The 2009 Toronto Maple Leafs Golf Tournament

First ever fanpost!!! Okay, so after taking far too much joy in the announcement of Jacques Martinzzz.... as new head coach of the Habs, and giving far too much grief to Canadiens fans in my office, I figured I needed to do something to balance out the karma so that the Leafs don't get bit in the ass. Consider this my act of contrition.

The Toronto Maple Leafs held their annual Golf Tournament yesterday, at a private golf club in the Muskokas. with Pavel Kubina earning honours for defeating Matt Stajan after 20 holes. 

After both finished with a score of 3 under par, the two went back to the 18th hole to determine the winner. Both seemed entirely befuddled by this event known as a “playoff”, but after someone reminded Kubina, who has become a tremendous golfer over the last 3 years, what a playoff was, he easily parred the second hole of the playoff to win. A similar explanation was provided to Stajan, who looked at the person as if he had just been hit in the face with a soccer ball. 

Kubina said that he was happy to have won, but was disappointed to hear that winning the title no longer comes with an automatic no-movement clause. He was also confused by Brian Burke’s comment that it was too bad that he won’t be able to defend his title. 

Other notable scores and events from the tournament

-         Jason Blake was forced to take several breaks to apply up to six bottles of sunscreen, including an embarrassing incident on No. 8 when the club slipped right out of his hands. He eventually withdrew, citing fatigue in his right arm from fist-pumping all the way to the next tee after every made putt, including a particularly vigorous routine after a six-inch putt for triple bogey on hole No. 12. 

-         Luke Schenn finished one shot behind at two under, after he was forced to take a two-shot penalty after his ball landed in a small pond, and he proceeded to walk onto the water to play his next shot. 

-         Lee Stempniak submitted a score of three over par, which was good for a sixth place tie with Ian White and Nik Hagman. However, nobody could confirm Stempniak was actually on the course, and he was disqualified. 

-         Bryan McCabe, Darcy Tucker, and Mats Sundin were all invited to play in a group with Tomas Kaberle. When asked about inviting the former players back to play in what is typically a team-only tournament, Tomas said “They were in the neighbourhood, I just wanted to be polite.” 

-         Reports indicated that Dominic Moore was locked outside of the gates of the club by Brian Burke. As Moore begged and pleaded to be allowed to play with the rest of the Leafs, Burke walked away laughing. 

-         Mats Sundin failed to register a score after he was completely incapable of selecting a club with which to tee off on the first hole. 

-         Prior to teeing off, McCabe and Tucker drove around the practice area, crashing golf carts into another. On the 14th hole, they each took out drivers and took turns clubbing each other in the knee. At the reception, Tucker could be heard saying he could have won if it wasn’t for injuries. 

-         At the reception, a waiter innocently asked McCabe if he would mind moving. McCabe responded with a tirade about how he loved the city, and didn’t want to uproot his family. The waiter apologized for the confusion, and began to set up the buffet two feet to McCabe’s left. 

-         Damien Cox won the booby prize for the worst score, playing in the media group. Rumour was that he played the entire round with the other end of the club, like a pool cue. He seemed incredibly pleased with himself, despite finishing far behind the other participants with a score of 986-981. 

-         Howard Berger was performing admirably after sixteen holes, shooting five over par to that point. However, after his limo driver told him that Stajan was eight shots ahead with two holes to play, Berger refused to play the last two holes, screaming at the small group of spectators “I only play when it matters!” and “It’s all your fault!” 

-         Mike Van Ryn successfully managed to play the entire round without injuring himself. However, while walking into the ballroom where the reception was being held, he tripped on a stair. Unconfirmed reports state that Van Ryn had to be put down on the spot like a racehorse. 

-         Brian Burke and Ron Wilson played in the last group of the day with two unidentified twins with reddish hair. The group did not submit scores, as Burke spent the entire round berating someone named “Watters” over the phone, while Wilson and the twins were involved in a lengthy discussion which included whether they thought Brayden Schenn, Matt Duchene, or John Tavares would make a better linemate, as well as a conversation about their opinion of Jay Bouwmeester.