To whom it may concern;
My name is John, and I would like to formally apply for the position of Toronto Maple Leafs assistant coach. I may lack in experience, but if you would please look beyond that, you will find I possess a plethora of attributes that would make me an excellent selection as the next assistant coach of the Leafs.
First off, I don't understand statistical analisys...I mean, I don't know what it is or how to even spell it correctly. I mean, I know it has something to do with math, but really when's the last time math did anything for anyone? Math never put a man on the moon, Rockets did. We need to be more like rockets.
Secondly, I know how to win. All you need to do is be better than everyone else. I've watched winning teams, and you know what they do? Win. We need to do more of that. Easy, right? I've won enough card games to know that eventually, fate just deals you a great hand. All we have to do is get consistently lucky. No sweat. I don't know why more teams don't do that.
In conclusion, I look forward to hearing from you regarding my eventual hiring, and subsequent contract extension.
Edit: Shit, I forgot to mention how tough I am, which is very. One time my toast got stuck in the toaster. I jammed a knife so hard into that thing I electrocuted myself. Did that stop me from doing it again? No way. I just kept jamming and jamming. You see, not only am I tough, but I won't take electrocution for an answer. This is what it takes to win in this league, a refusal to acknowledge that what you're doing may not be the right way to do it.
So to recap: Rockets + winning + compete + toughness = John for assistant coach.
Thank you for your time.