Hopey : The new age of Hockey.

Damien Cox The Great Almighty Bald Headed Penis God of Artisan Penmanship and Healing is calling the Komisarek hit a bad hit. I think I'm finally starting to see what this great genius sees. I don't think Damien The Great Almighty Bald Headed Penis God of  Artisan Penmanship and Healing is making his points clearly enough however, so I have come to clear the air. Here is what hockey would look like if Mr Cox The Great Almighty Bald Headed Penis God of  Artisan Penmanship and Healing could have his vision realized.

You know what would be truly amazing? If the NHL woke up already and made some rule changes. Currently hockey is a total disgrace. Here's what I'd like to see:

1. No physical contact whatsoever. You're just simply not allowed to make any kind of contact. Even accidental. The penalty is ejection from the league permanently. You can go play in the Czech league with those violent cavemen if you want. That's your prerogative. The NHL doesn't want you, psycho.
Also,. If you shoot the puck and hit someone with it you are suspended for the rest of the season. No mean looks either.

2. No scoring. Sports are for fun and they're just a game. No one needs to win or lose. Winning and Losing are for unrefined people who need something to live for. We should all share the score at the end of the game. Everyone always wins. Playoff style end-of-series handshakes are now mandatory after each period.



3. No more penalties. Penalties are negative re-enforcement. What the refs should do upon an infraction is to take the player aside and first read off 10 things they like about the player. Then instead of telling them they did something wrong they should tell them the correct way to do things.  Also the word "penalty" conjures up gross feelings for everyone. It should be changed to "Proper Challenge". If a player commits a PC he must be reminded that he should commit to being PC otherwise he might find a note on his PC that says he's been released from his SPC.




4. No more slave labour: The players are inadequately taken care of. They work at an office with no cafeteria!?!? That is brutal. The Employment standards council should take the NHL to court. They only get 10 min breaks between periods? Nonsense! They should get 2 15  min breaks and a 30 min lunch (probably between the 2nd and 3rd period) and should also be paid a meal allowance for hours after 6pm. Working night shifts every night puts a toll on your body. The new cafeterias underneath the ice should serve healthy choices. Tofu, apples and eggplant will be mandatory on every rink's menu.


5. No more loud arenas: How would you like it if I came to your work and threw waffles at you while you were on a sales call? Would you like it if me and some friends spilled beer on you while trying to climb into your cubicle? How would you like it if after watching you work I called CEO's office to rant that you suck. I'll say it's because your manager blows at coaching young salesmen and that your potential is being wasted because he's only letting you sell 15 minutes a shift. What if I carried signs in front of your cubicle suggesting you should be traded to staples for a bag of stationery? What if I vandalized your Audi R8 in the parking lot after you blew that big merger? No more! From now on proper church etiquette is to be observed while our angels play.


6. No more tears: Coaches aren't allowed to yell at players any longer. Yelling causes stress and probably takes 5-6 years off the player's lives. That's not just a regular life either. These guys have 20-30 million to spend in their golden years and dying is just throwing that great life away.  If they were ordinary people, then who cares really. But these are the cream of our society. They're the types who appreciate tennis. Coaches are to use kind words only.

7. No more sticks: Hockey sticks are pointy and sharp. They're basically a Mach 3 swipe away from medieval swords. I want to watch the Columbus Blue Jackets, not the Knights of Columbus. Sticks should be dropped in favour of American Gladiator joust sticks. They're designed with safety in mind, are paddded, and have no pointy parts. In case a rogue brute decides to ask for the banhammer and brushes a player with his joust stick it will only inflict minimal damage. The offending player must pay for a full pedicure to the injured party.



8 No more Hockey. The word Hockey makes me think of people spitting on each other in an anarchistic riot. It also makes me think of unkempt women in garter belts selling their souls to temptation. Sometimes it makes me think of little kids in kindergarten skipping school to smoke pot and rob liquor stores while listening to crazy jazz music. Those are not images I want to have in my virginal mind. From now on we will call it Hopey and it will bring positive vibes and balanced chakras to all involved.

9. No more skates: Skates are basically Ginsu 2000's attached to shoes. What kind of Hitler loving person thought of this idea? Will anyone think of the children? There is no end to the depravity of this sport. In my perfect league (called HEL by the way for  Hopey Eden League) we will play on  Craftmatic adjustable mattresses. The playing surface will consist of the "sleeping beside my dentures performing my nose hair opus" preset, aka flat, and the boards will be Craftmatics' in the "watching TV with my 93 year old wife" preset, aka 45 degree angle. Everyone will get 1991 purple Champion shoes from the league to wear while playing.


10. No more puck:  The puck. O......M......G...... In my educated opinion (and I assure you, I appreciate tennis) the puck was designed either by, Nero or Vlad the impaler. Although there is ample evidence to suggest Vlad also invented the hockey stick. Either way the puck will be replaced by the duck. The duck is 2 socks rolled into a ball. It is called the duck because ducks are positive creatures. Anaheim will be forced to change their name due to their new copyright infringement and from now on will be called the Angels as that is a beautiful word. Pending lawsuits against the new name will be won by HEL due to our positive karma and our strict adherence to the teachings of 'the secret'.


I think this would make for a much more pleasant league. I believe Mr Cox The Great Almighty Bald Headed Penis God of Artisan Penmanship and Healing would agree. is a fan community that allows members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Toronto Maple Leafs and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editor of

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