Luke "Flounder" Schenn was traded by the Toronto Maple Leafs, as per the tears of thousands of "hockey" fans... who actually liked him more because he was cute than because of anything useful he did on the ice.
Getting to blog a story like this is great, because I don't need to list the positive things those fans always thought Luke would accomplish, but which the "Pillsbury Putz" never actually got around to doing.
Luke In Home Whites.
Let's tell the truth here. Luke Schenn was a shit signing from the day we traded away a bunch of draft picks for him. Then he was lousy throughout his time with Toronto (all four long-suffering "Where in the hell did you learn to SKATE, Schenn?" seasons of it.) And even though I'm not convinced JVR will ever amount to much, at least Burke has now proven he has the insight of Dean "Fat,
drunk slow and stupid is no way to go through life, son" Wormer.
Lukie Listening Intently To Burkie.
Now, his fans will say, "
But he was sooooo cute, with the laser eyes!!!! Be fair, nasty- hater-h8tr-boy! Luke accomplished a lot in his four years in Toronto." To which I have to admit, I can just imagine him accomplishing stuff.
Because I'm good at imagining.
But when I look at the reality on the ground - being a reality-based kinda guy - I see that the team finished out of the playoffs every year he was here. To which his defenders say, "
Shirley Surely Shirley you're not saying it's the kid's fault. It's not like he was ever a real player, that we could talk about in terms of his "actual play," right?"
And no, of course he was never "real." Except that... he did seem to register actual stats. Even some advanced stats. Which were... appalling. And his fans admit that.
"But then again," they say, "He was consistent. Right? It's almost like a -7 Corsi was built into his DNA. (Ed. Or in Luke's case, his D- NA.) And yeah, so what if he floundered against even the weakest competition? Because, stats schmatz, right? They can't tell the whole story."
Holy Shit, Luke! You Actually Put A Shot On Net? Holy Shitttttttt!
As for me, yeah, I tended to actually watch the games - that is, I'm inbred enough to think that watching actually matters - and the games themselves tended to give the impression that Schenn was slow. Afoot. (And ahead.)
And that he made terrible decisions with the puck.
And had no shot.
And fluffed all his first passes.
"But but but but BUT," his fans say, "What you don't understand, is that Lukie didn't actually grow up playing hockey in Saskatoon, but curling. And that that first pass of his, if you converted it over to curling, what you'd see is a helluva sweet sweeping technique."
"No really, helluva."
Something you can't deny though, is that he ate
the tough minutes pretty much whatever he could kill.
Remember little Danny? Little Dan K. Schenn? The brother that came between Luke and Brayden in age? No? Well, that's probably because he came between Luke and a pizza after practice one day.
Brayden "I Wish I Wasn't Wearing This Oh-So-Delicious-Looking Wing On My Chest" Schenn.
I donno. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. After all, Luke blocked a lot of shots. He was good at that, being so... big-boned. And also, when you can't keep up with the faster players with their fancy "skates," you always have the option of falling back toward the net, which is the place the other team seems drawn to. And then, you can just fall down, and like, if the puck hits you, then you have a positive stat, right? A Blocked Shot.
Whereas the puck goes past you, you can blame Jonas. Or Toskala. Or Jonas. Maybe Reimer. Naw, it was Jonas.
This Puck's For You, Buddy.
But he HIT people! Oooh yeah, everybody remembers him erasing people!
Except... so did Komisarek. And putting themselves out of position never really seems to be part of the decision-making process, does it?
And so what do we go and do? To try and boost the poor kid's confidence?
We sign him to a 5 year contract. And for how much, you ask? Poor lil fella, why he only got $3.6 M.
= 1.2 Colbys.
Times 5 years.
For a kid who played lousy, even though we tried him with every possible defence partner, who we tried to shelter in every way, and who still - as an NHL player - sucked.
Sure, he put in some time working on his mobility, working on his skating and working on his shot. All of which he needed to do, because nothing about Luke Schenn actually... worked.
Chasing His Man After A Bad Pinch Lining Up For The Face-Off After The (Inevitable) Goal.
But never let it be said that Luke didn't know good PR when he saw it. Take "Luke's Troops." If you took a selection of Luke's actual friends, instead of the soldiers the team chose for TV presentation, you'd get something more like this:
Luke's Real-Life Troops.
Now... how do I know Luke actually did the whole thing as a PR schtick?
Why, I can read his mind.
It's like the way Colby hid his concussion because of the money and his career collapsing and shit.
What does this mean, in terms of the Leafs future? Does it mean Burke has a new-found hatred for contractual fat originating in Saskatoon?
I donno, but if I was Colby, I wouldn't be investing in any dairy farms for the short-term. Bye-bye Colby!
And what next for
Dead Weight Luke Schenn? Well, Flyers fans seem to have taken to him like Flies on.... a gooey substance. Why, they've even coined a clever nickname for him, one that not only embodies their hopes and dreams for Luke, but outlines the practical steps he needs to take to get there - OLARD (Oh Lord, Another Restricted Diet.)
Still, I wouldn't be entirely confident of the Luke and Brayden Show in Philly. So if you happen to be named Schenn, and not Luke or Brayden, and living in the city of Brotherly Love, it may be time to get nervous.
Or, if you just happen to be walking around that town, smeared in cream cheese, i'd be stepping a little light. Cause Lukie's got one helluva hunger. Helluva.
Ah Wisht We Had Arselves Some Moar Brothers, Braydin.That Last One Was Some Good Eattin, Oncet We Got Him Outta That Ther Helmut.
P.S. This post just my way of noting that while a lot of players have played like shit in Toronto, only a select few get a particular pissing on as they exit - even if they got their head caved in playing. Suggestion: How about we use Birky's "warm thank you" for "years of service" line as a standard opening para for guys who leave, and then kick the shit out of how we think they actually played? Cause, guys get hurt, guys have a tough time adjusting, guys have coaches that hate them, there are a lot of things we just don't know.
Who ate more cake:
Luke "The Pillsbury Putz" Schenn? (17 votes)
Cornelius "Corndog" Armberry? (8 votes)
Jonas "I Hear Cake Is Good For Your Heart" Swedishsson (11 votes)
Joey "v. Delicious" Crabb (4 votes)
I hate you I hate you I hate you (29 votes)
69 total votes