The Lexicon of Fat Wellwood

Editor's Note: The tampering whining is ramping up once again and that can only mean one thing: The Heroes are making a trip to come to the rescue of all of the blue and white exiles. In order to get in the mood Plan The Parade has compiled an exhaustive list of Kyle Wellwood jokes. Read 'em, love 'em, write your own.

So I suggested someone should search for all of the 'Wellwood is fat' jokes that have appeared on this site.  I guess I'm the guy going to do it (too long between Leafs games...)  If I missed anything, let me know cause I will probably miss some.  I'm not going to link to all of the articles, but I will give credit where credit is due. 

Some Provisos:

This was a lot more work that I thought it would be...also the comment made by Wellwood's trainer shortly before he was found half eaten behind GM Place.  Please note that any follow up comment that needed too much setup and wasn't rec'ed like crazy was not included.  I did not delve into the CC - the chaos, the utter chaos.

I only went back as far as January, so sue me.  I did not use links to other blogger's sites (although I do suggest you check them out because there are TONS of fat jokes there, pun definitely intended.)

First, (even though it is a quote from DGB) Spaceweed gets honourable mentions for having a Wellwood joke right in his signature.

"DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death"- Down Goes Brown on Etiquette for Jason Spezza's wedding

From Kidkawartha

Wellwood is in top shape for a adult right whale.



Combine 3 large sacks of semolina flour with a little water.
Roll into 3 foot by 3 foot squares for the world’s largest ravioli.
Fill with sausage, 3 kinds of cheese and a little tomato sauce.
If you’re Kyle Wellwood, say fuck it, skip the boiling and eat it as is.

OK, I am linking...  too much goodness from DGB

From JaredFromLondon

Our gravy blooded friend re-signs in Vancouver for 1 year for 1.2 mill.

From Strifikus

After a tough strenuous season of dedicating himself fully to the art of hockey, Welly spends his off-season relaxing in the wonderful world of "Welly Wonka".


From Chemmy

This is insane. It literally makes no sense.

How would any object be able to float with Kyle Wellwood riding on top?

OK, I'm a freakin Liar(cause I am too lazy to go through this whole thing from Zachary Zeilonka

From Forklift14

Thanks guys...

We had over 500 downloads of the ’cast last week, our best week to date.

Which means 3 more weeks like that, and we’ll have a download for every pound of Wellwood.

From Carcel Mousineau (Nathan)

don't know if they really dislike the guy or not but  when you're talking about a team that dresses in uniforms with whales on the front they shouldn't really be dissing the guy who looks like one.


From Mironov's Nose

Can Wellwood actually reach all the way around to pat himself on the back?

From blue with age

Kyle Wellwood prepares himself for tonight's game


Found by Chemmy, but it actually came from Mike Gillis

The biggest highlight of the event came when discussing the process of arbitration. Barry McDonald, the evening’s moderator, asked Gillis if a relationship with a player can become fractured if he loses an arbitration hearing. Gillis replied (and I’m paraphrasing) "The only thing fractured in a meeting with Kyle would be if we brought a scale.", which resulted in an equal amount of gasps and laughter from the crowd. Gillis was quick to reply to that by saying that Wellwood has a great sense of humour and that he likes him a lot.

From Kerry Fraser

Kyle the "Abzorbaloff" Whalewood.

Whalewood showed up in a Doctor Who episode!



Save the Whales, harpoon Wellwood!

From Loser Domi

How many Kyle wellwood is fat jokes can be made in a row?

lemme see…Kyle wellwood is so fat…

—Valderamma style: Tomas Holmstrom’s ass said "dayyyum"

—Star Wars style: Obi-Wan said "that’s no moon…"

—cinematically: "Now I know what’s eating Gilbert Grape"

—enviromentally friendly: "Someone call the parks service so we can get this beached whale back to sea!"

—naive: "I thought the Pillsbury Doughoy was just a cartoon!"

—like a concerned friend: "his knees must be in shards now from all that weight. we should get him a scooter."

—aggressively: "Man if I were that fat, I’d do self-liposuction with a shop vac!"

—politically: Kyle Wellwood was overthrown in a military coup d’etat. He is now know as the Happy Shiny Democratic People’s Republic of Kyle wellwood.

—idiotic: "he’s not that fat. He could use some scrapple. GO FLYERS!!1"

—Stephen Hawkins Style: Kyle Wellwood is filled with billions of stars

et puis, je touche


The Wellwood hosts many events!

like what, hot dog eating contests?

Ok breaking my no link rule again but:

From Robot Godzilla

OK,  if I don't link, this Fanpost will be bigger than Wellwood's waistline

From Hungry Leafs Fan

I'm sorry

But my mind cannot comprehind question 6. I spent my labour day weekend building a time machine and went into the future. Jonas Gustavsson broke the record for most shut outs and it was only 2012!

Kyle Wellwood is also still fat in the future.

Wow look at this, yet another Wellwood story that ran to fat.

From PPP


And I'm breaking my rule about not linking to a post here... this is just too golden


I watched Run Fatboy Run instead. Not, as someone noted yesterday, the Kyle Wellwood story but the Simon Pegg movie. It was the right choice.

From Mike Pelyk's Hairdo

9:30 a.m.  Maples Leaf are have short practice today because we are have it fatness testing.  Player are in very good shapes this year.  Average team fat on body she go down 4 and half of percents.  Alexie he say only 2 and half of percents can be attributed to Wellwood !! [Hit rim of drum with stick!!  John "Is Facking Lots" Michell say, "Facking Wellwood is facking fat jokes are facking never gets facking old."  We are laughs so hards blue gatorades are coming out holes in face over mouth.  Better gets out the Sham-Wows, Mischa!!]

Yet another link, cause DAMN we have a lot of 'Fat Wellwood' -centric posts

From FiftyMissionCap

I’m more excited for this game than Wellwood at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

From Kavel Pubina

The Whale returns

I thought this would be an article about Wellwood bulking up at the buffet again…

From Mattblack

Wellwood Latest To Be Probed In Transgender Controversy, Doctors Report 'Two Healthy Heartbeats'

puckurgently put this one out

I don’t know how I feel about it. 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. On the other hand, Kyle Wellwood left an awfully big jersey to fill.

(Yes, I’ve used that one before. I still like it enough to break it out again.)

and followed up by blurr1975

Kyle Wellwood ate the universe.

that’s why his jersey # is 42…

From mf37

When Kyle Wellwood scores who wouldn't have a shit eating grin on their face as GM place rocked out to "Food, Glorious Food."


How to commit suicide quickly and without a lot of fanfare

  1. Cut femoral artery in a hot tub
  2. Jump off of a bridge into ottawa traffic
  3. The Wellwood - Try to eat as much as Kyle Wellwood


The price for Kessel is rising faster than the scales under Kyle Wellwood.

Ok, Now let's look at some of the true highlights, those that we liked so much we rec'ed them green and some got Burkied:


Rumour has it when Kyle Wellowood learned of this signing he immediately begain lobbying Gillis to sign Joey's brother Ronald.


Wellwood, however, did not excel using the Buttertart style of dieting.

Say *plan the parade one more time*...

And 'lo, he ate much, but was not full
He devour-ed pork, but was not full
He devour-ed chicken, but was not full
He devour-ed steak, burgers and all manner of cow, but was not full
Only the vegetables were spared from his fatulent(new word) wrath
The Fletcher, prophet of the Burke, cast out his chubby ass unto the Vancouverites
And the Vancouverites wept, as they no longer could consume the fruits of their labour
Yet the Wellwood did not consume the fruits
Praise to the Burke, and the Burke hear our prayers

Loser Domi

dang, as if I didn’t need any more reasons to be here more…

and also, Kyle Wellwood is so fat, he jumped up in the air and got stuck. It took the mighty power of Luke’s fist to free him. Go Flyers!


Well, if the move is "larger" and Vancouver is involved, I assume Kyle Wellwood is being winched aboard the C-130 to Toronto right now.

Skinnyfish(in relation to Wellwood's raise)

Five Hundred….
Five Hundred Footlongs.

DGB's comment about Wellwood's raise

Apparently salary cap space is the only thing Kyle Wellwood won’t be eating up.


If Wellwood is in the dressing room, I would say there is little to no wiggle room at all.

And finally the comment that started my misguided attempt at this compilation


there’s a million Wellwood is fat jokes to fall back on.

About one per pound then?

Again, I apologize to everyone who made a great Wellwood joke that I did not add... the great thing about this site is, you can add them in the comments now!!!

One more little exchange for you to follow as a closer...


Yeah, stick around. It’s not about you, it’s about Berger and the hatred we all have for him.

Do you have any fat Wellwood jokes?


yeah, just a crappy one

What’s the difference between Kyle Wellwood and an Orca Whale?

One’s in a Canucks jersey, the other’s on a Canuck’s jersey.

Save your applause.

Cornelius Hardenbergh

One has an island in washington named after it, the other is mistaken for an island whenever he goes swimming.

Say *plan the parade one more time*...

One eats 600 pounds of fish every day and the other lives in the ocean

And, of course, going out to the king himself - DGB (in reference to the above comments)

An Orca whale would actually need to record double digit assists before Canucks fans would call it a playmaking center. is a fan community that allows members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Toronto Maple Leafs and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editor of

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