Editor's Note: I strongly suggest that if you wish to avoid any jail time that you read this handy guide prior to every Leafs game until they are good again.
Fan Rage. We've all been there. After your team endures a brutal beating, you want to hurt something. You may feel like throwing a bottle at your TV. You might want to put your fist through the laptop screen. Or perhaps you might want to formulate a complex assassination plot to exact revenge on the team/player(s)/coach/ref(s) who have wronged you.
With these simple techniques you will save countless dollars and murder charges!
1 - Breathe
Remember to breathe, calmly, slowly. In with the good air, out with the bad. Visualize yourself in a happy place, perhaps lounging on a beach somewhere, with no sports logos in sight. Topless beach is optional but encouraged if you have a decent enough imagination. For the ladies, how about some Matthew McConahey? Alrite alrite..
2 - Commiserate with Fellow Fans
This is an important step in the "shrug it off" phase. Trade ideas on how things could be improved, and be sure to point out what, if anything, your team did right. If this proves too difficult and you cannot come up with anything after 5 minutes, move along to another topic or better yet, reminisce about when the team DID do something well. Try, if possible, to think of the good times when you were actually alive. Again, if this is difficult fee free to go back as far as you wish.
3 - Avoid Contact with Fans of the opposition team
This should be somewhat obvious, but also important is to avoid any online forums where they might be crowing about their victory or deriding your team. Nothing a bunch of anonymous yahoos posting on the internet will help your state of mind, or otherwise illuminate the game you just watched. Stay far, far away from places where these idiots congregate such as the comment sections on cbc.ca, tsn.ca or columns by Benedict Arnold media types.
If someone you know enjoys needling you after a team's loss, deflate their attempt by acknowledging (tersely) the loss. Learn to talk like a GM or someone who can handle the media. Keep things short, factual and without emotion. This causes people who want to get a rise out of you to get bored and move on. Blowing up in a torrent of rage will only keep them coming back to torment you in the future.
An exception to this are those opposition fans known to you to be classy and good winners. Sometimes they will provide you with some solace, as any true fan of a sport knows it could be their team at the receiving end of a savage beat down. It is likewise important to be one of this type of fans and therefore avoid statements such as "lolololol the YOUR_TEAM_HERE suck so bad why do they bother lolololol what a bunch of classless loosers [sic]".
Feel free to mentally note any and all opFans who have said stupid things and be sure to visit it back upon their misfortunes a hundredfold, however. Show no mercy as they have showed none to you.
4 - Drink
Drinking dulls the pain and you might luck out and kill off the brain cells that are storing the painful memories.
Recommended alcohol: Canadian Whisky. Tequila and Rum are too "festive" for the somber occasion. Vodka is also acceptable.
Drugs are generally not recommended as you may not want to just mellow out (pot) or become a scary meth head.
5 - Remember, it's just a game
Even (Especially!) in a tragic, lopsided loss there is usually a good deal of entertainment value to be gleaned. Accept the loss and move on. You never know when things will turn around. In any event, this handy checklist will hopefully make you feel better:
Things to be thankful for outside of your crappy team:
[ ] Health
[ ] Job
[ ] Family
[ ] Cool Pets
[ ] A Jetski!
[ ] Gravity
So, hopefully this guide will have helped you sort through the feelings of anger, frustration and/or sadness you might be experiencing. Unless this is being read by Habs fans sometime in the next few years when Montreal is back to being a terrible team. In which case, YOUR TEAM SUCKS, LOOSERS! LOLOLOLOLOL!