One score and eleven years ago, the Canadian hockey powers that be decided that they had tired of watching the dangerous Reds and their stooges exploiting their ability to keep their best juniors hostage to a national team in order to beat our purebred Canadian junior club teams. Fed up with the constraints of small budgets and of having to try to employ only the talents of one team, these visionaries decided that they wanted to harness the full might of the Canadian hockey landscape: unbeatable goaltenders from our distinct society, rugged defencemen from the West, tireless grinders from the prairies, skilled forwards from Ontario, and unstoppable alcoholics from the Maritimes.
That formula created a nigh-on unstoppable winning machine that strung together juggernauts who won five gold medals consecutively on two separate occasions while racking up 15 gold medals in 31 years. The eight silver medals and five bronze medals were accepted by teams that will live in infamy for their failure to add to our gold rush but at least they didn't suffer the ignominy of not adding to our overall medal haul. Those five teams filled with players within which true Canadian blood ran weak paid for their sins by being herded en masse onto ice floes in Canadian territorial waters and being pushed out to sea.
But now a new threat has arisen in our own backyard. Not content with trying to deploy the best undetectable performance enhancing tools available in summer sports, this threat has moved on to keeping the offspring of the world's best hockey players and indoctrinating them in their red, blue, and white jingoism in order to challenge our God-given right to gold medals. Even worse, they've dared to mock our beloved national symbols in t-shirt form in order to raise funds for their "youth hockey system" (read: genetic cross-breeding program). Three hundred and three co-conspirators contributed funds to this vile scheme. Canada won't even have to break a sweat to find that many hockey fans.
To that I say no more! I call on you and every great Canadian patriot to make a stand and ensure that the gold medal spot on the podium remains glorious and free of anyone that does not fly the Maple Leaf proudly. Wear that determination proudly with this shirt that will display your support for the vanguard of our hockey domination. All proceeds will go to support the continued development of Canadian heroes through charities such as the Hockey Canada Foundation and other youth hockey endeavours.