I heard about this idea somewhere else. Probably the radio. Anyway, the gist is - if we, the fans, could give Christmas gifts to the players based on their play, what would they be?
Well, we Leafs fans are getting frustrated, that much is certain. However, since Christmas is about giving rather than receiving, let's think about what we could possibly give in return to these gallant gentlemen who play their hearts out for us game in and game out. Here are my ideas.
Kulemin - Some of whatever that stuff was that made the Hulk mad enough to bash things around a lot. Mad power forwards hit more things, even if they don't turn green.
Grabovski - Hair products, in Ryan Smyth quantities. (Very, very) advanced stats will likely show that Grabbo plays better when mulletized, or perhaps it just seems that way lately.
Macarthur - A greater appreciation for waffles.
Bozak - A horseshoe for luck, along with a note for him explicitly stating that he can in fact use it, since it has nothing to do with the Indianapolis Colts.
Kessel - A photo ID card and a mirror, so he can conclusively prove to himself that he is NOT Lee Stempniak.
Versteeg - A rearview mirror for his helmet, so he can at last see that his drop passes are going to the wrong coloured jerseys.
Brent - A name tag? No, wait, that was last year.
Armstrong - A Bill Nye science kit that provides instructions on how he can reproduce his intangibles into a nice neat little bottle that the whole rest of the team can drink.
Brown - Same as Armstrong, except replace "intangibles" with "extreme mustachulence".
Mitchell - A red pill, so he can enter the Matrix and slow the play down to bullet time, at which point he would actually stand a 50% chance of getting around an opposing defenceman.
Orr - The skill set of a certain namesake from 40-ish years ago. Leafs fans have collectively built up enough karma by now for this to be plausible.
Schenn - You don't give Luke Schenn gifts. Luke Schenn is giving YOU a gift by not hip-checking you into next month. For breakfast. With his mind. Because he can.
Phaneuf - A rifle scope, pair of glasses, or any type of sighting device that would enable him to hit the net for God's sake.
Beauchemin - A plane ticket to another NHL city. Coincidentally, this same city would be giving one of its skilled forwards a plane ticket to Toronto, just as soon as the paperwork goes through.
Komisarek - Electro-shock therapy to restore his confidence. There's no way that could possibly go wrong, right? Right?
Gunnarsson - A better shot, so we fans can finally give him the obvious nickname we've always wanted to.
Lebda - Coal. Lots of coal. Is what I would say if it didn't have some value as an energy commodity. So something with less value, such as a murse signed by Vesa Toskala.
Kaberle - An audio recording device which mysteriously seems to be always on. Odds are that surely, between now and March, he will say each of the following words at least once: "I", "will", "waive", "my", "no", "trade" and "clause".
Giguere - A time machine, so that he can go back to 2006 and switch places with his younger self. (Disclaimer: Please, please ignore if this somehow causes the Senators to win the Stanley Cup.)
Gustavsson - New sticks. Lots of them. He's probably going to need them.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, PPPers!