Editor's Note: Our resident preacher Brother Brunswick Bruiser has returned from his wandering in the desert to provide us the latest chapter in the Good Book.
I said I would go up on a mountain, and that I did. I have seen strange things since my departure. I have had bestowed upon me an iPhone, from which I can monitor all things Leafy, even while supposedly working. Indeed, it's become rare that I get two days off in a week, though the hiring of a part-timer may remedy this soon. But the important thing is that I needed a sign before I came back down, before I returned to the pulpit. That sign was granted by this past week's dealings, and the acquisition of Dion Phaneuf knocked me off the mountaintop harder and faster than a surprise cold shower during an intimate encounter with Lucy Liu might.
On the way down from that fall, I heard echoes on the wind that Toskala was gone as well, with Giguere coming back in his place. I made my peace with the loss of Ian White's moustache, Hagman's scoring touch, and Stajan's familiar, sincere attitude, and slipped into a blissful trance during which this sermon was formed. It may be in the middle of the week, but for the sake of reigious significance, let us call this your CRASH Wednesday reading.
A reading from the book of Book of Rebuild.
35:1 Then Burke said to Phaneuf, "Go up to Toronto and settle there, and build an altar there to truculence, which appeared to you when you were struggling in Calgary."
35:2 So Phaneuf said to his household and to all who were with him, "Get rid of the red jerseys you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes.
35:3 Then come, let us go up to Toronto, where I will build an altar to truculence, which answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone."
35:4 So they gave Phaneuf all the red jerseys they had and the logos on their hats, and Phaneuf buried them under a bone-jarring bodycheck which destroyed most of Lethbridge and made Ed Stelmach wet himself.
35:5 Then they set out, and the terror of Clark fell upon the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.
35:6 Phaneuf, Sjostrom, Aulie, and all the people with them came to Hogtown (that is, Toronto) in the land of Ontario.
35:7 There he built an altar, and he called the place exciting, because it was there that Clark revealed himself to him when he was fleeing from Alberta.
35:8 Now Stajan, Hagman, White and Mayers were traded back, and were buried under the Western Conference depth charts. So it was named a good trade.
35:9 After Phaneuf returned from practice, Clark appeared to him again and blessed him.
35:10 Burke said to him, "Your name is Dion, but you will no longer be called Dion; your name will be Dionysus." So he named him Dionysus, who is the god of ritual madness and ecstacy, which Clark saw as highly appropriate.
35:11 And Clark said to him, "I am Clark Almighty; be fistful and increase in PIMs. A Nation and a community of bloggers will come to you, and Elisha Cuthbert will be all over you.
35:12 The fanbase I gave to Schenn and Burke I also give to you, and I will give this fanbase to your descendants after you."
35:13 Then Clark went up from him at the place where he had talked with him, at Wendel Clark's Classic Grill and Sports Lounge.
35:14 Phaneuf set up a stone pillar at the place where Clark had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured blood on it.
35:15 Phaneuf called the place where Clark had talked with him Oakville, because he saw the sign on the way into town.
35:16 Then they moved on from Oakville. While they were still some distance from the ACC, Vesa Toskala began to suck and had great difficulty. Greater than usual, anyway.
35:17 And as he was having great difficulty in goaltending, the trainer said to him, "Don't be afraid, for you could maybe go to a town that doesn't care as much, or at all."
35:18 And he breathed his last as a Leaf - for he was being shipped out with Blake, to Anaheim. And the bad contracts were banished unto the West.
35:19 So Toskala died and was buried in the basement of the Western Conference. And out of that place came Giguere, wise and talented and experienced.
35:20 Over his tomb, Giguere set up a shutout, and to this day that shutout marks Toskala's monumental failure.
35:21 Dionysus met Giguere, and they moved on again and pitched a tent when they saw Elisha Cuthbert in a Leafs jersey.
35:22 While Dionysus was giving it to her in that region, Giguere went in and gave his stick to a very lucky young lad, who would likely grow up to be the President of the Moon. And so, now, Burke had fifteen sons:
35:23 The sons of the offseason:
Kessel, Komisarek, Beauchemin, Orr, Primeau, Exelby, and Wallin.
35:24 The sons of College:
Bozak, Hanson, and Stalberg.
35:25 The son of the S-E-L:
35:26 The sons of 2010:
Phaneuf, Giguere, Sjostrom and Aulie.
And more than half of the team bore the Mark of Burke.
In Nomine Clarki, et Schennis, et Spiritus Burki,