I'm sorry, my eyes are full of laugh-tears at Simmons' latest column. I won't link to it, but the title is, "Did Leafs' pitch overwhelm Stamkos?" and it's basically a morality tale of being too needy on your first date with your childhood sweetheart. Here's the interesting detail from the column. "He left the meeting with the Leafs, and apparently turned to his advisors and said: 'No more meetings.'"

Simmons is spinning it as ridiculously as he can, painting the pitch as way too overwhelming for Stamkos. I don't think so. I think Stamkos would've enjoyed the Leafs, but realized the thing that we all did -- that the team wouldn't be competitive during the (hopeful) best years of his career. You keep being you, other Steve. Anyway, on to...

Hockey News

Capitals acquire Jaromir Jagr from Penguins and other historic moments.

Joshua Ho-Sang promises to answer Islanders' call | NHL
Kid. If you don't figure out your alarm issues this season, I swear to god I will mom-voice your social media every morning at 5 AM.

Leafs Looking for Experienced Backup Goalie | THW
"The Maple Leafs traded away goalie Jonathan Bernier and his $4.15 million cap hit to the Anaheim Ducks on Saturday, which has effectively opened up a goalie spot on the club’s NHL roster."

The end of a long weekend at Bernies | TLN

Leafs fans are losing confidence in Lou Lamoriello | TLN

Don't give money and term to depth players | Locker Room Hero
"I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the Leafs’ moves in the first week of Free Agency. For those who missed it, Toronto signed hard hitting 4th liner Matt Martin to a four year, $2.5 M per contract and the familiar Roman Polak to a one year deal at $2.25 million. Neither contract is big time money like the Lucics and Okposos of the world but Toronto obviously targeted something this off season; that something was size, toughness and "grit". Things traditional hockey minds love but I myself don’t put a ton of stock in as key factors to winning hockey games in 2016."

Battle of Ontario Episode 14 – Breaking down the Leafs offseason with Anthony Petrielli | MLHS

NHL Free Agency: Gaudreau, Kucherov among top RFAs still unsigned | CBS Sports
"We've seen multiple restricted free agents come out of their entry-level contracts with long-term extensions in hand this summer alone. There will be more before the puck drops in 2016-17." Please pay Kucherov, Yzerman.

Cult of Hockey: Five wise men of NHL weigh in on ChiaPete's brash bets | Edmonton Journal
"Deal was Hall for Larsson AND Lucic."

Alex Burrows is the ultimate NHL survivor | The Province
"I’m still around."

NHL Mock Expansion Draft: Post-Draft/Free Agency Edition | Too Many Men on the Site
"For my first NHL Mock Expansion Draft, I will follow both the actual rules set in place, including a few personal rules for more realistic accuracy."

Canadiens GM says more to Subban trade than public knows | Puck Daddy

Eight NHL teams that could be active in trade market this offseason | USA Today
"After acquiring goalie Jonathan Bernier from the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Ducks have just under $10 million in cap space remaining, according to generalfanager.com."

Hired Guns: South Korea has loaded up on Canadian hockey talent ahead of hosting the 2018 Olympics | THN
"At Anyang Ice Arena, Goyang High1 have just upset Anyang Halla 4-2, finishing with a shorthanded empty-netter, six seconds before the end of the game. It’s High1’s first win in 10 games and Anyang’s first home loss in 18. It wasn’t supposed to happen his way, and the home fans are incandescent, screaming, booing and slagging off that cross-cultural punching bag, the referee."

Datsyuk signs with SKA St. Petersburg | TSN
"Nicknamed 'The Magic Man,' Datsyuk signed a two-year deal with Kontinental Hockey League club SKA St. Petersburg on Friday, ending 14 years in the NHL, all with the Detroit Red Wings."

Rooting for Goliath | Sportsnet
"For decades he's been called spoiled, overhyped, arrogant and a loser. But ahead of his Hockey Hall of Fame enshrinement in November, it's about time you met the real Eric Lindros."

Les maillots du Red Star Kunlun dévoilés | Swiss Habs

AHL Divisional Allignment, Rule Changes, 2016-17 | Admirals
Marlies remain in the North division.