Exclusive: Colby Armstrong set to retire due to Boneitis

Very sad news for Maple Leaf fans across the globe today. A source close to Colby Armstrong has revealed that "Army", as he is affectionately known, will be filing retirement papers with the NHL at some point in the coming days. It seems that the wacky Leaf suffers from an incurable, debilitating disease known as "Boneitis", and will be hanging up the skates in order to spend more time with his family and work on finding a cure. Armstrong, who signed with Toronto in the summer of 2010, has 202 career NHL points in 419 games.

More after the jump...

A bit of research tells us that Boneitis is an extremely rare and damaging form of Rheumatism. The bones in the human body begin to twist and break apart, eventually leading to death. Little else is known about the disease, including its cause or how it spreads from person to person. Strangely enough, Colby Armstrong's teammate Tim Connolly is one of the few worldwide survivors of this crippling disease (of note: our source indicates that Connolly and Armstrong are being kept secluded from each other to avoid a relapse for Connolly).

The hockey world has been stunned by this announcement. Bill Watters of AM640 fame expressed surprise and disappointment that Armstrong would choose to retire since he didn't think that he was a "3rd of July parade kind of player."

Glenn Healy of Hockey Night In Canada offered his medical opinion that it seemed like retirement was a little premature and that it seemed that Armstrong was "being a little bit theatrical" about the severity of his illness.

Linesman David Brisebois, who worked the final game before Armstrong's career came to an end, noted that the announcement caught him unaware as he "did not see this coming at all" despite having been witness to Colby's bout of nausea prior to the Leafs-Kings game.

Damien Cox suggested that Armstrong was one more notch in the belt for the scourge of fighting as another career was cut short. When we mentioned that there is no clear medical link between fighting and boneitis he promptly hung up the phone.

Dave Feschuk and Steve Simmons noted that Ron Wilson and Brian Burke's culture of lying had so deeply permeated the Leafs' organization that Armstrong worked tirelessly to hide his boneitis from the medical staff despite great personal risk.

We wanted to get a serious medical opinion on the consequences of living with boneitis so we reached out to Dr. John A. Zoidberg, a known expert in the field of Boneitis research, for comment but all we received in response was a voice-mail message that said "Woop woop woop woop!".

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