clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Why Your Team Sucks: Philadelphia Flyers

New, comments

Yo! The Flyers! Suck!

Derik Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Your 2015-16 Season

Against all odds, the rebuilding Flyers rallied from a dismal start to the season to clinch an unexpected postseason berth. The Flyers were a quintessential underdog story, so it was hard not to root for them to succeed. They really gave you no reason to root against th-......oh, and heeeeeere come the projectiles.

To recap, Flyers fans threw not just anything on the ice, but bracelets honouring their newly-deceased owner. Not only that, but they threw them at a player their team concussed! And they did embarrassingly so much, that they actually got their own team a two-minute bench minor!

It's okay, though, because the team was not about to be outdone by its own fans!

So, in case you were wondering what a player that concusses other players thinks of an embarrassing fan display, Philly's got you covered!

It's been almost five months since this happened, and it's still surreal to me. I don't think Flyers fans could've made a greater parody of themselves if they actively tried.

Your Head Coach

Dave Hakstol, better known as your mom's new boyfriend who works in accounts receivable. Doesn't he just look like he hopes you can call him dad someday?

Your Starting Goalie

OH NO!

This was the highlight of a postseason for Steve Mason in which he was 0-3 with a 4.09 GAA and an .852 SV%. And yet, this is about the most stable the Flyers have been in net for years. Never mind that they traded their two best players to afford Ilya Bryzgalov's contract. Never mind that they traded a better goalie to Columbus, then subsequently acquired the goalie Columbus didn't want anymore. Never mind that Roman Cechmanek is an answer to trivia questions. Mason gives them a sense of stability, which only comes crashing down when it matters most. It's the FLYERS way, folks!

What's that, you say? Mason is a UFA next season? Well, you should just accept this fate, Flyers fans. It was this or dying in a car crash. This is Flyers goaltending, after all.

New Things That Suck

Didn't really do anything.....except sign Dale Weise? Their only major change this offseason was to sign Weise until 2020. Weise is terrible; even John Tortorella knew that! He only seemed good because Michel Therrien thought he was good. He had 1 point in 15 games with Chicago last year. He'll never come close to his career high of 29 points again.

You really were better off doing nothing. Doing nothing except signing Weise is the equivalent of promising not to buy anything extra at Costco, then dropping $50 on a melon baller. Are you really gonna use that melon baller? When's the last time you ever needed a melon baller? Dale Weise is the melon baller of the NHL.

Oh, and then there's this abomination, which....I have no words. It looks like one of those Taiwanese knock-offs you can buy for like $3 on eBay:

Things That Still Suck

For starters, here is a list of every defenseman on the Flyers roster not named Shayne Gostisbehere:

In a way, this is your annual reminder that Andrew MacDonald is making $5MM a year until 2020. Between him and Gudas, that's $8.5MM in immovable cap space on immobile defensemen.

And for all the talk about Bracelet-gate, it shouldn't be that surprising that Flyers fans are simply the most boorish, cro-magnon group of sports fans to exist. They're essentially Boston fans with more mustard stains. Game 3 of the postseason still pales in comparison to your fanbase's entire existence. You people still call him "Cindy Crosby" like it's a clever insult. I'm not even joking; here is an actual "meme" that Flyers fans think is funny. You guys booed Santa Claus threw batteries, and tried to fight Tie Domi. My personal favourite was booing an anti-cancer PSA because Crosby was in it. You actually hate the best player in hockey so much that you decided "screw this; I'm for cancer now!"

Based on this video- which I fully believe to be scientific- I'm convinced your fanbase is entirely fat dudes with watermelon hats and women that talk in a way that would be too much for a dockworker. Prove me wrong; you can't do it.

Why You Might Not Suck

Shayne Gostisbehere is good at hockey; also, it's been over two years since Claude Giroux touched anyone's butt, so there's that.