As someone who makes a living being a contrarian, I thought it might be useful for members of the Barilkosphere to have their own version of Moneyball, its measures of success and its incredibly fucked up acronyms that lend it a sense of legitimacy and importance in the eyes of some. Charting our path towards eventual domination of the NHL can give us hope and divert our attention from the crushing failure that we have all come to know and love. To this end, I would like to suggest:
The GPS, or goalies pulled statistic. The Catholic Church has determined that pulling your goalie can lead to blindness and we are the Vatican of hockey. If you are blind, not paying attention to the objective at hand or have pulled your goalie, you are probably self-absorbed and/or your attention has been focused on something other than the game that you are playing (like himself, for example). So, if you must pull your goalie, you are not winning at any game that I can think of, and close only counts in horseshoes. As an indicator of general team suckiness, the GPS can also allow us to locate the principal perpetrators of this suckiness. If a player is fist pumping after meaningless goals, his GPS is probably very high and it is a good idea that this player keeps his head up…. or maybe not.
The PTTB is an indicator of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. Also known as the Were hE Not here, Damn we would have Excelled as being Losers, AKA the WENDEL. With all due respect to the Gordie Howe hat trick, Gordie’s godless elbows simply instilled fear in the opponent. But many people actually enjoy fear. The PTTB is a measure of the capacity of a player to demand unconditional surrender. Pugnacity is a function of the amount of blood punched out (to a maximum of 8 litres), testosterone is measured by offspring sired, truculence by the number of savage hits meted out and belligerence by the number of game winning, equalizing or go ahead goals scored. Add them together, hire a good athletic therapist and anyway you look at it, it’s a handsome number.
The FWFT statistic. or the fuck the wife and you fuck the team. AKA, the Iafrate. This is a proxy measure of team solidarity, according to which if you’re diddlin’ a teammate’s wife, the team’s fortunes tend to tank and trade action is immanent. This can also be used to measure the ability to diminish the solidarity of the other team if the teammate has a brother who plays for another team and thought he had dibs on his brother’s wife. Boasting about one’s FWFT, in combination with an elevated GPS, can also provide an alternate method of determining of just how big a dick the player is, and how much he is compensating for other limitations. I mean they have a thing for hockey players and went elsewhere right? But I digress.
The PBPH, or Post event Boasting that Proves you have 20\20 Hindsight. AKA the Cherry, or the Eklund. Though useless as a predictor, it can confirm your "common sense". The instances where this measure might prove useful often coincide with a sudden newfound ability to pronounce a European sounding name, or the beating to death of the one occasion where you may have a valid point. Essentially, It is a statistic that mathematically models the maxim that if you spew enough bullshit, eventually one of your chestnuts will be vindicated by actual events. Much like a car wreck, we have a lot of difficulty to just look away. But, in cases where such effluent is negative towards one’s team, the PBPH indicates that our guys have their eye on the prize and that they have either delegated the ass kissing to other very capable people, or have chosen to look away and not base their decisions on a lucky guess.