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Why the Leafs won't win the Stanley Cup in 2015-2016

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Note: You wanted some bone-crushing, fist-pumping analysis? Lanny Foster of The Score brings the heat in this guest post!

Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

You may not believe it, but the Toronto Maple Leafs won't win the Stanley Cup next season.

Wayne Gretzky once said:

To win the Stanley Cup, you have to have good players who score goals and also ones who don't necessarily score goals but ones who can defend your own goal to prevent other teams from scoring goals on your team.

The Maple Leafs simply don't have enough of what 'The Great One' was talking about.

Get ready for the evidence.

Exhibit A: 'The Analytics'

The Maple Leafs just don't Corsi!

It's that simple. Take a look at Tyler Bozak's (or 'Tyler' as teammates call him) advanced stats from last year:

That's really bad.  19% good Corsis? You just can't win in today's NHL with 19 good Corsis.

Take a look at someone like Jonathan Toews' 2014-2015 advanced stats:

Obviously, 98% good Corsis is better than 19%. And that's just science.

If Tyler Bozak is your #1 centre in today's NHL with 19% good Corsis, the Maple Leafs just don't stand a chance.

It was Sidney Crosby who said: '

If you can't Corsi, you should probably retire and become a professional fisherman or something else because honestly, honestly, honestly, if I'm being honest, I don't respect anyone who can't Corsi.

Wow, Sid.

And those numbers from 'Tyler' are just the start. Check out the Maple Leafs' TEAM Corsis.

Woof.

This is an area they must address in order to make yours truly look stupid for making this bold proclamation:

No Cup.

Exhibit B: 'Grammar'

Maple Leafs? How about Maple LEAVES, idiots?

It's time for change, and why not start now?

This terrible use of the English language is destroying the minds of our children and I for one, won't stand for it.

You think that's bad? It's just the start.

Last year the Maple Leaves employed a player by the name of Colton Orr.

Not seeing the problem? Take a closer look.

His name is Colton ORR. If you take a look at his family name, there are two (2) 'R's.'

Since when do we spell the word 'or' with two (2) 'R's?'

Don't believe me? Check out this image courtesy Webster's Dictionary:

Do you see an extra 'R' in there? Terrible.

But the Maple Leaves couldn't stop there.

They had the gall to draft Martins Dzierkals in the 2015 NHL Entry Draft.

You know he's just ONE Martin, right, Maple LEAVES?

Saying MartinS doesn't give you two Martin Dzierkalses.

They've done this before...and if trading for Mat(s) Sundin couldn't bring a Cup to Toronto, how do you expect the drafting of Martin(s) Dzierkals too?

'Now,' you wonder, 'what does grammar have to do with winning the Stanley Cup?'

Well, not since 1967 has a team with an incorrectly spelled name won a Stanley Cup.

That team? The Toronto Maple Leafs.

No Cup.

Exhibit C: 'Children'

The Maple Leaves always say they are a family-first organization.

Well, hiring a head coach with an inappropriate name won't help win the fans over, that's for sure.

Mike Bab**** may have two gold medals and a Stanley Cup under his belt, but he doesn't need to share what else he has under there with a last name like that.

This type of family-second attitude may hurt team chemistry and lead to the club's downfall when looking to win the Stanley Cup next season.

If Mike Bab**** had stuck with his original family name of Babfun, this would be a different story.

No Cup.

Exhibit D: 'The Team'

I won nine Stanley Cups, and they were all because of me. On my 14th Cup team, I scored the game-winner in Game 7. When Phil Esposito had food-poisoning during our run to my 38th Stanley Cup, I scored every single one of our goals during those playoffs.

When people thought I was going to retire because doctors had to put my elbows in my legs as knee-replacements, I went out and scored 10 goals in Game 4 in our sweep of St. Louis, which helped me win my 104th Stanley Cup. - Bobby 'Elbow-Knees' Orr.

To win sports' greatest trophy, you have to have skill, leadership, determination, camaraderie with your teammates and discipline.

The Maple Leaves, as we stand have all of those qualities aside from skill, leadership, determination, camaraderie with your teammates and discipline.

100 Martin(s) Dzierkals's couldn't bring the leadership they need to hoist Lord Stanley's Mug.

With Tyler 'Tyler' Bozak's Corsis, the skill and determination is clearly lacking.

Camaraderie?

Have a look at this quote from Joffery Lupul directed at teammate Dion Phaneuf:

Dion, we aren't friends.

Whoa.

No Cup.

Summary: 'No Cup'

A hope.

While many 'experts' will predict a President's Trophy and a Final appearance for this team, you would be wise to temper your expectations and remember that without Corsis, grammar, family and a good team, you simply cannot win a Stanley Cup in today's NHL.

No Cup.

Despite what you may have expected from this Leaves team next season, surely now you realize that the Maple Leaves' hope of winning the Stanley Cup in 2015 is just that.