Festivus Contest: Bryan McCabe

Hey there. Um, look—I’ve been pretty busy at doing nothing, so I had an imaginary friend deliver this Airing of Grievances for me. Also, I thought that this particular friend would be pretty funny.  Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Towelie!

Bryan, you look really sweaty and bloody. Did you remember to bring a towel? Towels are very important, you know. Do you know what else is important, Bryan? Competent defense is also very important to your life, Bryan. Yes it is. What gives, man? Maybe if I got a little high I could explain what’s wrong and how to fix it better.

/Takes bong hit You wanna get high?
/takes second bong hit
/longer pause

Oh right, defense. Lemme break it down for you. "De"—well, that’s like how French people say "the" because they can’t say the "th" sound. And "fense" is like how English people say "fence." Like a fence that blocks stuff and keeps other stuff out, you know? That’s what "de fence" does in hockey—it keeps other people away from the goalie. You’re "de" fence around "de" goalie. Heheheheheh...I oughta write this kinda stuff down. Yeah, we’ve seen you do some pretty good stuff, but you’ve done a lot of stupid carp to make up for it. This video shows some of your stupidest moves. I mean, you got checked by the net. Don’t they teach you to look out for that thing and to not run into it when you’re in, like, Peewee hockey? I can’t imagine that they don’t.

/takes a bong hit

Goals are nice, but your first priority as a defenseman is to keep the other team from scoring. Like I said, "de" fence...heheheheheh. I’ve got some pictures here on my cell phone that’ll help show you what to do. Just let me see where I stored it on here...
/takes out cell phone
/doo-doo-bee-boo-boop dee-doo-doo-doo!

That’s it! That’s the chorus to Funkytown! And now, Loser Domi wants me to tell you Feats of Strength that you can do to redeem yourself for all your Grievances. Ummm...(looks at list) This list is dumb. "competent defense" "Worry more about defending than scoring"—blahh, blah, blah! I want you to see you fit a hockey puck in your mouth. Now that would be impressive! Also, I think lots of other people would be happy to see you punch yourself in the face.I don't think it would help your game, but it would be funny. is a fan community that allows members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Toronto Maple Leafs and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editor of