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WATCH: Auston Matthews makes NHL history, scores four goals in first game

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Something something Joe Thornton, roosters, you know.

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs at Ottawa Senators Marc DesRosiers-USA TODAY Sports

You remember what happened on Oct. 8, 2013? Tomas Hertl scored four goals in just his third NHL game. He took some flak for that - apparently when young people are good at hockey and having fun, old people get really angry about that for no apparent reason - and Joe Thornton came to his defence, with some particularly funny (and crass) language.

Four goals in one game is now known as a dick trick, thanks to him.

Thornton is an extremely good player. He has never had a dick trick.

Matthews, in his very first NHL game, is the very first player to ever debut with a four goal performance. (I mean, excluding some duded from 1917, apparently. I guess if you’re gonna celebrate a centennial...)

Thirty-nine minutes. Fifty-seven seconds. Four goals. Matthews is the king.

This particular gem was assisted by William Nylander and Jake Gardiner. In case you somehow missed them, here are goals one, two, and three.

This is unprecedented. I don’t even know what to say anymore, at this point. He is putting fear into the hearts of well-established, extremely talented netminders already.

So uh... what’s the protocol on five? Six? Ten? Matthews has already made history; what are a couple more?