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A Letter To Our Friends The Bruins

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Written in a spirit of friendship and love.

Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

Hey guys.

How's it going over there?  We know it's been a trying season, what with the being bad and all.  It can't have been easy watching your team play nine hundred more games than everyone else and lose most of them.  Now you have to watch as younger, sexier teams eat up your lead through games in hand and take your ticket to the playoffs.  :(

Don Sweeney saw this happening, and he wasn't going to stand for it.  He saw that his team was floundering and he...signed David Backes for five years?  Hang on, my notes are out of order.  He saw his team was floundering, and refused to trade Brandon Carlo for Jacob Trouba because Carlo is tall.  Shit, really?  That's dumb.  Are you sure this guy should be running the team?  He sounds bad.

No, wait, he saw his team was floundering, and he fired Claude Julien.  Never mind that literally everyone in hockey, including your rivals (hi), grudgingly thought Julien was a superb coach.  Never mind that the Bruins are ten-months-pregnant due to regress upward in shooting percentage.  Never mind that Zdeno Chara was already an aging veteran even in your glory days World War I.  Never mind that Tuukka Rask was having a down year compounded by the fact that your backup goalie is [checks notes again] Zane McIntyre?  Wasn't that one of the original Power Rangers?  Only he can save the Bruins from Rita Repulsa!

Don Sweeney saw past all that to a man who had lost the room (this means nothing).  He saw a man who had been in his job too long (in the mirror) and decided Julien was not the man to coach going forward (Julien will have a new head coaching job by Thanksgiving.)  He saw a chance to change horses in mid-stream and he took it, and I'm sure your team won't drown.

Of course, the decision was made easier by the fact that the Bruins had a steady hand waiting in the wings.  The Bruins are a fragile team right now, worn by a tense playoff race, bad luck and a fan base that's been ignoring them lately to masturbate to Tom Brady.  The Bruins need a calming, emotionally sensitive influence who--

Holy shit!  Uh--okay, so--look, maybe he's more of the tough love type.  Love in the sense of "views sick kids and pregnant spouses as a crutch for laziness."  Good.  Super good.

I know things can't have been easy in recent years, as your team squanders the last of Patrice Bergeron's prime and liquidates players like Seguin and Hamilton for being bad at laundry.  But keep your chin up.  It can (will) always get worse.  Most of all, as bad as things get, remember: you could have got Barzal, Connor, and Kylington there.

Love,

Your friends at PPP