The Leafs employ many hockey players. Here are the things that they are.
Naz is The Clash. He's a full-on punk while also being much more talented than that label gives him credit for.
Leo Komarov is your cool uncle who has somehow won at having a midlife crisis. You know who looks good with a handlebar? Leo and Wendel Clark. That's it.
Matthews is Sidney Crosby. See? Now it's out there in the open and we can all relax. It's fine.
Connor Brown is Ron Weasley. Underestimate him at your peril, Slytherins.
Joffrey Lupul is the title character from Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot.
VLADIMIR: We're going to the playoffs.
ESTRAGON: We can't.
VLADIMIR: Why not?
ESTRAGON: We're waiting for Joffrey Lupul.
BOY: Sirs, Mr. Lupul greatly desired to come off injured reserve today, but he exploded all of his bones making a sandwich. But he will be here tomorrow.
ESTRAGON: Let's go to the playoffs.
VLADIMIR: We're going.
[They do not move.]
Nylander is Pikachu. He's adorable and electric with yellow hair and we're all impatient to see his fully-evolved form.
Tyler Bozak is Ringo Starr. He's fine at what he does, though he's clearly never been the driving creative force in his ensemble.
REPORTER: Is Tyler Bozak the best 3C in the NHL?
JOHN LENNON: He's not even the best 3C on the Leafs!
Mitch Marner is the subject of Samuel Coleridge's famed Gothic poem, The Rime of the Ancient Marner. The poem describes a curse on hockey writers, who are condemned to discuss whether Marner is big enough until the end of their days.
Jonathan Bernier was a South African anti-apartheid revolutionary, politician, and philanthropist, who served as President of South Africa from 1994 to 1999.
Stephane Robidas is still on the roster! Did you guys know that? Holy shit!
Peter Holland is Johnny Bravo. Bravo's efforts with women are comparably successful to Holland's efforts to get more ice time.
Nikita Soshnikov is like a Russian, grown-up version of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. Look, here's Calvin:
And here's Nikita:
I fully expect Nikita to use a carboard box to teleport into the o-zone next season.
Jake Gardiner is an elegant cherry blossom tree, whose light and drifting bloom emphasizes the beautiful ephemerality of human endeavour as well as his own whispering stride. Also, cherry blossom trees have consistently great Corsi.
Rielly is an owl.
Nikita Zaitsev is whatever you want him to be. He isn't here yet. The only person who's actually seen him play is Katya. He could be Bobby Orr for all we know.
Connor Carrick is Sam Carrick, and vice versa.
Martin Marincin is an inkblot. What you see is more about you than him.
Evan Brooks Laich
Evan Brooks Laich is the middle three words of a drunk Scotsman describing the appearance of something British. The first word is "it" and the last word is "crrrrrap."
Colin Greening sounds like a euphemism for an enema. Think about it. You can't forget it now.
Horton is the Messiah. By his suffering are we freed from ancient sin.
James Van Riemsdyk
JVR is a giant and that is absolutely only intended in one sense.
Bonus: Phil Kessel
Phil is American Civil War General and Reconstruction-era President Ulysses S. Grant. He's an unstoppable offensive force known for disengaging from defenders and advancing rapidly up the flanks. He's been unfairly maligned by malicious and biased writers. Also:
Phil Kessel is going to become President of the United States.