.
LUKE: I saw part of the message she was...
KABBY: I seem to have found it.
STAJANA: General Kaberle, years ago you served my father in the 2003 Conference Finals. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Pension Plan. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Maple Leaf Gardens has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Barikosphere into the memory systems of this V2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him at the Gardens. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Kabby-Wan Kerlobi, you're my only hope.
KABBY: You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to the Gardens.
LUKE: The Gardens? I'm not going to the Gardens. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is.
KABBY: I need your help, Luke. He needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Pension Plan. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here.
KABBY: That's your uncle talking.
LUKE: Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this?
KABBY: Learn about the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Finch Station. You can get a transport there to Downtown or wherever you're going.
BEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course.
TO BE CONTINUED...
(Damned job and work)