To commemorate the bicentennial of the 2nd annual Canada Cup, I somehow roped myself into trying to begin a series of posts. Obviously, I was not Chemmy’s first choice for this assignment (that was 1967ers), nor was I his second choice (that being not norm ullman), but since we three are the only surviving members of PPP to have witnessed it first-hand, you’ll have to forgive the normally diligent delegator for hiring me (though feel free to stay mad at him for being an American).
Fresh off their three-games-to-one victory in the inaugural tourney, Team Canada looked forward to defending their title (if not their town of York). When Canada Day finally rolled around, the team was ready, having secured the services of several new characters, like an 80s sitcom casting a new adopted child to be raised by someone of a different race.
The series opened in Thorold, Ontario (then known as Beaver Dams, on account of its most prominent architecture), on Canada Day, 1813. The Americans were billeted in Niagara-on-the-Lake because (a) who wants to spend more time than necessary in Thorold, and (b) the Canadians had reserved every single room in the local beaver lodges for their own players and fans. Also, because their stupid 3rd Amendment did not apply on this side of the Niagara River.
The only building in town not made of mud and sticks was a stone house owned by one Monsieur DeCou, the paternal great-great-great-great-grandfather of PPP members, daoust and BIG.DADDY.D, who are two different people. It was decided, therefore, that they would employ the newly invented de-unfridgeration technology to ice down the floor of the family parlour and hold this year’s tournament inside of doors. They thought about renting the rink belonging to nearby Brock University, before concluding that nobody wants to go to Brock.
Back in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Team USA head coach, Charles Boerstler, had taken up residence at James Secord’s house, having heard that his wife made the best ice cream this side of Vermont. On the eve of the match, James’ wife, Laura, overheard the coaching staff going over their plays, so she waited until they had retired to the porch before sneaking into the den and using her Samsung Galaxy S4 -make your life richer, simpler, and more fun, with a Galaxy S4 from Samsung™- to photograph their playbook. That’s how we roll in Canada. Deal with it.
She then went out to the stables and saddled up her horse, Rogers – it’s the fastest™ - for the long ride into Thorold. Once there, she located the beaver lodge belonging to Team Canada defenseman, John "Fitzy" FitzGibbon, and downloaded the images onto his son’s schoolhouse slate (in those days, people had no fuckin’ tablets™).
On her way home, the local Indians informed her that the Americans were now looking to extradite her to the States to face charges of espionage, so she boarded a flight to Moscow, in whose airport she still lives, to this day. She later sold the movie rights to her story to Tom Hanks.
Back in Thorold, the icemaker (a former Indian rainmaker who had embraced the new technology) wrapped up work on the DeCou house, and Fred Varley finished painting the logos and ads on the ice surface, in order to enhance the experience. After sitting through a lengthy pre-game ceremony retiring Tom's great-great-grandfather, Porter Hanks’ jersey, the puck was dropped on the 2nd annual Canada Cup.
In the first period, the Americans launched a steady attack, but their pinching defensemen ended up letting the Mohawk brothers sneak in behind them and set up captain, Dominique Ducharme, for the early score. Coach Boerstler refused to change his gameplan, allowing FitzGibbon to set up De Haren with a perfect outlet pass, to make it a 2-0 victory for Team Canada.
The teams then set sail and arrived at Mahone’s Bay, Nova Scotia, for the second contest. Team USA called up Young Teazer, the facepunching son of American Shirling League veteran, Privateer Teazer. Where his father had made a name for himself winning everything there was to win in the ASL, the younger Young had come up through the newly formed American Iced Hackey Association, owned by Sam Adams™.
Earlier in the regular season, an altercation between Young Teazer’s AIHA teammate, Chesapeake, and Canadian-born H.M.S. Shannon took place while Teazer was on the bench. Teazer left the bench and attacked Shannon’s two brothers, an act that would not be forgotten by the Canadians.
Now in an important international game, Teazer was chased around the ice by almost every Canadian on the team, including Sherbrooke, Hogue, Wasp, Valiant, Acasta, Manly, Castor and Orpheus. It was a total fucking gongshow. At one point, Teazer’s teammate, Ulysses S. Porcupine, intervened and was throttled by Wasp, Manly AND Castor. Meanwhile, Teazer hid behind the ref and avoided punishment. Fucking scumbag.
Late in the third period, with the score still knotted at zeroes, Hogue and Orpheus finally caught up to Teazer and pummelled him "viciously" as the ref looked the other way. While this was happening, Team USA defenseman, Johnson, somehow managed to put the puck into his own net, seconds before Teazer was killed by the barrage of blows rained down upon him by Hogue and Orpheus. Man, I remember those days when refs would literally put away their whistles. Like in their dressing rooms. Old time hockey. Final score: Canada 1, USA 0, casualties 30.
Canada now led the series two games to none, with the third Canadian date scheduled before any American cities got to host. The prospect of getting swept in the best-of-five series without ever playing a home game loomed large over Team USA, who travelled to Ile-aux-Noix, Quebec for the first game in that province.
The roster spot vacated by the now-dead Teazer was given to rookie phenom, U.S.S. Growler, whose contract had been purchased from the Lake Champlain Champies of the New York League. He was placed on the top line, alongside Sidney Smith and Thomas Macdonagh. The Canadians countered with Selke finalist, George Taylor, who effectively shut down the quick Americans one more time. To make matters worse, the young Growler allowed the older and slower Taylor to beat him cleanly for the game’s only score, as the Canadians swept the series without allowing a single goal. To add insult to injury, Growler then defected from the U.S. and joined Team Canada in time for the 1814 Canada Cup, which I really don’t feel like recapping right now. I stopped being funny about two FanPosts ago.