Every once in a while, we here at PPP Amalgamated Heavy Industries And Kitten Ranch GmBH like to highlight the trials and tribulations of other hockey teams in a vain attempt to distract us all from the latest indignities that the buds have visited upon us. Needless to say, the last couple of days have provided a bounty courtesy of the perenially inept Edmonton Oilers.
Their absentee owner - unless there's some money to be stolen from some government's coffers - decided that rather than follow Richard Peddie's lead and pen an apology letter in the off-season that he would do so in the middle of possibly the most disappointing season of his short time as the driver for the Boys on the Bus. Needless to say, that letter went over as well as a Taylor Hall open book exam:
I really hope by "we all", you're mean you, Kevin Lowe, the muppets you call sports writers and Adrian Dater. No one else except for the fans still committed to gargling with grape Flavor Aid thought this. The legions of fans that write regularly about your team continually pointed out the holes in your lineup, coaching staff, organization and management team. We're still doing that, by the way.
And it gets meaner from there if you can believe it. At the end, you could imagine a single tear rolling down Katz's cheek as he finally begins to understand the depths that his team has plumbed since their game 7 loss in 2006.
The Edmonton Oilers are in the middle of yet another rough season, and this one is arguably their worst yet.
To that end, and since the team on the ice isn't particularly equipped to placate the angry fanbase on the ice, owner Daryl Katz has reached out to his team's supporters in the form of a letter. The central message of this letter: "Hang in there, my babies."
Of course, this letter, like anything that comes from an owner's office, features plenty of double-talk. So we here at Puck Daddy would like to present a proper translation:
What followed was a solid translation that featured a throwaway joke about the jersey toss...
"Seriously, next guy that throws a jersey on the ice will be taken to the dungeon below Rexall Arena. That dungeon is real. Where do you think Sheldon Souray went?"
THAT TURNED OUT TO BE ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Not that that kind of thing is completely out of the ordinary as creating this Facebook page (cutting edge activism!) resulted IN A ONE YEAR BAN FROM REXALL. Why would anyone dare to critique Kevin Lowe? Have they forgotten about his six Cup rings? Or that he knows a thing or two about winning? Presumably those things are: 1. it's not easy and 2. it doesn't happen in Edmonton.
It's incredibly cruel of the Oilers to allow that fan to return in one year. They should have done him a favour and made the ban last for the rest of his life...or at least Darryl Katz's. The Oilers have reportedly responded to the growing discontent with Lowe's management in the ham-fisted manner we've become accustomed to and are now being faced with rumours of astroturfing support!
Protest against Kevin Lowe in Rexall: get taken to Room 101. Protest against Kevin Lowe outside the Oilers offices: get arrested.— P. Guay (@p_guay) January 22, 2014
But do not worry because the Oilers want to make sure that the majority of their fans are on board with Katz's with a poll (sadly now closed) but not before one sharp eyed blogger alerted fans as to its existence.
@mlse Can't believe they didn't anticipate this URL would get shared around— Bishnu (@bishnu_b) January 22, 2014
Hopefully in the time that it was open to any devious scamp that the Oilers received one message loud and clear from the results: we read the letter, we're happy with the Oilers, they're going to get better, and we're all proud to be Oilers fans. Ok, the last one is going to be a dead giveaway that the poll was fucked with.
Now that we're all out of laughs, let's end with a musical interlude.