Me, Nicky K !!
Hello Maples Leaf fan. My name Nikolei Kulemin but my friend they are calling me Nicky K. I am young Maples Leaf winger making star and I am to be writing blog for you about exciting news of training gulag. My friend Mischa and Alexie are telling me of many fan who want know more of inside locker room and other players shanahanagins. Alexie he say start with joke and everybody in Bigballofbarilkos will be smile big-time.
So, joke numbers 1: Siberian wolf-hound he walks into bar. Man who give out vodka say, "What is with that long jaw and big long nose?" [This joke it everytime assassinate me also!! Funny stuff!!]
So, here it go my big day:
5:45 a.m. Have really big pissing. We are have so much beers last night so that we not getting dry out like swedish goalperson.
5:53 a.m. Are going back in beds another times. I am notice for first times that twin garls are gones home to Rexdale. They are having it school today.
6:30 a.m. Gets up real this time. Am make it "smoothie" in Ronco Juiceomatik: spirulina green algae, kelp extract, whey powder, banana, cabbage, potato, donuts. She go down good like fat twin. Also eat some baconeggs. Alexie tell me eat many of bacon and Maples Leaf fan are make fan club for me.
7:00 a.m. Mischa he come drive me for hockey. Practice in place near Detroit call Etobicoke. I am telling Mischa he drive like girl. He say, "I am drive same way you drive fat twin". We are laughing so much smoothie are coming up my belly and out holes in my face over my mouth. I am wiping up face with Sham-Wow. Mischa are buying 500 or 2000 those thing from TV. He like Sham-Wow guy late night.
7:30 a.m. Arriving Etobicoke ice palace after lost only little in Oakville. Mischa is parking car beside Coach Wilson Dodge Caravan. [Better not scratch and gets coach mad, Mischa, or maybe you gets Jamal Mayers for winger !!] Today Brian Burke is come watching us. We can know this because hearse is park by zamboni door. Kabby be say, "If Burke is being here, who are running Hell?"
7:45 a.m. Begins warm it up with soccer ball made of nerf. Another crazy Canadan invention nerf. Like space arm but softer. We are not knowing why is made of nerf. Stajy can really hit ball good with heads.
8:00 a.m. Put on equipments. Somebodies have putting shaving cream in jock's strap agains. But John "Is Facking Lots" Mitchell has looks in eye of cat that is eating many dead birds from cage.
8:15 a.m. I am seeing for first time Mike Komisarek. He are very bigs and manly. He are reminding me very much of late-night TVLand hero Herman Munster.
8:22 a.m. Alexie is saying time for tell more joke: So, Georgian peasant woman she walks in bar. Man who pour vodka he are saying, "What is with fat jowly face and head kerchief, Babushka?". She are saying back to hims, "Мочиитесь, ишак-сторона". [Alexie he go red in face and peeing so funny. But not to worrying Maples Leaf fans, I also am no getting this joke.]
8:33 a.m. We are skate very hards. Coach Wilson say we are must gets better shape so we are still looks fast at end of game we are losing. We are do skate drill, rush of lines, three-on-twos. I am very very happy no two-on-ones. Two-on-ones just about assassinates me last nights.
9:06 a.m. We are do it shoots-out. I am try score on swedish goalperson. I am bake-it and shake-it left and I am bake-it and shake-it right and I am go fives-hole. But I am just not can score fives-hole. Alexie he try dipsy. Mischa he try doodle. But all can no score fives-hole.
9:30 a.m. Maples Leaf are have short practice today because we are have it fatness testing. Player are in very good shapes this year. Average team fat on body she go down 4 and half of percents. Alexie he say only 2 and half of percents can be attributed to Wellwood !! [Hit rim of drum with stick!! John "Is Facking Lots" Michell say, "Facking Wellwood is facking fat jokes are facking never gets facking old." We are laughs so hards blue gatorades are coming out holes in face over mouth. Better gets out the Sham-Wows, Mischa!!]
9:42 a.m. Swedish goalperson go into shower. Now everybodies know why he called "monster". Even Alexie is be blushing. Last time I see such monster I am watch Sesame Street mumpet call Snuffleupagus. This also help explain why no can score on swedish goalperson fives-hole. I am notice more of other player now covers up their "Steve Thomas" with towel come out of shower. Vesa is nowheres of be found.
The Monster (not exactly as illustrated).
9:48 a.m. Jason Blake is first come back from fatness testing. He say doctor are giving him jar Vitamin D and are telling to him get more sun. We are laughings like a heck. Especially after he leave.
Colton Orr wants me tell his joke on blogs to Bigballofbarilkos also. I am sure not going stopping him. Not without gun!! So, Jason Blake goes in barplace. Man who give out vodka are say, "You are so facking white you look like you are never seeing sun. Men who are never seeing sun are miner. We are not can serve miner." [This is not even joke. But we are all laughings like hell anyways. When Mr. Orr is going out of room we all stops laughing right now. Thats was some close one!!]
10:39 a.m. Except for fatness testing us Maples Leaf are finish for morning. [Except for Tosky, who is finnish in afternoons too and at night!! Fack, I assassinate me!!] So far training gulag is going very fine. I am sure hope stick with bigs team again this year. I am not wanting go to Marlies and having to move to different cities. I am thinking I am only having beat out Mayers or Hanson for get spot. If I stay on bigs team I am ask Mr. Burke for smaller number. Maybe number 12. Nobodies are using it.
11:32 a.m. We are go for lunch. We are growing athletes and are need good nutrition. Is such shame have to sneak many beers into McDonalds.
I am blog more after naps. Smells like you laters.