Dear Potential Leafs Fan...

Dear TMLSiege (in Vancouver)

I am interested in becoming a hockey fan. You seem to like hockey a lot - can you tell me about your favorite team?

Cheers

*the following is my real correspondence with a potential Leafs fan. I probably scared them away. I figured I would share it, just for kicks* 

Dear Potential Leafs Fan,

Hello, and I guess, welcome! Yes, okay...so the Toronto Maple Leafs have not won the Stanley Cup since 1967.

This is the first thing you should know, because if you decide to become a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, you will hear this chirped at you all the time.

Other that that, being a Leafs fan is great!

The team is an original six franchise that has won 13 Stanley Cups, has a boatload of epic hall of fame players (including the likes of Tim Horton, Ted Kennedy, Darryl Sittler and soon Mats Sundin), and features a huge international fanbase and, therefore, tremendous financial stability.

But still, all you will hear from people is "1967!"

I recommend wearing it with pride - the 1967 cup capped off a dynasty, and so many of the fans that try to taunt you are cheering for teams that have never hoisted the mug (here's looking at you, Canucks fans!).

To be a Maple Leafs fan is to be eternally looking towards the future while clinging to whatever optimism you can find. A few years ago that future seemed to be here at last. After missing the playoffs a bunch of years in a row, the Leafs made the conference finals in 1999, before running into the freight train that was Dominik Hasek and the "along for the ride" Buffalo Sabres (another rival fanbase that will taunt you about lack of championships, despite never having won one themselves). In 2002 the Maple Leafs had their best run since 1993, defeating the Islanders and Senators (once again, rival, 0 cups) in brutal seven game series before finally running out of gas against the Carolina Hurricanes in 6 games. The tale of this playoff run can be seen in this amazing slow motion, emotional rollercoaster ride youtube video. The fat old guy is coach Pat Quinn. Also, in this clip, Leafs commentator Joe Bowen breaks into tears on air when the Leafs tie up game 6 late. Amazing call.

The pain Leafs fans feel is pure. Its one of those rare things in the sporting world - an incredibly faithful and dedicated fan base awaiting salvation.

Anyways, blue balls. A serious case. Get used to it.

After the lockout the Maple Leafs suffered. They had one of the highest payrolls in the NHL and suddenly management had to condense the team to make it fit under the NHL's salary cap. This event coincided with the simultaneous aging of many key players, such as Alexander Mogilny, Ed Belfour, and a few years later the King of Hockey, Mats Sundin.

So we lost a few good players, so what? A good management team can make quality trades, draft quality young players and make good free-agent signings to quickly pull themselves out of a tailspin - right?

John Ferguson Jr. was the Maple Leafs GM for four seasons after the lockout, and did a bunch of bad things. The worst crime was trading a quality prospect for Andrew Raycroft - a trade that would be bad enough simply for the fact that Raycroft sucks big donkey balls, but is instead bad on an enormous scale because that prospect is now Tuuuukaaa Rask, star goalie for the Boston Bruins (a rival with a cup drought nearly as long as the Leafs). The next season, JFJ traded a first round pick for Vesa Toskala, who turned out to be even worse than Raycroft! Ferguson was fired shortly after.

Okay, so now we get to the present - two years ago the Maple Leafs hired BRIAN BURKE to be our GM. I would ask you to remember that name, but if you become a Leafs fan, it will become burned into your brain almost immediately. He is a great GM, but also a loud mouth, a shit disturber and kind of insane in an intimidating yet trustworthy kind of way. If Brian Burke showed up at your house at 3 in the morning and said "I can't explain, but come with me right now, and put on this blindfold," you would do it without question, because you would believe that as long as you're with Burke, things are going to turn out okay...and you have no choice.

Burke gave Leafs fans one of those moments in 2009, when he traded not one but TWO first round picks to the Boston Bruins for sniper Phil Kessel, who has only one testicle. The 2010 pick turned into high-level prospect Tyler Seguin after the Leafs had a terrible first season under Burke. But again, Leafs fans endured, and believed it was going to turn out okay - and actually, the jury is still kind of out because Kessel is pretty damn awesome. We won't really know how this trade will shake out until both the picks develop into their prime.

Burke also made a ballsy move in early 2010, trading away a lot of the junk players that made the Leafs brutal last season, for their new captain and thawed out caveman Dion Phaneuf.

After Dion's arrival the Leafs were much improved and were one of the best teams in the east down the stretch, which provides a glimmer of hope for the 2010-2011 campaign. A slight glimmer.

So here are your guys:

The TOP LINE:

Phil Kessel - RW US born super-sniper. Phil is so much fun to watch - he leads the rush with these crazy, kamikaze rushes to the net and has one of the most deadly releases in the NHL. He scored 30 in just over 60 games last year, and could easily score 50 someday.

Nik Kulemin - Speedy Russian LW with a ton of grit. Kulemin is very likeable for his consistent strong play and seems to have excellent chemistry with Kessel. Lots of potential here.

Tyler Bozak - A college lad that was called up halfway through last season and really impressed playing between Kessel and Kulemin. He`s fast, he can dish the puck, he can shoot, and he plays smart. BOZAK!!! is also a fantastic hockey name.

The support:

Kris Versteeg - This recently acquired LW won a Stanley Cup with the Hawks last year and would still be with them if not for the teams cap issues. Incredibly fast, excellent dangle and shot, really hard to knock off the puck. He hasn't played a regular season game for the Leafs yet, but he will shortly be a fan favorite.

Mikhail Grabovsky - An enigma wrapped in a mystery, no one is really sure just how good of a center Grabbo can be. Hes Belorussian, which is weird, and he doesn't have much of a shot, but he just makes shit happen. Hes sorta magical. Oh, and this link is good... at the Olympics, Grabbo punched a dude wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, which makes me smile.

Colton Orr - The best fighter in the league. This guy is a murderous weapon of mass fistruction.

Nazem Kadri - The best prospect in the Leafs organization, Kadri was drafted 7th in the 2009 NHL entry draft. Hes Lebanese, he has amazing dangling skills and a great shot, and hes incredibly fast. The only problem is that Kadri is 20 and not quite filled-out enough to stay with the NHL squad. He will probably start the year with the Toronto Marlies, which is the Leafs AHL team. This will be good for him, as he can play a bigger role against weaker competition, and build up his skills.

Yeah, Leafs don't have many good fowards, which is a huge problem. Other honorable mentions include Colby Armstrong, Luca Caputi, Clarke MacArthur and Christian Hanson, whose dad starred as a Hanson brother in the classic hockey movie Slapshot.

D:

Note: Defense makes up around 60% of the Leafs payroll for some reason. Were kind of stacked on the blueline, but somehow we were a defensive bottom-feeder last year *cough* TOSKALA! *end cough*

Dion Phaneuf - Captain. Banging Elisha Cuthbert. Yeah, thats right. So Dion scores a lot, but not so much on the ice anymore, for some reason.

Luke Schenn - Third year player and former 5th overall pick. One mean motherfucker and getting better and better. Our Luke and Savior!

Mike Komisarek - A former Montreal Canadien who rightly jumped ship in 2009. Hes a yank so I guess he felt more comfortable in TO than Morreeaaall. Hes overpaid for a stay-at-home defenseman, and he takes A LOT of penalties on account of over the top violence, but he is the epitome of Brian Burkes attempt to establish a team that is Truculent, Belligerent and just overall Sadistic. Komi takes personal offense to everything that happens on the ice. You can catch him frequently glaring angrily at  stuff, like the girls that scrape the snow off the ice between whistles.

Tomas Kaberle - A weird Czech dude whose rosy cherub cheeks have patrolled the Leafs blueline for 11 seasons. He is incredibly gifted offensively and has amazing passing skills, but he WILL NOT SHOOT THE PUCK! This will annoy you.
 
Francois Beauchemin - Kinda like a mixture between Kaberle and Phaneuf. Was arguably the Ducks best dman during their cup run in 2007. Now hes a third pairing defenseman.


GOALERS:

J.S. Giguere - Solid goalie that was muscled out of Anaheim by Jonas Hiller. Once won the Conn Smythe on the losing side of a Stanley Cup final, which is unprecedented. Is much, much better than Vesa Toskala. This season he will split the starting goaltender role with...

Jonas Gustavsson - Nicknamed THE MONSTER, Gus was a highly touted rookie out of Sweden who chose to come and play with the Leafs because were awesome, and also because he could be a starter right away, and also because Leafs goalie coach Francois Allaire is kind of a legend. Gustavsson had a decent rookie campaign and could very well be the goalie of the *gasp* FUTURE!


That just about does it. Oh yeah, the Montreal Canadiens, or the goddamn Habs, are the Great Satan. That is all.

In conclusion, the Leafs are a great team to be a fan of, even if were sort of in a funk right now. Every team goes through this kind of junk from time to time, and soon the Leafs will be awesome again. The fact that the fanbase is so rabid even though we suck is quite telling - Leafs fans are passionate about hockey, not just their team. Were loyal, so loyal that Leafs fans can instantly form a brotherhood with one another anywhere we go, which is great if you dont live in Toronto. When the Leafs eventually win the Cup again, there will be celebrations in every city across the globe, which is kinda awesome.

We also have classic jerseys. They look so spiffy. I want to be buried in one, so when I reach heaven, the resident Leafs fans there can show me which cloud gives me the best view of the Air Canada Centre.

Best wishes, and good luck in your search for an NHL team,

TMLSiege (in Vancouver)