clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

From the Branches: Vote James van Riemsdyk for President!

New, comments

He's the Green candidate

Boston Bruins v Toronto Maple Leafs

Hello everyone. Just a completely normal and uneventful day in the world today, isn't it? Nothing interesting happening. Very quiet. No significant events I can think of....

Oh, right. Phil Kessel is running for President.

This is terrible. Phil would be a disaster as President. Oh, yes, he says he's a "nice guy" and "tries hard", but does he really "love the game"?

The NHL is rigged, folks. It's rigged. Bettman is lying to you and the polls are wrong. Nobody loves the game more than James van Riemsdyk. Nobody. Trust me, I would know. Phil Kessel is such a nasty man. I've heard the Department of Player Safety is about to indict him for keeping NHL chicken and pasta off-site at a secret buffet restaurant. This is what I'm hearing, folks. This is what people are telling me.

JvR is the best candidate by far. By far. He even has great green policies. All mouthguards will be required to be green and enjoyably chewable under a JvR administration. Plus, he's from Jersey. You know who else is from Jersey? BON JOVI! A source close to the JvR campaign, who requested anonymity because he is not authorised to speak to bloggers, has informed me that Auston Matthews himself fully endorses JvR for President, specifically for his pro-Bon Jovi singing policies.

Don't be fooled by t-shirts, folks. VOTE VAN RIEMSDYK!

(But, seriously, if you are American, and have not yet done so, GO AND VOTE TODAY!)

Meanwhile in Florida

If the Panthers win and no one is there to see, does it count in the standings?

I put this blurry from-my-TV-photo on Twitter and got the predictable nonsense replies about elitism and "Auston Matthews is from Arizona!"

What got to me was being accused of not equally noting poor attendance in Ottawa.

Are you kidding me? Mocking the SNES is our bread and butter and we miss no opportunity to do that. The FTB last month by elseldo on their poor attendance stands as one of our most viewed posts of 2016. Also their arena changes names every six weeks or so, and it's famous food is egg rolls which don't at all look like proper egg rolls, taste terrible, and come in a disgusting array of filling options like "cheeseburger." Such a nasty team.

Meanwhile in Vancouver

The Canucks tire fire grew to 9 straight losses last night (actually in Brooklyn). Yes, even the Islanders beat up on them, winning 4-2.

It's about the time of year to start up the "which coach is fired first?" machine, and Willie Desjardins is a popular candidate. I would prefer someone else be first and permanently evicted from hockey:

From Aaron Portzline:

I'd rather spend time doing that than listening to this crap about the Corsi and the Fenwick, because those stats do not apply. I don't care what anybody says in this league, they don't apply to the game of hockey. The scoring chances for and [against] is what tells you the story of the individual player and your team concept, as far as what's going on.

-John Tortorella

But corsi... scoring chances... they're... fenwick is... that's.... WRGHRBRBRBRBRBRLL

On a Serious Note

To the Five for Howling Community - Five For Howling
[Species: Please go and read. It's really about all our communities, not only the Coyote's.]

And, finally

If at any time today you need some relief from world events, here's a live stream of the Kitten Academy.


The Leafs play the Kings tonight at 7:30PM at the ACC. Should be a good match-up and an opportunity for the kids to prove they are the real deal. We'll have a preview up soon.