Christmas comes early: Maple Leafs sign Bieber

by birky on Dec 21, 2011 9:47 PM EST in News

In one final move to wring every last dollar out of their ~~beloved~~ cash cow Toronto Maple Leafs, news has broken that the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan has mandated the signing of young center Justin Bieber. Bieber, who at one time may have been inside a hockey rink, was spotted today in the Leafs dressing room at the Air Canada Centre canoodling with his new teammates. The young London, Ontario native is expected to center a line between Phil Kessel and Joffrey Lupul for Thursday's match-up with the Buffalo Sabres. As with all Leafs signings, financial details were not disclosed. More after the jump...

Little to nothing is known about Bieber's experience in hockey. Below is a picture that *allegedly* shows a young Bieber on the ice in full gear. But honestly, one can't be sure.

Ept_sports_nhl_experts-619084820-1280341811_medium

Justin Bieber or old lesbian?

When asked about the move, a visibly distraught Brian Burke punched a hole through the cement wall he was standing next to and stormed off. Certainly one has to question the strange timing of the move, as the Leafs are healthy down the middle and have more depth in the AHL with the likes of Joe Colborne and Mike Zigomanis. Other Leafs, however, seemed to welcome the news. Rookie defenseman Jake Gardiner was anything but subdued, screeching "OHHH MYYY GODDDD! I LOVE HIM!" before fainting in the corner.

Richard Peddie, Chairman of MLSE, spoke briefly with reporters after the news broke. "MLSE and the OTPP have become increasingly concerned with our TV viewership figures in the always important 11-14 year old demographic. We feel that signing a fresh young face like Justin Bieber will bring both instant and long lasting returns." Peddie later added, "Mr. Bieber will also be responsible for singing both national anthems and will be the only intermission entertainment. We have struck a deal with the NHL to extend the intermission from twenty to thirty minutes for all home games." When asked how the move would impact the on-ice product, Peddie seemed confused and unable to answer the question.

In order to allow Bieber to forgo the draft, the Leafs agreed to give up all 2012 and 2013 draft selections. PPP has learned that a "completely random" lottery system has awarded all fourteen picks to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Stay tuned to PPP for all your Leafs news!

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Comments

Bieber will be replacing Phil Kessel, who is out with a coma suffered from a sting by a giant space bee while acquiring royal jelly

LeafsHQ and MarliesHQ - random people spewing random opinions since 2010

by Jeffler on Dec 21, 2011 9:50 PM EST reply actions

This is a timely signing that will help ease the pain of Colby Armstrong boneitis related retirement.

by thejohnkeating on Dec 21, 2011 9:54 PM EST reply actions

PPP has learned that a “completely random” lottery system has awarded all fourteen picks to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking milk or milk would have come out my nose.

No more moral victories, no more excuses. Put up or shut up.
Lebda-free since July 3.

by nhlcheapshot on Dec 21, 2011 9:56 PM EST reply actions

I shed a tear when i read that.

Mike Weber Pressbox Incarceration Status: Free to roam the blueline.
"I know its a viable strategy and all, but i’d prefer the Flyers not try to take off Miller’s head with every shot."

by Ubiquitous on Dec 22, 2011 11:05 AM EST up reply actions

I thought he was from Stratford…..

As a Toronto sports fan I proudly follow the lessons of lachrymology.
"He drives that new car around town and feels really good about it." - Ron Wilson
"Vancouver, BC: A massive inferiority complex with a city." - TheOtherAndrew
"HOPE is more than a postponed disappointment" - Epica

by Redonred on Dec 21, 2011 10:02 PM EST reply actions

He was born in London, raised in Stratford.

Riding the Leafs bandwagon since 1991.
Check out my art!

by CanadianMaple09 on Dec 21, 2011 11:15 PM EST up reply actions

you know far too much about this topic

by SlickWill on Dec 22, 2011 12:00 AM EST up reply actions

You’d be surprised how much you can learn in 5 seconds or less using Google and Wikipedia.

Riding the Leafs bandwagon since 1991.
Check out my art!

by CanadianMaple09 on Dec 22, 2011 12:53 AM EST up reply actions 4 recs

Win.

I will stand beside him with an axe! @theninjagreg

by theninjagreg on Dec 22, 2011 1:01 AM EST up reply actions

Attempted face save …

This space for rant...

by fair_n_hite_451 on Dec 22, 2011 2:38 AM EST up reply actions

Keep that up and it’ll be your face that needs the saving!

/notserious

Riding the Leafs bandwagon since 1991.
Check out my art!

by CanadianMaple09 on Dec 22, 2011 10:52 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs

look at Mr Snappy-Comebacks-On-The-Internet

I tip my hat to you, sir, I laughed at this one

by SlickWill on Dec 22, 2011 12:06 PM EST up reply actions

You know I never thought we’d sign a superstar like this, but as they say, ‘never say never’

However I’m glad we got someone who can stick it to Gomez

Also it might make ACC Ushers happy that we signed JustinFromLondon

I used to love the Leafs... I still do... but I used to, too.

by Chuck Diesel on Dec 21, 2011 10:08 PM EST reply actions 6 recs

This makes me feel weird, because technically I am also JustinFromLondon

by Huey2k2 on Dec 22, 2011 3:14 AM EST up reply actions

I was about to vote ‘old lesbian’ in the poll, but then I changed my answer to ‘between 35 and 40 goals’, for some reason.

by Spezzal Teams Playa on Dec 21, 2011 10:24 PM EST reply actions 1 recs

But i thought the NHL was a mens league.

At least it's not Lebda.

by Nifty Mittens on Dec 21, 2011 11:04 PM EST reply actions

old lesbian are probably more man than both of us and vesa toskala

by m3smth on Dec 22, 2011 1:12 AM EST up reply actions

UNICORN!!!!!!!!

"They build a statue, they knock it down and piss on it, and now they will be out there building it again."

by ThickSkinnedAlive on Dec 22, 2011 12:45 AM EST reply actions

Just saw the kid on TSN…looked pretty slick, actually. I think I’m starting to come down with something…

"You said you didn't give a f#%k about hockey. And I never saw someone say that before..."
"Storm coming? Hatchet coming!"

by TheBurnward on Dec 22, 2011 1:03 AM EST reply actions

Giardiasis?

"We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question that divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct."
- Niels Bohr

Sorry, unauthorized hotlinking of copyrighted material not permitted.

by Frag on Dec 22, 2011 1:58 AM EST up reply actions

Ladies and Gentlemen

We have found our superstar!

"We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question that divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct."
- Niels Bohr

Sorry, unauthorized hotlinking of copyrighted material not permitted.

by Frag on Dec 22, 2011 1:58 AM EST reply actions