A series of bizarre but seemingly isolated incidents involving hockey players and turtles has led to tragedy. But the NHL has reportedly seen an opportunity to play a full season without risking the health of their players — using mutant turtle men that are immune to COVID-19.
But let’s go back to the beginning. It all starts with Braden Holtby and his new contract with the Vancouver Canucks. After signing the new deal, Holtby and his family began the process to move to their new home until they hit a snag at the border.
Vancouver Canucks goaltender Braden Holtby is stuck at the United States-Canada border and is unable to get through U.S. Customs due to a peculiar problem. Holtby can thank the issue on his two pet tortoises, because he does not have the permits needed to let both of the animals cross the border.
According to his wife, Brandi Holtby, the Canucks newest goaltender has improper paperwork for the pets and is holding up his travel.
You are correct. 😂— Brandi Holtby (@bbholtby) November 18, 2020
Now, why is this an issue? Because illegally smuggling turtles out of the United States and into Asia is actually a big problem. If you click on that link, you’ll see a familiar name* pop up:
Fifty miles from the biologist’s office in South Carolina’s Department of Natural Resources, state law enforcement officers had happened upon Nathan Horton, a notorious turtle trapper and trafficker, hiding out in a storage shed. Nearby, they found more than 200 live turtles.
* = Not the same Nathan Horton who played in the NHL
Thankfully for the Holtbys, they managed to finally get across the border with their pet tortoises. Everything was finally looking up, until... tragedy struck.
There is a huge sinkhole with a glowing green liquid on Hastings Ave off of Gerrard. While it would be on brand for 2020 to have the Ninja Turtles appear in Toronto, the city tells me it’s a non-toxic dye added to see if the sinkhole is connected to a sewer. (📷@citygiancarlo) pic.twitter.com/uTAMU7UJhQ— Richard Southern (@richard680news) November 20, 2020
In a freak accident, Holtby’s turtles fell into this glowing green radioactive sewage that transformed them into mutant turtle-men. The NHL, tearing their hair out trying to think of a way to start the next season in 2021 while keeping their players safe, saw their opportunity. They are now looking into making more of these turtle men who are resistant to COVID-19, and who can play an even faster and more physical brand of hockey than has ever been seen before.
In fact, there was a concept photo* leaked from the NHL’s plans:
* = No, YOU don’t have anything better to write about hockey right now!
ONTO THE LINKS
It’s beginning to look a lot like WJC season | by Katya. I’m looking forward to the potential Amirov-Abramov line combination.
Mikko Lehtonen released from Jokerit loan | by Katya. Our shiny new defenseman signing from the KHL is heading to Canada to prepare for the next season (if/whenever it happens).
Dialogue open between NHLPA & NHL to find way to start season | Elliotte Friedman, Chris Johnston and David Amber at Sportsnet talk about the latest news about the contentious negotiations between the NHL and NHLPA.
Artur Akhtyamov is the Leafs 16th ranked prospect | by Nick Richard at TLN, who looks at the Leafs new goalie prospect just drafted out of Russia.
Keefe reflects on one year behind Leafs bench | by Mark Masters at TSN.ca, including an actual report actually asking an actual NHL coach about using a 3D2F lineup configuration.
Maple Leafs prospect report: Updates on Kral, Brazeau and players in KHL | by Joshua Kloke at The Athletic. It includes some notes and quotes on Veeti Miettinen, Eemeli Rasanen, and Ryan Tverberg as well as those mentioned in the headline.