As the Christmas season approaches, this may be my last chance to express negative karma before the new year. Living with five females often prohibits me from being cranky without a solid reason (basically limited to PMS in my household). Alas, a fanpost seems to be in order. In the spirit of airing of grievances, the recent 100 (sic) years of Habs history celebrations is really beginning to grate on me. Every where I look in my neck of the woods there are Kovy DVD’s, commemorative box sets, limitless takes on the design of the Hab’s jersey, those little fucking flags that people fly from their cars, future son-in-laws managing to mention 1967 in a conversation with me even though they were 5 the last time the Habs won a cup, and in general, the untenable hubris and sense of entitlement- Ohh the horror of it all. And I live 2 ½ hours up the road from Montréal and its bandwagon of "loyal" fans.
Last Monday night, I visited the Bell centre to take in a concert. And that was when it all became just too much to bear. So, here are the top reasons why I hate the Habs. (I am just too pissed to rank them, feel free to do it or add your own)
1) I parked my car downtown on Monday night because I always miss the exit for the Metro. I ended up parking on rue Stanley. And it leads directly to the Bell Centre.
2) On the night we feted Wendel, One of my daughters politely sat through the 5 hour coronation of King Patrick with her future family-in-law (and their Hab’s PJ’s with feet). When she asked to watch Wendel, they told her that they don’t get that channel. By time she had her way, Wendel’s tribute was over.
3) When I was 10 years old, The Habs were in the midst of 5 cups. When you’re ten, that’s half your life. I always thought the Habs were like those East German female swimmers who spoke with guy’s voices. I was convinced that the Leafs got the shit kicked out of them every time we met because the Habs were evil communist robots.
4) The Habs almost beat the evil communist robots, New Year’s eve, 1975
5) Several years ago, I went to a card show to get Guy Lafleur to sign his rookie card. It was a card that I had in my collection since I was a kid. I took a daughter with me, so my wife would let me go. After waiting in line for what seemed like an eternity with an uninterested 4 year old, Guy signed my card and then his pen exploded, spilling shiny gold ink all over it. While Guy desperately tried to wipe off the ink, his minions offered me more free autographed cards if I just waited in line again. I respectfully declined.
6) I recently met M. Lafleur via a shared acquaintance. He didn’t remember the incident. The dick.
7) The Habs fired Rejean Houle and Mario Tremblay. These two were my only hope for Habs fans to share the pain and futility of the Ballard years.
8) Their cancer stricken dude is called captain courageous and the fact that he spent $1 million of his own money to buy a cancer zapping machine for a hospital in Sherbrooke basically gives him a mulligan for life.
9) We got Ken Dryden after he retired from playing. He who declared that Leafs fans watch the Leafs because the "Leafs are just a habit". One could only imagine the
of listening to his motivation speeches. He essentially bored the players and coaching staff into mediocrity. Dryden was a Habs mole (see point 3)
10) Unable to admit the Hab's braintrust could have ever been mistaken, Hab's fans start to give credence to the rumour that Grabovski was a cancer in the room in MTL (look out captain courageous!), and that the Phoenix debacle was unprovoked idiocy on Grab's part. Curiously avoiding a response to the absolutely certainty that Grabs is a russian speaking Avery who can score using talent and doesn't disappear at even strength like many Hab's forwards that we know and hate (no photos please).