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NHL: Tampa Bay Lightning at Toronto Maple Leafs Tom Szczerbowski-USA TODAY Sports

Hello, adventurous Internet person and/or Leafs fan! If you’re looking for pornography you’re mostly in the wrong place. If you’re looking for a bunch of obsessives who like to talk about, argue about, and over-analyze the Toronto Maple Leafs, come on in!

What is this place?

Pension Plan Puppets is a blog focusing on the Toronto Maple Leafs, a sports franchise that exists to annoy other Canadian teams by monopolizing hockey coverage. From our position in the cheap seats, we cover and comment on every doing of the team—from waiver transactions and game recaps, to breaking down game footage to media analysis to whatever this was.

Why are you called “Pension Plan Puppets”?

Our founder named the site in the mid-2000s when the Leafs were primarily owned by the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan. The education-mongers have since sold their stake in the franchise to media giants Bell and Rogers, but we stick with our name as a tribute to our heritage.

What are your regular features?

Beyond that, we write about whatever’s happening, whatever we’re thinking about, and whatever you’re talking about with the Leafs.

What are some classic PPP pieces?

Who are you people, anyway?

We’re a grab bag of fans from Toronto and elsewhere, and our unifying traits are just loving hockey and loving/occasionally hating the Leafs. You can have a look at our masthead over here.

I heard you’re a bunch of stat-humping social justice warriors.

Sorta. We think Corsi matters and we figure we ought to treat each other decently. If you’re cool with that we’re pretty easygoing.

What are the rules around here?

Be good to people. Moderation is light, but absolute when needed. The full guidelines are here, and everyone should read them. Most of them are pretty obvious, but we do enforce them. Except the swearing one. To be honest, we don’t care about profanity much as long as you’re not attacking someone. Fuckin’ A.

I’m a fan of another team. Can I join in here?

Sure! We’re obviously going to be pro-Leafs to the hilt, but if you don’t mind that or our snark at the Habs and Sens, you’re more than welcome. We have a number of regulars from other fanbases, and some (like Achariya and Annie) have even joined the masthead.

How do I start commenting?

If you don’t have an SBN account, you’ll have to sign up. It requires only an email address. Go to the bottom of any open post’s comment section, tick that ‘you agree to the terms’ box, and join. Now you are one of us. Your complementary PPP cargo pants are in the mail.

I have something I want to write about!

Great! Try a fanpost. Fanposts are a way for anyone to take their shot at writing, and they’ve generated some of the best content in PPP history. They’re also a great way to strut your stuff if you want to join the masthead—that’s how they wound up hiring me, and now I just refuse to leave.

Here are some classic fanposts:

  • David Clarkson Is A Balrog [He Cannot Pass] by not norm ullman. Site regular and crazy person not norm ullman crafted this masterpiece that brutally, conclusively, and hilariously laid out just how limited Clarkson was.
  • Sidney “Tip-in” Smith by Singjay. Singjay occasionally takes up his Internet pen to tell great tales of the Leafs of old. This one’s about star winger Sidney Smith.
  • The Case For Signing Steven Stamkos by Acting the Fulemin. I did all this work and then he goes back to Tampa at the last minute, the ungrateful jerk.

Are the Leafs ever going to win a Cup before we all die of old age?

Yes. Yes they will, and we will retire the 1967 jokes, and it will be glorious.

Welcome aboard.