Christmas Contest Airing of Grievances: Sean Avery

I know I should be doing this a bout a Leaf, but I have those coming, and I felt I should say something.

Sean, you’re something of a hot topic right now and it’s high time I address you. You’ve been around and I feel like I’ve been pretending to ignore you for too long. It’s high time I finally let it out.

Sean, for someone who’s supposed to be such a great agitator and insult hurler, you’re not really that good at it. Usually someone who’s supposed to be a great shit disturber will have decent speaking skills. Let’s take a look at this interview:




Seriously, what is it with you and cameras? If you’re going to do an interview, e-nun-see-ate, bitch! Speak like a human being instead of doing that “I just got out of bed and can’t find my pants” mumble.

I know when you send those posts to Reasonable Doubt at Melt Your Face Off, you’re putting in energy and thought into your obscenities, but “sloppy seconds” is the best you can muster on TV? Way to fail to meet my expectations, cock knocker. For someone who’s supposed to be so great at insults and gum flapping and so great at the camwhoring (which is totally you, by the way) you really do epic fail. To put this in terms you can understand, it’d be like getting a porno and instead of hot fucking and sucking action, all you get is hairy bobbing man-ass (RIP Bill Hicks.) It’d be like a stripper coming onstage, taking all your money and not dancing or taking off her clothes. To put it in camwhore language, tits or GTFO.

I’m not sure what kind of Feats of Strength you could do to make up for your actions, but I have a great post NHL career idea for you. You could rent yourself out to companies as a motivator. I mean, when someone wins “Employee of the Month/Year/whatever”, who wants some lamegift certificate and a Polaroid in the wall. Weaksauce, right? Here’s what my idea would look like:

BOSS: Well, Fred, you sold the most units of anyone in the company, making you employee of the year. As your reward you have earned one pair of brass knuckles and one undefended punch to Sean Avery’s face

Workers would be happier, productivity would increase, and BOOM! Economy solved! OK fine, the last one probably wouldn’t happen, but you get the idea. Just think about it, OK sean?