Editor's Note: Brunswick Bruiser has started to make Sunday his own as he introduces us to the Gospels of Our Luke and Saviour's teammates.
As you may know, the four Gospels were supposedly written by contemporaries and near-contemporaries of Jesus. It is therefore believable that the works of Schenn would be chronicled by his own teammates. The gospels of Poni, Blake, White and Stajan are the testaments of some of his closest teammates. They who walk in the shadow of his Truculence, and benefit, in scoring, ice time, and the chance to play more offensively through his solid defence.
While the Old Trucument details the works of Clark and his ilk, and of the great designs laid out in the world beyond time for the coming of OLAS and his works, the New Trucument Is the province of OLAS himself and his mighty deeds.
(Please don't expect immaculate continuity. I work this things out on a piece-by-piece basis, and simply don't have the fortitude to dig through all of Leafdom to make this Bible chronologically sound.)
And now, a Reading from the Gospel of Blake.
1:1 The beginning of the gospel about Luke Schenn, the Son of Clark.
1:2 It is written in Horton the prophet: "I will send my scouts ahead of you, who will observe your talent,"
1:3 "a voice of one calling in Kelowna, 'Prepare the way for the Schenn, make straight paths for him.'
1:4 "And so Fletcher came, drafting in the Ottawa region and preaching a strategy of Moving up a few spaces from seventh overall.
1:5 The whole Ontario countryside and all the people of Toronto went out to watch. They crossed their fingers, they were seeking truculence in Kelowna.
1:6 Fletcher wore clothing made of black cloth, with a golden tie around his neck, and he drank bottled water.
1:7 And this was his message: "After me will come one more truculent than I, whose rebuild I am not worthy to more than begin.
1:8 I draft with talent, but he will rebuild with the Truculent Spirit."
1:9 At that time Schenn came from Saskatoon in Saskatchewan and was drafted by Fletcher in Ottawa.
1:10 As Schenn was coming up onto the stage, he saw heaven being torn open and the flashbulbs descending on him like a dove.
1:11 And a voice came from Kelvington: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."
1:12 At once the Clark sent him out into training camp,
1:13 and he was in the training camp forty days, being hounded by the media. He was with the wild prospects, and trainers attended him.
1:14 After Fletcher was done, Schenn went into the pre-season, proclaiming the truculence of Burke.
1:15 "The time has come," he said. "The Kingdom of Post-season is near. Rejoice and believe the good news!"
1:16 As Schenn skated along the blue line, he saw Ponikarovski and his buddy Grabovski casting a pucks into the net, for they were forwards.
1:17 "Come, follow me," Schenn said, "and I will guard the back end and make you scorers of 25-35 goals."
1:18 At once they left their practice and followed him.
1:19 When he had gone a little farther, he saw White son of Steinbach and his buddy Stajan on the bench, preparing their sticks.
1:20 Without delay he called them, and they left the bench, jumped the boards and followed him.
1:21 They went to Wendel Clark's Classic Grill and Sports Lounge, and when the food came, Schenn dug in and began to teach.
1:22 The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who was hungry for victory and hamburgers, and not as one content with a paycheque.
1:23 Just then a fan in the restaurant who was possessed by an evil spirit cried out,
1:24 "What do you want with us, Schenn of Saskatoon? Have you come to mislead us? I know who you are—the Chosen One of Clark! We lost draft picks to get you! We can't score! 1967!"
1:25"Be quiet!" said Schenn sternly. "Come out of him!"
1:26 The evil spirit jerseyed the man violently and came out of him with a shriek.
1:27 The fans were all so amazed that they asked each other, "What is this? A new defenceman, and with truculence! He even calls out 67ers and they obey him."
1:28 News about him spread quickly over the whole region of Leafs Nation.
1:29 As soon as they left Wendel's, they went with White and Stajan and Ponikarovski to the house of Grabovski.
1:30 Grabovski's mullet was not looking so hot, and Schenn came and recommended a stylist.
1:31 So he went to her, and she took his hair and made it fabulous. The blandness left it and it was sweet.
1:32 That evening after sunset the players brought to Schenn all their fans.
1:33 The whole town gathered at the ACC,
1:34 and Schenn impressed many who had doubts. He also drove out many 67ers, but he would not let the 67ers speak because they were punks.
1:35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Schenn got up, left the ACC and went off to a solitary place, where he made fists.
1:36 Ponikarovsky and his teammates went to look for him,
1:37 and when they found him, they exclaimed: "The Media is looking for you!"
1:38 Schenn replied, "Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby suburbs—so I can practice there also. That is why I have come."
1:39 So he traveled throughout the GTA, practicing in their rinks and eating in their restaurants and driving out 67ers.
1:40 A man with a Sens jersey came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean."
1:41 Filled with truculence, Schenn reached out his fist and socked the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"
1:42 Immediately the Sens jersey left him and he was cured.
1:43 Schenn sent him away at once with a strong warning:
1:44 "See that you don't try to open your jaw for a few hours. But go, show yourself to the people of Ottawa and offer the clapping and stomping that the ACC has commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them."
1:45 Instead he went out and began to taunt Sens fans freely, spreading the news. As a result, he could no longer enter Ottawa openly but stayed outside in less silly places. And the fans still came to Schenn from everywhere.
In Nomine Clarki, et Schennis, et Spiritus Burkus, Amen.