Söme Åssembly Required.

by Mattblack on Sep 19, 2009 6:21 AM EDT in From The Branches Comment 52 comments

Hellö everybödy ånd welcöme tö flåt påck, self-åssembly FTB, dåted Såturdåy September 19^th. Pleåse tö be ensuring thåt yöu håve å cleån, well ventilåted spåce för this cönstructiön. Ensure nöt tö inhåle töö much funky glue, lest yöu end up like writing like Eyebleåf. Åre we reådy, super röck furniture fåns? Let’s be göing!

STEP ÖNE – Kit will include måny, måny pieces öf pieces öf PhilKessel. First tåke items mårked Dr Steve, Döwn Göes Bröwn, mf37/bitter leåf, jrwendelmån, HöckeyCentric ånd Måple Leåf Höt Stöve ånd plåce tö öne side.
STEP TWÖ – Isölåte items mårked Töröntö Spörts Mediå, Puck Dåddy, Höckey Ånålysis, NHL Fånhöuse, Båttle öf New Yörk ånd Stånley Cup öf Chöwder ånd åttåch tö cörrect pieces listed åböve. Prestö! Yöu håve built Mönöbåll PhilKessel! Påt ön båck ånd retire för teåcup.
STEP THREE – Tåke å stride båck fröm PhilKessel jöy/wörry. Plåne preseåsön gåme three review by TML Nåtiön tö å smööth finish ånd åwåit STEP FÖUR.
STEP FÖUR – Åh! Möst wönderful öf åll steps! Åffix 10 things nöt tö be töö excited åböut fröm cåmp by Dr Steve tö item prepåred in STEP THREE. Leåve för måny höurs tö set.
STEP FIVE – During måny höurs, tåke måny steps döwn the låne öf the memöry with Vintåge Leåfs.
STEP SIX – Önce dry fröm teårs öf memöry, tåke in pictöriål evidence fröm Gen. Börschevsky ånd the TRUTHULENCE. Burn evidence. Leåve NÖ tråce öf STEP SIX (möst impörtånt).
STEP SEVEN – Löök upön yöur wörk ånd be pröud. Åpply tö sing söngs öf påtriötic fever åt löcål spörting event, feåturing Leåfs öf Töröntö.
STEP EIGHT – Put seriöus håt ön för å while ånd leårn åböut clösure öf löcål höckey fåcility in Dållås – Actually, you should really check this out - it's a good read.

No more umlauts tomorrow, I prömise.

Late breaking update: Archi's all about Viktor Stalberg - with or without an H.

3 recs | Comment 52 comments

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Best FTB of ALL TIME!

Vintage Leafs Blog

by somny on Sep 19, 2009 8:13 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Agreed, no offence to any other FTB’er. Umlauts, for goodness sake – UMLAUTS!!!1
Mattblack is full of win.

jrwendelman
The Artist Formerly Known as "Junior", who blogs at heroesinrehab.ca/blog

"But if someone so eager to engage into fist talk, we can always meet after season end in Minsk." (Mikhail Grabovski and a well-meaning but not particularly skillful translator)

by jrwendelman on Sep 19, 2009 8:52 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

agreed

love it Mattblack!

"Sanity is not statistical." - George Orwell, a Leafs fan...
Stalk me here...

by blurr1974 on Sep 19, 2009 1:25 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

i luv it very much

Как хотел я

by sleza on Sep 19, 2009 4:28 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Man, that was challenging on my eyes. All those little symbols above the vowels freak me out. I need to go back bed maybe.

Skol!

by general borschevsky on Sep 19, 2009 8:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

my brain hurts

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 8:16 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I believe in Vernon Wells!!!1
Playoffs!!!!1

mmmmmmmmm glue……….. !!!1

Life as a Toronto Sports Fan?... *sigh*... It is what it is...

by JohnnyG on Sep 19, 2009 8:20 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I would like to put in early dibs on the “Two and a Half Men” Line for whatever line Phil Kessel plays on this season. You’re welcome!

"I'd walk into the Leafs dressing room to get ready for the day and Harold would be there in his boxer shorts shaving. King Clancy would drop by a little later, play the fool, and then head off to the racetrack." John Brophy

by Mike Pelyk's Hairdo on Sep 19, 2009 8:23 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs

ignore that “rec’d” down below, because it was supposed to go here.

Vintage Leafs Blog

by somny on Sep 19, 2009 8:30 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

rec’d

Vintage Leafs Blog

by somny on Sep 19, 2009 8:29 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Funniest shit I've read all morning...

"It didn’t have to end this way. Phil Kessel could have remained part of the core, a key cog to build around for years to come in the city of Boston. He could’ve helped bring the organization it’s first championship in nearly four long, arduous decades. He could’ve ruled this town, representing the Black and Gold at All Star Game after All Star Game, contending for the Maurice “Rocket” Richard trophy season after season. His efforts and accomplishments over the next decade and beyond would’ve meant the world to championship-starved fans of the B’s. With $27 million making it’s way to his bank account over the next five years, however, we now know what really matters to Phil Kessel."

Yeah those “championship-starved” fans in Boston… must be really hard living with championships in Basketball, Football, AND Baseball in the past 5 years. Can somebody say hot steaming pile of crap covered douchebags?

AND yes I know some people that “run” things around here like the Patriots and Red Sox… but seriously… joke…laughing …

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

- Sir Winston Churchill

I'm pretty sure he's talking about the Leafs.

by Steve@Leafs.HockeyAnalysis.com on Sep 19, 2009 8:44 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

On the other hand, if you’re primarily a Bruins fan and you see everyone else winning championships, it gets annoying. I’m glad they did, though, especially since it puts pressure on the Bruins to succeed.

I’d trade 17 NBA championships for one more stanley cup.

Join me on the Hockey Blog Adventure! (or Twitter.) GO BRUINS! (and Wild!)

by Cornelius Hardenbergh on Sep 19, 2009 12:59 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

And that’s why we love CH.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Sep 19, 2009 1:11 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

awwwwwwww

Now get out there and overpressure Phil.

Join me on the Hockey Blog Adventure! (or Twitter.) GO BRUINS! (and Wild!)

by Cornelius Hardenbergh on Sep 19, 2009 1:15 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

nah we’re waiting till november

when, well you know

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 1:18 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

He’ll still be rehabbing his shoulder?

Join me on the Hockey Blog Adventure! (or Twitter.) GO BRUINS! (and Wild!)

by Cornelius Hardenbergh on Sep 19, 2009 1:40 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

yup

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 2:01 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

There are 10 million Leaf fans who will do that just fine.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Sep 19, 2009 1:48 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Don’t forget the media!

Join me on the Hockey Blog Adventure! (or Twitter.) GO BRUINS! (and Wild!)

by Cornelius Hardenbergh on Sep 19, 2009 1:51 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

But they are the most forgettable part…

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

Albert Einstein

by Say *plan the parade one more time*... on Sep 19, 2009 2:01 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Not if you’re a boring ugly introvert who is now the highest-paid player on the team.

Join me on the Hockey Blog Adventure! (or Twitter.) GO BRUINS! (and Wild!)

by Cornelius Hardenbergh on Sep 19, 2009 2:07 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I don’t care if he looks like Frankenstein and has the personality of a rock, as long as he scores goals.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

Albert Einstein

by Say *plan the parade one more time*... on Sep 19, 2009 2:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I wonder what would happen if one ran this FTB through google translate into Swedish and then back into English

Un ananas (truculent) qui parle? Impossible!

by loser domi on Sep 19, 2009 8:44 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Gibberish

It’s not even close to actual Swedish… lol

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

- Sir Winston Churchill

I'm pretty sure he's talking about the Leafs.

by Steve@Leafs.HockeyAnalysis.com on Sep 19, 2009 8:46 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

BUt... the umlauts would

confuse the hell out of it.

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

- Sir Winston Churchill

I'm pretty sure he's talking about the Leafs.

by Steve@Leafs.HockeyAnalysis.com on Sep 19, 2009 8:46 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

that’s why I’m wondering. I know it’s English with umlauts.

Un ananas (truculent) qui parle? Impossible!

by loser domi on Sep 19, 2009 8:48 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

My apologies

lack of sleep is interfering with my brain’s usual function at this hour.

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

- Sir Winston Churchill

I'm pretty sure he's talking about the Leafs.

by Steve@Leafs.HockeyAnalysis.com on Sep 19, 2009 8:59 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hmmm.. Complete nonsense...

HellÃ¶ everybÃ¶dy Ã¥nd welcÃ¶me tÃ¶ flÃ¥t pÃ¥ck self Ã¥ssembly FTB dÃ¥ted SÃ¥turdÃ¥y September 19th. PleÃ¥se tÃ¶ pray ensuring thÃ¥t yÃ¶u hÃ¥ve Ã¥ cleÃ¥n well ventilÃ¥ted spÃ¥ce fÃ¶r this cÃ¶nstructiÃ¶n. Ensure nÃ¶t tÃ¶ inhÃ¥le tÃ¶Ã¶ much function glue lest yÃ¶u end invite peer writing peer EyebleÃ¥f. Ã…re we reÃ¥dy , sup rÃ¶ck furniture fÃ¥ns? Letâ€™s pray gÃ¶ing!
STEP Ã–NE â€" Kit will include mÃ¥ny mÃ¥ny pieces Ã¶f pieces Ã¶f PhilKessel. First tÃ¥ke items mÃ¥rked Dr Steve DÃ¶wn GÃ¶es BrÃ¶wn , mf37/ bitter leÃ¥f jrwendelmÃ¥n HÃ¶ckeyCentric Ã¥nd MÃ¥ple LeÃ¥f HÃ¶t StÃ¶ve Ã¥nd plÃ¥ce tÃ¶ Ã¶ne silk.
STEP TWÃ– â€" IsÃ¶lÃ¥te items mÃ¥rked TÃ¶rÃ¶ntÃ¶ SpÃ¶rts Media , Hump DÃ¥ddy HÃ¶ckey Ã…nÃ¥lysis NHL FÃ¥nhÃ¶use BÃ¥ttle Ã¶f New YÃ¶rk Ã¥nd StÃ¥nley Cup Ã¶f ChÃ¶wder Ã¥nd Ã¥ttÃ¥ch tÃ¶ cÃ¶rrect pieces catalogue Ã¥bÃ¶ve. present YÃ¶u hÃ¥ve built MÃ¶nÃ¶bÃ¥ll PhilKessel! PÃ¥t Ã¶n bÃ¥ck Ã¥nd retire fÃ¶r teÃ¥cup.
STEP THREE â€" TÃ¥ke Ã¥ contention bÃ¥ck frÃ¶m PhilKessel jÃ¶y wÃ¶rry. PlÃ¥ne preseÃ¥sÃ¶n gÃ¥me three revise village TML NÃ¥tiÃ¶n tÃ¶ Ã¥ smÃ¶Ã¶th finish Ã¥nd Ã¥wÃ¥it
STEP FÃ–UR. STEP FÃ–UR â€" Ã…h! %

Life as a Toronto Sports Fan?... *sigh*... It is what it is...

by JohnnyG on Sep 19, 2009 9:26 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hump DÃ¥ddy

bahahaha

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 9:29 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

HAH I was wondering if someone else would notice that…

Life as a Toronto Sports Fan?... *sigh*... It is what it is...

by JohnnyG on Sep 19, 2009 9:32 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I bet the result is still more enjoyable and logically sound than any Howard Berger column,

jrwendelman
The Artist Formerly Known as "Junior", who blogs at heroesinrehab.ca/blog

"But if someone so eager to engage into fist talk, we can always meet after season end in Minsk." (Mikhail Grabovski and a well-meaning but not particularly skillful translator)

by jrwendelman on Sep 19, 2009 8:49 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

i love ikea and swedes

well done mattblack.

of course a swedish theme for the leafs is always appropriate given the greatest leaf of all time is swedish.

how about some saturday morning swedish music to celebrate the kessel trade! hopefully he pulls his weight.

by daoust on Sep 19, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Wow, we’re really jumping the gun on Stalberg.

Read the Blog and follow your Hunger

by Hungry Leafs Fan on Sep 19, 2009 10:57 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

If we’re going to do Swedish music saturday morning, then here’s my offer-
Hurt You

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Sep 19, 2009 12:34 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

hahaha...well done, Mr. Black, well done.

this FTB is Swedish Chef approved!

Brain: The irony of it all, Pinky. Years of trying to take over the world, and all I had to do was say "truculence".
Follow me I'm Boring!

by blindfolded tank driver on Sep 19, 2009 10:33 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Bort bort bort

Pension Plan Puppets*
* Blog contains less than 2% puppet content by weight.

by Chemmy on Sep 19, 2009 10:55 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

I want to see Jared win the sing the anthem contest. We’ll get him all liquored up and have him wear a “Snes Suck” t-shirt at the last minute.

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Sep 19, 2009 12:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

YES WE CAN

get hammered

Un ananas (truculent) qui parle? Impossible!

by loser domi on Sep 19, 2009 1:13 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I have the voice of an angel

an angel who cant sing

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 1:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I believe that is the classic definition of a demon, but I could be wrong.

/goes to check dusty cartons of bible college class materials

"We've had an ongoing problem with Grabovski this year." Bob Gainey, 4/04/09

by kidkawartha on Sep 19, 2009 1:49 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Missed my link!

No love for Viktor Stalberg?

The Handsome Man's Guide To Life- Tuxedos and Truculence.

by Archimedies on Sep 19, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I love Stalberg

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

Albert Einstein

by Say *plan the parade one more time*... on Sep 19, 2009 2:01 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious Irony

The entire post was written with Swedish letting and accents, EXCEPT for the stuff about Stalberg, the only Swedish story on the list

The Handsome Man's Guide To Life- Tuxedos and Truculence.

by Archimedies on Sep 19, 2009 2:32 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Dude, I wrote that whole thing out and then replaced the umlaut characters one by one. If you think I’m ever writing another å, ä or ö again, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn that might be of interest to you.

Harder, better, faster, stronger because our work is never over.

by Mattblack on Sep 19, 2009 2:50 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

hahah

not complaining, it just made me laugh.

Thank you very much for adding me to the list.

The Handsome Man's Guide To Life- Tuxedos and Truculence.

by Archimedies on Sep 19, 2009 3:06 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

whenever I read your comments I use the British accent, and it is quite hilarious picturing someone say “dude” in a non-ironic way with a British accent

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 3:41 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Please substitute ‘chap’ for ‘dude’ in future.

Harder, better, faster, stronger because our work is never over.

by Mattblack on Sep 19, 2009 3:50 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

pip pip pip

Refusing To Bow To Your Standards Since 2006

by JaredFromLondon on Sep 19, 2009 3:59 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Playoffs!!1

by Kohma on Sep 19, 2009 2:34 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Oooh… so many umlauts. i’m in heaven

Как хотел я

by sleza on Sep 19, 2009 4:27 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Diacritical marks!!!1 Playoffs!!!1 Excitement!!!1

Also, LOUD NOISES.

jrwendelman
The Artist Formerly Known as "Junior", who blogs at heroesinrehab.ca/blog

"But if someone so eager to engage into fist talk, we can always meet after season end in Minsk." (Mikhail Grabovski and a well-meaning but not particularly skillful translator)

by jrwendelman on Sep 19, 2009 4:57 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs