WARNING: ENTIRE SECTIONS OF THIS FANPOST ARE NSFW!!!

Above, a  pictorial representation of Lee "The Cheap Man-Whore" Kirby and Chris Dawson,  the Dallas Stars john who bought him.

When I first heard this story that some jerkwad  named Lee "I'm a dick" Kirby had actually sold his fake loyalty to the Leafs for $25 on ebay, I thought to myself that this must be a hoax, right? I mean, this guy is from the birthplace of Cujo and two-time world heavyweight wrestling champion, Whipper Billy Watson. Surely his proximity to those two would have taught him what being a man is about, right? Surely no person or group of people are so pathetically desperate for attention that they will humiliate themselves to the whole world AND try and deflect attention from their douchebaggery by donating the thirty pieces of silver to charity? I mean, these things have happened before with such wild success, right? Unfortunately for Mr. Kirby, and wildly fortunate for Leaf fans everywhere, it's true, and there's one less grovelling, no-self-esteem circus freak for us to worry about. You see, I've been watching the brutal season start for our beloved Leafs, and there's a very nice little unseen bonus- it rids your fan base of the weak and undeserving faster than a lion on a wildebeest.

What makes it worse is that it's not even an original idea. So, not only is Mr. "I was named for a household appliance that sucks hard" an (pardon my French) asshole who puts himself out for cheap, but he's a completely unoriginal asshole. And if you want to see something truly stomach-turning, read this thread where he writes out his first responses after being sold for less than a 2-4 of shitty Canadian beer. He even publishes his email in there, not that I'm suggesting you do anything with it.......

But it gets even better, you see. As it happens, the filthy remains of his shredded honour have been bought, and in a truly humiliating fashion, by a fan from the Dallas Stars. Y'know, Dallas, Texas? A state that came very close to triggering the sports douchebag apocalyse at one time?

The silver lining is that he's gonna fit right in down there- you see, they just love them some traitors, pathetically incompetent and corrupt assholes and attention-seeking serial fuck-ups down there. 

But this being MBA, let's look at some actual comments so we can focus our disbelief and scorn more effectively.

Here's the sad sack in his own words, from the actual ebay post-

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!! I have never seen the Stanley Cup come to Toronto (unless it is in the Hall of Fame) and the future looks just as bleak!!(1) I can take losing(2) (and actually cheer for it) if I think that it may benefit the team in the future. WELL with no first or second round pick in 2010 and no 2011 first round pick (yes you are welcome Boston) and VERY little on the way of prospects in system(3)...it is time for me to bail(4). So I am putting my allegiance(5) up for the highest bidder...just like the over paid underproducing Leaf free agents.

It's the ultimate fish-in-the-idiot-barrel. I count........ 5 instances of ignorance and/or lies in that single paragraph.

Let's review-

1. You're stupid AND blind, Lee, if you think the Leafs's future is bleak. You may have confused "bleak" with "Blake", in which case I might be able to forgive you, but you never learned to read.

2. No, you can't take losing. The evidence of it is actually the reason for the ebay sale.

3. There is a great deal in the way of prospects in the Leaf's system, but as we noted above, you can neither read nor comprehend the Internets.

4. It was time for you to bail the second you were born or the moment you decided to become a fake Leaf's fan, whichever came first.

5. Your "allegiance" is mythical, just like your manhood.

I will remove all Leaf Memorablia from my home and replace it with the team of choice of the winning bidder. I will root for my "new team"(1) whenever they are on TV. I will argue with the guys at work that my new team is the best, no matter how bad/good they are(2) (this one is easy, remember I was a Leaf fan(3). The best part for me is now I can laugh at the Maple Laughs(4). Any money raised will be given to the Southlake Regional Cancer Center in Newmarket. PLEASE SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY LOL(5)!!! No returns!! I will not go back to the Leafs!!"(6)

I hope your children don't take finance lessons from you. Get rid of all irreplaceable Leafs memorabilia for nothing, then pay actual cash money to replace it with Stars crap. There are literally no words.

1. "New team" in quotations is correct. You will obviously bail on them as soon as it is convenient. Remember, no take-backsies, my little idiot friend. There will never again be a place for you as a Leafs fan.

2. Huh. Too bad you couldn't do that for the Leafs. Of course, if you weren't such an asshole, you'd realize that.

3. You were never a Leafs fan. You thought you were, but you were sadly and spectacularly mistaken.

4. Well, no, because you won't be able to laugh through the sound of the entire hockey world (Dallas Stars fans excepted, as shallow and lacking in taste as they are) laughing at you.

5. We would have if you had given us a chance.

6. You're goddamn right you won't. That horse has bolted the barn and is long gone. When we win a Cup before the Stars, we'll think of you and just how fucking pathetic you really are.

From the Stars "fan" thread-

Please send him our congratulations on becoming a Stars fan. He is lucky to have been converted to the fan of a good team with a very promising future & lots of fine youngsters playing well. I think you will be very happy here(1). If you should ever travel here to see a game(2), there are season ticket holders here (me, for one) who can help you save money on tickets, suggest places to stay & eat, & best ways to get to the game -- even pick you up. We try to take care of our own(3), & have great sympathy for unfortunate Stars fans not living in the area. (3 friends of mine, siblings, from message boards in the LA area have now moved to this area for the Stars & college.  )

Be sure to alert him (if you haven't already) to this website & message board. He will be most heartily welcomed to post here, & will get the straight skinny from the main board(4) -- & will love listening to Ralph & Razor!

To our newest fan. You are one lucky dude -- your allegiance might have been purchased by a Florida fan!!!(5) So come enjoy our Stars. We are mostly very friendly -- surly only to obnoxious idiots(6). 

starheadlady

First, the handle. I'm not even going to touch it. Although I'm sure you're welcome in the Stars dressing room.

The rest:

1. This is probably true. It takes very little to make short-bus riders happy.

2. I highly, highly don't recommend that. Wait, I take that back, I'm going to advise you to get charged with first degree murder as a Canadian citizen.

3. Yes, you do. Permanently. Even women. And they do it with a smile and a wink.

4. That will happen when Dubya's new house freezes over.

5. I'm getting the feeling even Panther fans would give this guy the boot, and they're seriously sad. I mean, look at their captain.

6. If this was true, that entire message board would be surly.

One last one, the first post as the NHL's version of Judas Iscariot (on the same Stars thread)-

Hi
Yes I am!! I just bought a game worn Stu Barnes jersey, a couple of polo shirts and a Tee shirt...I am going to look at so 8x10 for my man room! Thanks for the offer...my address is:
Lee XXXX
XXXXXXXXX
Keswick, ON
Thanks Again!
Lee

You know what they call people who thank their captors/rapists? Ya, that's what you are, Lee. And just to get this straight, you don't have a "man room". Owning one requires the little detail of being a man.

Which leads to the next thing- I don't think Lee thought this one through very far. There are things that exhibiting loyalty protects you from, and although they may be subtle, believe me, they can turn out to be critical. Some examples-

1. Your come home from work and your wife proudly shows you the $50 bill she got for banging your ugly neighbour. What do you say?

Good work, honey, you did twice as good as I did when I became a whore! I love your initiative!

2. You are walking to the convenience store late at night because your self-loathing is making you crave a gallon of ice-cream, and you come upon your child turning it out on Main Street, Keswick, for $5 a throw. What do you say?

Look daddy, 2 more tosses and I'll have made as much as you did when you turned yourself out for a Stars fan!

That's great, sweetie- so glad to see you're taking after your daddy so well.

3. Years pass, and the spectacular stupidity you exhibited in selling out your history as a Leafs fan comes back to haunt you time and again, and becomes unbearable when they win their 3rd Cup in 8 years. You can't live with yourself any longer, but you made a promise to never return, so what do you do?

Here's my suggestion, and it conveniently ties in with your last name's heritage.

To finish up this line in the sand, just two more things. I'd like to suggest right here that we present a new reality show idea to CBC, where we go up to whatever resembles downtown Keswick, Ontario, and, using a bullhorn, offer $25 to anyone who is willing to humiliate him or herself publicly. Lee Kirby does NOT get to participate, but first prize will be a free full-force kick to what's left of his gnads .

Lastly, here's a little goodbye present from the fans of the magnificent team you were never, and never will be, a fan of. Go DIAF, Lee, and take all the other people who don't have the character, loyalty and passion to be a Leafs fan with you.

via farm4.static.flickr.com

Mouth-Breathers Anonymous- we peruse the morons so you don't have to.