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Gary Bettman's Suggestions To Improve The NHL

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  1. Immediate expansion into Europe with an eye on Japan and China
  2. Increase obstruction/interference calls. Eye-contact between opposing players should result in coincidental minors
  3. One shot per team in each shoot-out will be "judged" and awarded a point based on "brilliance and immagination", resulting in 4, or even 5-point games
  4. No blue-lines, 3-on-3 overtime, and 2 basketballs instead of a hockey puck
  5. get a different commissioner

5 Ways to Save the NHL

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  1. Contraction/Relocation - Some teams just are not going to make it. Florida, Atlanta, Nashville, Tampa Bay, and the Islanders can get either axed or moved. "Give them a good team and they'll support it!" will say the whiners. Well, part of having a club is supporting it in the downtimes. Just ask us.
  2. Home Whites - Seriously, what a terrible idea by the league.
  3. Throwback Jerseys - Stop using them to make more money from fans and use them as their permanent jerseys. Wait, should I call them sweaters?
  4. No More Shootout - And not just because the Leafs suck at it. Why should teams make the playoffs because they have players that are better at breakaways than another team's? Dammit I hate Bettman.
  5. Divisional Playoffs - You know why Leafs and sens fans hate each other? Because of playoff meetings. Not six regular season games in three weeks.

Five Ways To Improve The NHL

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  1. Cheaper Tickets: People shouldn't have to give their first born to see a game.
  2. Better Owner Oversight: More due diligence on new owners and stricter regulations on current owners will keep any more "Boots" debacles from happening.
  3. Home Whites: Small change but I like seeing the different colours come through the ACC to fight the good guys in white.
  4. More League Initiatives in 'Expansion' Markets: Instead of giving the expansion fee to the other owners in the NHL use the money to build the infrastructure (minor hockey leagues, advertising, etc.) in the new markets. If Dallas can succeed why not Miami/Tampa Bay?
  5. Better Referee Oversight: If they make mistakes they should be held accountable. Fire (Fraser) refs (1993) for egregious mistakes that they lie about to cover up (Gretzky high stick)

5 Most Embarrassing ways Kyle Wellwood could have broken his foot (instead of indoor soccer warmups)

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  1. Shaving his legs in the shower while drunk (trust me this is a BAD idea)
  2. Fell getting the mail
  3. “Well, uh, my girlfriend and I, uh are into some pretty kinky stuff and, uh it kinda got out of hand”
  4. Racing Carlo Colaiacovo to the corner store
  5. Was at the Playboy mansion on trampoline night and tried to show off for the bunnies

Top 5 NHL Teams that should be axed/moved

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  1. Nashville Predators
  2. Florida Panthers
  3. Tampa Bay Lightning
  4. Phoenix Coyotes
  5. Carolina Hurricanes

5 things I'd rather do than watch the Finals

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  1. Speculate endlessly on MLSE management choices
  2. Watch the Boston Celtics implode on the road
  3. Go for a drive while gas is still below 3bucks a litre
  4. Cheer on Kobe "Five Hole" Bryant to destroy the Spurs
  5. Head outside to stare at this strange bright glowing orb in the sky

worst playoff beards

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  1. Saku Koivu
  2. Jaromir Jagr
  3. Pavel Bure
  4. Sidney Crosby
  5. Jason Spezza - or? anyone else?

best playoff beards

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  1. Wendel Clark
  2. Dave Lowry
  3. Mike Commodore
  4. Jason Smith
  5. tie: Bourque/Stevens/Neidermayer
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