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The Liquidators

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You know who I don't trust? Apart from the French and circus folk, obviously. Linesmen. Like a dentist, a linesman is inherently bogus. Hither and tither they skate, looking for their violations involving the centre and blue lines – using such arcane language as 'icing' or 'offside'.

 Biggest moment in the game for a linesman? The ‘the too many players on the ice’ penalty. I mean, come on. If that’s the highlight of your day, it’s time to find a new career, (I’m fortunate in that I have such a rewarding role in life – cleaning out the litter bins in my local KFC).

 Anyway, here’s the plan. Given a nice new stripy jumper and a couple of weeks of skating lessons – I reckon I could kidnap a current NHL linesman and take his place on the ice without anyone noticing the difference. Target game is the final showdown on the season against ottawa. Look out for the fella trying to give Stajan a big cuddle even though he isn’t involved in a fight. The revolution in officiating starts here!