TOR's Dion Phaneuf gets a two-game suspension.— Bob McKenzie (@TSNBobMcKenzie) December 10, 2013
I missed the Leafs game on Sunday, because the Leafs don't play on Sundays. So when I heard that Dion Phaneuf decked Boston's Kevin Millar, I assumed it happened in a strip club. "Please Lord," I said, "tell me he got a good shot in on Bill Mueller too."
As I later learned, this wasn't a case of too much cowboying-up taking place in too small of a space, all forgotten over some JD shots and friendly arm-wrestling between bros. Instead, Phaneuf had clobbered Kevan Miller of the Boston Bruins into the boards from behind during a Leafs game on a Sunday, one of those hits that everyone immediately knows is five and a game (except for the two referees paid to enforce the rules of the sport, possibly the Hebner brothers, I didn't watch the game).
It turns out someone employed by the NHL realized the hit was a bad one, as today Brendan Shanahan handed Phaneuf a two game suspension. The Leafs captain will miss the upcoming games against the Kings and the Blues, and will forfeit $66,666.66 in salary.
This means pretty much SFA in the general scheme of things, except for those of us who enjoy watching Morgan Rielly play for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Phaneuf hasn't missed a game since November 2010, so he could probably use a couple games off, and he can pay the fine with change he keeps in a KISS lunchbox in the back of his El Camino (probably).
The Leafs will be missing their best defenseman, which means they likely set the single-season shots-against record in the next two games, give up 11 power play goals, and inexplicably win one of the next two because that is the kind of thing that happens now and the trade-Phaneuf brigade will be phoning the FAN and filling up their Sun columns with nonsense about how the Leafs went .500 without Phaneuf and he doesn't ever smile and he's not a real captain like Vaive and Sunday hockey rules and Phaneuf is cray if he thinks he's getting a raise we gotta lowball this guy or send him to the A. Go Leafs Go!
Sorta got sidetracked there...where was I? Oh yeah:
Fuck the Red Sox.
Editor's Note: Fuck the Yankees too.