Christmas Contest - NHL as the Solar System

In today's guest post, the allusion to the Leafs as the "Centre" (Queen's English FTW!) and the Isles out in the Kuiper belt got me to thinking.. How would the NHL Teams line up if this idea was expanded?


The Sun: Toronto Maple Leafs

From which all that is light and good flows into an uncaring universe. The Leafs, much like the sun, is perhaps hated and feared by some of the other planets, but without it they would be but swirls of dust spinning throughout the cosmos.

The Inner Planets

Mercury: Pittsburgh Penguins

Pittsburgh, while not necessarily closest to the Centre(tm) of the Solar System, is a very mercurial team. They go from awesome (Lemieux era) to downright terrible (Late Lemieux era) back to awesome again (Crosby/Malkin era). These wild swings back and forth make them highly unstable and probably difficult to cheer for. You're either a masochist or a bandwagon jumper, essentially.

Venus: Montreal Canadiens

Apart from being fairly close to the Centre(tm), Venus shares the attribute with Les Habs of a stifling, oppressive atmosphere. It is an extremely hostile environment involving intense heat and embarassing sing-song antics.

Earth: New York Rangers

The Rangers have been gifted with abundant resources and population, which makes them only second to the Leafs in ability to suck horribly and still make money. However, due to some shrewd moves/mafia death threats the team has been playing respectable and is perhaps on the road to redemption, much like our abused little planet.

Mars: Chicago Blackhawks

For many years, Chicago was a dead place for hockey. However, the seeds were there, just below the surface. Once the evil owner performed his final write-off, the first signs of life started to sprout. Much like the red planet, this has the possibility of becoming a verdent hockey oasis, with a bright future.

Asteroid Belt: Buffalo Sabres

The Asteroid Belt, much like Buffalo, is a dump. Years of neglect and loss of industry has left Buffalo on the ropes, its prospects being smashed and flying out of orbit for soft landings on other, better planets. However, there are still abundant resources waiting to be mined, hopefully before a buyer comes in and turns it into a small but profitable planetoid around our Sun.

Outer Planets

Jupiter: Boston Bruins

Boston, much like Jupiter, is big. Beasts like Chara and Lucic prowl about, easily crushing anything that is unfortunate enough to venture into their path. Observing Jupiter is a hell of a lot more interesting than watching a Bruins game, however.

Saturn: Detroit Red Wings

Both known for their collection of rings, Saturn and the Red Wings are consistent heavyweights. Much like Detroit, nothing lives on Saturn, with life (potentially) thriving on its satellite Titan (Windsor).

Uranus: Ottawa Senators

Hu hu hu hu.

Neptune: Edmonton Oilers

Mighty Neptune is way the hell out there, and freakishly cold. Other similarities with Edmonton include a system of (old) rings.

Trans-Neptunian System

Kuiper Belt: New York Islanders, New Jersey Devils, Philadelphia Flyers

This region of space filled with ice is comparable to their respective teams in that occasionally something nasty will come out of here and slam into the Sun/Leafs.

Pluto: Vancouver Canucks

Sufferers of perhaps the biggest delusions of adequacy in the league, this wannabe planet/team hates the Suns/Leafs despite the object of their ire being barely aware of their existence. This is perhaps exacerbated by the nature of the schedule/orbit, which has the closest approach to the Sun/Leafs every 100 years or so.

Coal Sack Nebula: All SE Division teams

The Coal Sack Nebula is a dim area of the sky in the southern hemisphere. It is approximately 600light years away, which is pretty similar in magnitude to the inappropriateness of having two hockey teams in Florida.

Other Regions: The rest of this damn huge league

Most of the rest of the league/universe don't really matter to those in the Center. Only  at the Cup Finals would the Leafs become aware of these shadowy opponents, leaving us in blissful ignorance for potentially years to come. is a fan community that allows members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Toronto Maple Leafs and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editor of