The book of Jobbers is a depressing read. Really, I won't lie about it. It chronicles the might-have-beens in this league and is often highly appropriate in the preseason. While many unknowns do make the jump to the NHL, far more never capitalise on their opportunities and are returned to the AHL, OHL, or what have you with their heads low and their spirits lower. The latest to be added to that list in a man named Johan Ryno.
Don't bother looking him up, I'm sure he is in the process of deleting his identity from the entire internet and the memory of the planet in general. He had an opportunity. A sure thing, a chance to show off a pretty move or two and score the tying goal, to beat a goalie heavily publicised and seen as a veritable netminder messiah by the Blue and White of Leafs Nation. Johan Ryno learned last night that there is only one sure thing when it comes to monsters.
They will eat you, starting with your big, juicy Hope.
This is a reading from the Book of Jobbers.
1 "Does not man have hard service on an AHL affiliate?
Are not his days like those of a hired man?
2 Like a slav longing for the pineapple,
or a hired man waiting eagerly for his contract extension,
3 so I have been allotted weeks of futility,
and nights of misery have been assigned to me.
4 When I lie down I think, 'How could I not score?'
The night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
5 My body is clothed with red and white,
my skin is clammy and sweaty.
6 "My days in the NHL are swifter than Viktor Stalberg,
and they come to an end without hope.
7 Remember, O fans, that my life is but a breath;
my eyes will never see happiness again.
8 The fan that now sees me will see me no longer;
you will look for me, but I will be in Grand Rapids.
9 As a cloud vanishes and is gone,
so he who goes down to the Griffins does not return.
10 He will never come to the Joe again;
his place will know him no more.
11 "Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
12 Was it a man, or the Monster of the crease,
that I was sent to score upon?
13 When I think my family will comfort me
and my team will ease my complaint,
14 even then you frighten me with dreams
and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I prefer retirement and insignificance,
rather than this career of mine.
16 I despise my life; I would not play again.
Let me alone; my days have no meaning.
17 "What is a breakaway that you make so much of it,
that you give the 2-on-0 so much attention,
18 that you watch the replay every morning
and test that Monster every moment?
19 Will he never look away from me,
or let me alone even for an instant?
20 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
O watcher of the net?
Why have you made me your victim?
I have never been so burned and robbed as by you.
21 Why do you not leave my nightmares,
and allow me peace?
For I will soon lie down in the AHL;
fans will search for me, but I will be no more."
In Nomine Clarki, et Schennis, et Spiritus Burki, Amen.