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Buy me Dougie Hamilton or go to hell

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Shut the hell up about asset management and cap space and make this team better.

Calgary Flames v Toronto Maple Leafs
I don’t care how much you like Miami, we want you.
Photo by Claus Andersen/Getty Images

(H/T to The Bag for the headline)

I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking it anymore. I’m sick to death of talk about cap space and asset management and trading contracts and dumping salary and most of all PAYING SOMEONE WITH KASPERI KAPANEN TO TAKE ON A CONTRACT.

Ahem.

Some mood music.

I’m sick of when a man comes on the radio and tells me more and more about some bullshit trade that involves gutting the team in a contract dump. I’m even more sick of this crap when it’s coming from me.

Oooooo! Look at the cap savings!!!! Yeah, if you say that in the tone that should be reserved for when the Leafs actually exit the zone and roar off up ice and score a goal, maybe you should try to recall what the point of hockey is.

Here’s the bottom line: You don’t sign John Tavares and then piss away his peak years. You don’t give Auston Matthews all the money you gave Tavares and piss away his too young to know better years. You do not take any steps back while you fiddle around managing assets. If I wanted to watch that, I’d be a damn Yotes fan. You make this team better.

So, Kyle Dubas, you just go ahead and make your trades for Patrick Marleau and Nikita Zaitsev, you do that. But when you’re done, if you haven’t bought me Dougie, we’re finished, buddy.

Because, here’s where I’m at. You don’t trade away Kasperi Kapanen to get someone to take Patrick Marleau. Because what then? Then you’re trading Jesperi Kapanen to get someone to take Zaitsev, and you’re trading Lasperi Kapanen to get a defenceman to replace Zaitsev, and you’re trading Mesperi Kapanen to get a forward to play top six, and then you need someone to play Ron Hainsey’s minutes, and you can’t trade Nasperi Kapanen to do that, you need him to play hockey.

We all do remember that the point of this is to actually win games, right?

Oh, and while we’re here, let’s trade Nazem Kadri when the next man up at centre involves a death match between Nic Petan and Frederik Gauthier. Let’s just trade every damn player there is.

Hey, you know what would really fix the cap? Trade John Tavares. That solves it!

But okay, deep breath. Kyle Dubas, unlike the rest of the world, actually knows the Maple Leafs are not in “cap hell” and there is no requirement to trade away half the team to make room to sign Mitch Marner to too much money. Which is all William Nylander’s fault, because if only he cared, he’d have shot somewhere north of bad defenceman territory last season. But he doesn’t love us, so Mitch Marner is getting $10 million.

Well, he’ll need to play all four lines, so I guess that’s okay.

There is a bit of a squeeze here, to be sure. Having Marleau off the books would be great, and would ease things up, but you know what? If the price is a roster player, the answer should be no. No, wait, it should be, “HELL NO!” Sorry, Patty, we love you and all, but if the fourth line in Toronto is no good for you at that epic overpay, then retire or else waive the no-move all the way! Suck it up and admit it’s over. And if not, to hell with you, you can haunt the press box and cost against the cap, and if you don’t like it, you can get suspended.

Because if Zaitsev wants out — and it’s not because Don Cherry and the Athletic were mean to him — it’s because the Maple Leafs and Mike Babcock had the temerity to insist he play defence! The nerve! Expecting a defenceman to defend. And yeah, he used to be the star back home, and he was loved and won awards and got cheers not jeers, and boo hoo. If he was good enough to take over the second unit power play, he’d have been given it. Jake Muzzin is better. Suck it up, man.

Or don’t. Because if Marleau costs a real boy to move out, move out Zaitsev instead. He’s not actually overpaid on the second pair; he can play big minutes, tough minutes, and I don’t give an ever-loving f ... ruit-filled turnover what hockey twitter thinks of the guy. He’s coped fairly well playing over his head on a team with a collection of forwards whose grasp on the concept of team defensive execution might actually be worse than the team in that video with the mic’d up Timbits kid.

The Leafs forwards might actually be worse at that than the Canucks (which is totally, exactly why the Leafs should promote Jeremy Bracco right now, I tell you what). The Canucks want to trade for Zaitsev, it is said. Because, perhaps, they know he won’t go on strike after the first practice when he sees their collection of forwards and how much time they like to spin around in the defensive zone.

Vancouver is a good place for Russians, Z, uh, just ask Pavel Bure. So, if he wants out, fine then. It’s the dumbest possible set of circumstances that the Leafs are shedding two of their top four defenders at the same time when they don’t have anyone to promote, and if you tell me Justin Holl is just dreamy, I’ll suggest you give up absinthe. Yes I argued at length using numbers and shit that this was stupid, and it is. But fine, Kyle, can I call you Kyle? Trade the guy who will actually return more than cap space, because cap space does not know how to defend a two-on-one any better than most of the Leafs!

But if you do, Kyle, if you do make the “oooooo, the cap space” people all super hyped by pulling off both of these trades, you better buy me Dougie. And ignore that voice shouting that you should just re-sign Jake. That sounds suspiciously like Babcock to me, and you know you and him don’t talk.