Love Notes

Dear Mats Sundin,

               Hi, my name is Leafer87 and I’m a big Leafs fan. You’re my favourite Leaf EVER, and my 2nd favourite player ever (sorry, but the first is the Sidney Crosby, so don’t feel too bad). I hope your hip is feeling fine. I know you said they were just rumours, but I diehard Leaf fan can’t help but worry for her captain, anyway. Well just be careful; we wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, especially because you still have to score that goal.

               I’d just like to give you a suggestion, on a fan-to-hero basis.  Can you please come in a commercial? Even if it’s a commercial for the NHL, just so we can see you promote stuff. Please? Well, if you have the time from being the bestest captain ever (you’re a better captain than Crosby’ll ever be).

               So, I’d like to ask you a few questions: Who is your favourite player of all time (excl. yourself)? Who is your favourite player on the Leafs right now (excl. yourself)? What is your favourite team in the NHL (besides the Leafs)? What is your idea of the perfect Leafs’ fan?

               If I sound like a reporter, I’m sorry. There’s just so much I want to know. I’d just like to tell  you one thing: you look like a monkey every since you shaved your head. Please grow your hair back. Please! It distresses Leafs fans to know their captain is a monkey. And an ugly monkey, too. Anyways, you’re still the bestest Leaf ever! Keep up the good work!

 

Leafer87

#1 Leafs fan

Inspired by this letter, which I wrote when I was 12 (obviously saying my real name instead of Leafer87), leaflover4ever and I decided to write some more letters to some of our favourite (and not-so-favourite) players. After the jump, our thoughts on Roberto Luongo, Jordan EBERLE, and Luke and Brayden Schenn.

This was written just before game 7 of the SCF this year. Disclaimer: The veiws on Roberto Luongo that were expressed in this post do not extend to those who cheer for him on Nucks Misconduct

Dear Roberto,

               Hello. We hate you. As a matter of fact, we’ve nicknamed you the Evil Overlord. Go to MSN and type in (6). That’s your face. The reason you played so bad in Boston is because we jinxed you. Sorry about that. Not. Thank goodness we had competent D in front of you at the Olympics, otherwise we would’ve lost the gold because of you. What was with that goal with 20 seconds left? Are you TRYING to kill us? We are proud Canadians and we’re cheering for the Bruins because we hate you and your whole team. And just so you know, it’s not even like we like the Bruins. We just hate you.

               You know why? Because your fans are just like you. Obnoxious, entitled, and spoiled little brats. You’re all whiny babies. And divers. Sure, you have some talent on your team, but how can we respect that when you’re flopping around on the ice like a fish every other minute? In short, you guys are stupid and we hope you get traded to Ottawa. OTTAWA. WHERE GOALIES GO TO DIE. I mean, do you really want to live in the same city as Harper? Didn’t think so.

 

All our hate,

leaflover4ever and Leafer87

PS. If you want to sue us, we’re underage so it won’t be on our records in a year. So HA.

This one is to the one and only, Jordan EBERLE:

Dear Jordan EBERLE,

               Hi. We love you. If you don’t think that’s a big deal, just ask Roberto Luongo what we do with people we hate. In fact, we love you so much that we capitalise your last name. Every single time. The only thing wrong with you is that you play for Edmonton. We do pity you. Please come here so we can love you forever and start hating the Oilers. You see, it’s very difficult for us to cheer for the Oilers, but we have to because of you. It would be a really big help if, once your contract is up, you demand a trade to Toronto. We could give them some first-rounders for you, no big deal. We’ve done that before, it worked out fine. No controversies at all.

               So anyways, how about that goal you scored vs. Russia, huh? We were almost crying before you scored that goal, EBERLE. You made our lives with that goal. That is why we love you so much. That’s also why that silver the year after hurt so much. We wanted to win it for you.

               As long as you never play for the Habs or Sens, we will love you forever (we also wrote a computer program for you). And if two girls ever run up to you and hug you and start screaming and losing it, it’s probably us. Say hi!

 

With lots of love,

Leafer87 and leaflover4ever

For OLAS:

Dear Luke Schenn,

               You are our Luke and Saviour, and we love you. But we’re kind of scared of you. You see, your eyes have this power. All a person needs to do is look into them and BAM! PREGNANT! 400 Schenn babies right there. Luke, we love you and all, but this really has to stop. Between the two of us, there are thousands of babies. It’s just too much. We understand that populating the world with your kin is a noble honour; but really, the world can’t take this much awesomeness. We suggest sunglasses. At all times. And if that doesn’t work, try surgery.

               Also, please try to convince Brayden to come here. It would mean a lot to all of us. Brayden still has work to do: he could do it in Toronto. Plus, double Schenn awesomeness = guaranteed Cup. And lots of babies. Also, we’d appreciate it if you combed your hair down, not like how you did it at the Draft.

               We hope you can sign here for cheap, since we need the cap space to sign Richards, Stamkos, Crosby, etc. I’m sure you understand.

               Lastly, please try to convince Bozie to stop liking Justin Bieber. We know the musical quality of the locker room has gotten better since Steeg (thankfully) left, but really? Bieber?!

 

Win us a Cup please! Love,

Leafer87 and leaflover4ever

The mothers of your children

To BabySchenn, this past Canada Day:

Dear Brayden,

               Congratulations on the birth of our fair nation. We can’t say "Happy Canada Day!" because we’re not happy. You see, you are on the Flyers, if you haven’t realised that yet. And as self-respecting hockey fans that may sometimes be biased towards the rival Pittsburgh Penguins, we can’t let that happen. Because you’re awesome and Philly’s not. Also, LUKE. So, we are going to outline the reasons you should come to Toronto (demand a trade here, please?)

1.      We love you. That alone should be enough, but it’s probably not, so we have some more reasons.

2.      Luke.

3.      We’re the centre of the universe.

4.      You still have work to do, and Toronto would be a good place to do it.

5.      The CN Tower is pretty at night.

6.      We’re not Philadelphia.

               So, Brayden, we’re expecting news of your trade any minute now. Since you’ve never demanded a trade before, here’s how you do it:

1.      Feed Holmgren the same stuff he was eating when he traded Richards and Carter and signed Jagr and Max

2.      Demand a trade to Toronto

3.      ?????

4.      PROFIT!!!1

               Since we don’t have any more space, we’ll have to end this letter. Good luck and we look forward to seeing you in Toronto!

 

Love,

Leafer87 and leaflover4ever

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