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Around SBN: Jerry Sandusky's Wife Tries To Run A Reporter Over

The Tavares Race!

With my prodigous mathematical skills, most notably the ability to add and subtract, I have determined what needs to happen for the Maple Leafs to get themselves a lottery pick. Since the new SBN "Fancy Picture Widget" hates everything but plain text next to funny photos of Brent Sutter realizing no one wants to buy a 12 page biography, the table with data for you all to verify will come at the end of the post, instead of right here where I want it.

[TABLE SHOULD BE HERE, CURSE YOUR BONES BRENT SUTTER]

In terms of moving up, Toronto better not move up. That would make me an unhappy camper. Coming up in the schedule are Buffalo and Ottawa who I hate dearly, but we had our fun with Buffalo already this week, and I think we can all agree that losing one game to each of them to hurt their draft pick and help ours is well worth it.

The plan:

1. Toronto goes 0-0-2. They need to do this because Phoenix holds the 5th lottery spot at 75 points.

2. Los Angeles picks up 1 win, anything else is gravy. 1-0-1, 1-1-0, 2-0-0 it doesn't matter. If LA goes 0-0-2, the Leafs should win the tiebreaker based on points between the clubs, which is almost certainly what will happen because that's how it works.

3. Phoenix goes 2-0-0. That ties them in points with the 0-0-2 Toronto Maple Leafs and Phoenix wins the first tiebreaker, wins.

Time to stink it up boys! 5th worst is the best shot the Leafs have at Tavares, where they'd have an 8.2% chance of winning the lottery and having every writer in the western hemisphere who knows how to spell hockey furiously penning their "TORONTO RIGGED THE DRAFT" articles.

Ps. Burke, if Toronto finishes in a lottery position and you don't rig the draft, I'm going to lose a lot of respect for you.

Standings_040809_medium

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I dont hate the picture widget, we just arnt talking right now

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 11:33 AM EDT reply actions  

Dallas?

Wow, I hadn’t realized they’d dropped so low….

by Karina on Apr 8, 2009 11:34 AM EDT reply actions  

Yikes

Me neither. The good news: 1 pt for the senators and the Leafs can’t catch them.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions  

I'm not holding my breath

Phoenix plays the Sharks and the Ducks. They should easily be able to lock up the 5th spot. Draft day miracle by Burke seems to be our only hope.

A Nation of Masochists

by Carcel Mousineau (Nathan) on Apr 8, 2009 11:40 AM EDT reply actions  

The best part about being a Leafs fan is being hilariously optimistic about things, despite the fact that the absolute worst case scenario happens 100% of the time.

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Apr 8, 2009 11:44 AM EDT up reply actions  

99%
I mean we did draft the best player last year

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 11:45 AM EDT up reply actions  

yeah

and they lost badly last night so I don’t see them winning their las ttwo games…

by Karina on Apr 8, 2009 11:50 AM EDT up reply actions  

A hand up, not a hand out

As loyal fans, I think it is our duty to help those who can’t, or won’t, help themselves. If the goal is to stink out the joint while still giving 110%, we must adopt the strategy that the soviets used to use to disturb opposing players. Effective immediately we must start phoning Leafs at their domiciles or hotel rooms when they are most likely to be sleeping. In the case of Matt Stajan, we can just tell his mom to wake him up, we found one of his missing socks. They will give their all, but the sleep deprivation will make them skating zombies

by blue with age on Apr 8, 2009 11:46 AM EDT reply actions  

Fill the water bottles on the bench with warm whole milk.

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Apr 8, 2009 11:47 AM EDT up reply actions  

laced with Thorazine

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 11:48 AM EDT up reply actions  

Tell Luke that Carrie Underwood is on the rebound and at the game tonight

by blue with age on Apr 8, 2009 11:50 AM EDT up reply actions  

luke doesnt roll with sloppy seconds

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 11:53 AM EDT up reply actions  

Uh, Carrie Underwood dated Mike Fisher. I don’t want creeps like her around our team, thanks.

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Apr 8, 2009 11:54 AM EDT up reply actions  

The reason Mike Fisher is still alive is that Luke already met Carrie Underwood

Running over terribleness in search for something positive about the Leafs. Anything? Anyone?!

by blindfolded tank driver on Apr 8, 2009 11:54 AM EDT up reply actions  

Is Carrie Underwood the one who did that Jesus Take the Wheel song?

by Kim Jorn on Apr 8, 2009 12:00 PM EDT up reply actions  

I thought it was Heatley Take the Wheel

A Nation of Masochists

by Carcel Mousineau (Nathan) on Apr 8, 2009 1:42 PM EDT up reply actions   2 recs

Ouch.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Apr 8, 2009 1:58 PM EDT up reply actions  

She’s dating Fisher right? I think I read that somewhere.

Personally, I’d rather Jesus drove.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 2:08 PM EDT up reply actions  

Uh, Carrie Underwood dated Mike Fisher. I don’t want creeps like her around our team, thanks.

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Apr 8, 2009 11:54 AM EDT

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Apr 8, 2009 2:31 PM EDT up reply actions  

weird...

out here in the Pacific time zone, that post is from the future…

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
The Left Coast Lock

by blurr1974 on Apr 8, 2009 2:37 PM EDT up reply actions  

sar⋅casm
   /ˈsɑrkæzəm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sahr-kaz-uhm] Show IPA
–noun 1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 2:39 PM EDT up reply actions  

Only Turkey and Turkey by-products at the pre-game meal

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 12:07 PM EDT up reply actions  

replace water in water bottles with straight vodka

Making stuff up since real Leafs news is far too depressing

by loser domi on Apr 8, 2009 6:36 PM EDT up reply actions  

If they’re like Belfour they’d play better.

A Nation of Masochists

by Carcel Mousineau (Nathan) on Apr 9, 2009 12:03 AM EDT up reply actions  

Call Grabbo's place

And leave fake messages from the Kostitsyns that they just dated his mom. He’ll snap.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Apr 8, 2009 12:45 PM EDT up reply actions  

we want him to play bad, not go to jail for pineapple related murder

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 12:50 PM EDT up reply actions  

Is there a new law

on the Toronto municipal books for that? “The Grabovski defence”- Your honour, the pineapple was calling to me. I had to destroy it and any humans near it.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Apr 8, 2009 1:57 PM EDT up reply actions  

If he keeps that up he’ll likely end up the mayor.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 2:08 PM EDT up reply actions  

TICKETS

Anyone want tickets to tonight’s game, the return of Dominic Moore, and the 1000th game in the illustrious career of one BRAD MAY???? MAY-DAY! MAY-DAY!!

Section 307, Row 17. $100 for the pair.

Sports And The City

A Toronto sports blog, where we unequivocally and unapologetically support the home team...

PLAYOFFS!!!!1

by eyebleaf on Apr 8, 2009 12:07 PM EDT reply actions  

gah!

I hate you!!! I want to go so bad!
Have any for Saturday?

by Karina on Apr 8, 2009 12:23 PM EDT up reply actions  

sorry my dear, only tonight.

Sports And The City

A Toronto sports blog, where we unequivocally and unapologetically support the home team...

PLAYOFFS!!!!1

by eyebleaf on Apr 8, 2009 12:27 PM EDT up reply actions  

*pout*

oh well, the Marlies game will do.

by Karina on Apr 8, 2009 12:30 PM EDT up reply actions  

try ticketmaster on saturday morning.

my friend who is selling these tickets tonight said her friend picked them up on ticketmaster just two days ago.

so, there’s still hope for you yet.

Sports And The City

A Toronto sports blog, where we unequivocally and unapologetically support the home team...

PLAYOFFS!!!!1

by eyebleaf on Apr 8, 2009 12:32 PM EDT up reply actions  

goddamnit! I just booked two viewings, I would so drive to Buffalo for that shit

I hate you!

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 12:42 PM EDT up reply actions  

it’s at the ACC.

i already had to turn down tickets to tonight’s game. we just can’t afford another win right now.

by daoust on Apr 8, 2009 12:59 PM EDT up reply actions  

well same thing, Toronto Buffalo, both about the same drive time

Because Taking The Leafs Seriously Is Not An Option

by JaredFromLondon on Apr 8, 2009 1:04 PM EDT up reply actions  

i was just saying.

by daoust on Apr 8, 2009 3:14 PM EDT up reply actions  

Good man

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 1:35 PM EDT up reply actions  

it’s amazing the personal sacrifices i make for the good of this team. /pats self on back

by daoust on Apr 8, 2009 3:15 PM EDT up reply actions  

I thought you could only move up 2 spots in the lottery. So, if the 5th place team won the lotto they would only get the 3rd spot. I’m pretty sure the NHL has it set so that you can’t rise or fall more than two spots from where you finished. At least that was how it was for the draft when we got Ovechkin (went from 3 to 1 but we could not have gotten him if we were 4 or 5).

by Rob Parker on Apr 8, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions  

Nope

You can only fall one but you can only move up 4.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 8, 2009 3:53 PM EDT up reply actions  

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