In a startling press conference hockey scientists representing the “Top 200 Hockey Men Society’ have announced that the Edmonton Oilers are closer to Doomsday - Connor McDavid demanding a trade out of town - than ever before, after Ken Holland announced the signing of Zack Kassian to a four year, $13 million contract.
“With the Oilers line up already filled with also-rans and never-will-bes, the addition of enforcer Zack Kassian being awarded a multi-year contract with a cap hit of $3,200,000 per season has forced us to issue this warning to the citizens of Edmonton and the hockey world at large,” society president David “Dave” Strombowski said in a press release. “Season after season we see the Edmonton Oilers wasting the careers of multiple top draft picks, and soon it will be the end times, when the survivors finally wake up and realize they need to get out of Edmonton for the sake of their careers.”
The Top 200 Hockey Men Society added this contract to the list of reasons they have used to move the clock forward since the Edmonton Oilers won the 2015 NHL Draft Lottery:
1) Connor McDavid’s obvious disappointment after it as announced the Oilers won the lottery:
2) The Edmonton Oilers traded away Taylor Hall just one season after McDavid joined the team, signalling the beginning of yet another rebuild around a first overall pick and denying McDavid a top line winger to play with.
3) The Oilers 149-147-32 record since McDavid came to town, a winning percentage of only 45%.
4) Two of his most common line mates in Edmonton have been Patrick Maroon and Milan Lucic.
5) 13 playoff games over five seasons.
The T2HMS says that while Connor McDavid has so far expressed the complete professionalism needed to continue a stagnant career in Edmonton, eventually he will reach a breaking point where he will demand a trade out of Edmonton, causing Edmonton to be stuck in a constant loop of rebuilding the team.
Hockey scientists say that while this could be deadly to the fanbase in Edmonton, it’s necessary to keep the conferences balanced since the Buffalo Sabres have also been stuck in the same vortex of rebuilding since 2015.
Now, the good news.
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Alright, enjoy your day everyone. Edmonton, don’t push Connor farther to the edge today.