Team: Chicago Blackhawks

2015-16 Season

Well, this is how it ended:

The Blackhawks not only managed to lose in the first round, but they lost to the Blues. They managed to blow a playoff series against a team that has been first round cannon fodder for years. Even Blues fans were shocked by this choke job; I'm sure they were like "well, another postseason come and g- wait, we won?!" I can't understate how hilariously bad this is. Losing to the Blues in the playoffs is like losing to Glass Joe in Mike Tyson Punchout.

Sure is weird how going all in on some big-name rentals like the Andrew Ladd reboot, Dale Weise, and Tomas Fleischmann didn't pan out. How did it go so wrong? Well, I thank you for your question, but I have too much respect for the legal process to comment.

Your Head Coach

Joel Quenneville, who has the perpetual look of someone that just found out his wife was in a car accident:

I've also noticed that every year, it seems as though Quenneville's voice gets throatier and raspier. I can't say I'm surprised. You can't fake years of whiskey. I'd probably bring a flask to games if I had to watch this tire fire of a blueline, too.

Your Starting Goalie

Corey Crawford, who has broken barriers in the NHL by becoming the first Vezina contender unable to breathe through his nose.


New Things That Suck

Brian Campbell is back! Wait, THAT'S your big plan? Bringing back a 37-year old blueliner on his last legs for a year? I mean, it's a pretty successful plan; he's probably a better defenseman than most other people on this team, even if his joints are held together by silly putty.

The team had to part with one of its better prospects in Teuvo Teravainen, all because they were that desperate to get Bryan Bickell's contract off the salary cap. Strange; I thought you guys only threw away good players when you won a Cup.

Oh hey, and Captain Serious got a Twitter account. Follow now and you'll get great #content like this!

My god: your captain is literally every white girl on Instagram ever. This is amazing. We're close to getting a Toews tweet with a motivational slogan captioned with "#blessed." I can taste it. It tastes like pumpkin spiced mayonnaise.

Things That Still Suck

Hoooooooooooo boy, where would you like me to start? Sweeping their star player's sexual assault allegations under the rug by refusing to address the situation in a press conference specifically held to address the situation? Celebrating that same star player all year, despite obvious discomfort regarding that situation, because he happened to have a career year playing with a 45-year old Russian rookie? Sitting out their insignificant AHL player charged with revenge porn, only to reinstate him after the prosecution called a jurisdictional whoopsie? Man, they've really cemented themselves as the most morally reprehensible team in hockey now. I never thought anyone was capable of beating the Kings for that title, but even the Kings at least pretend to care. You guys are just the equivalent of that kid who plugs his ears and goes "LALALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING."

But, the real shining star of your team is the fanbase itself. My god, throw a little legal trouble at the general direction of Blackhawks fans, and they act in a way that even Penn State fans would call "juuuuust a little over the top." Sure is weird how all of a sudden, every person who owned a Blackhawks jersey suddenly became an expert in criminal procedure and due process. And my god, the trutherism! The conspiracies! You people are just one big, long Infowars segment.

I mean, seriously, how reprehensible of a team, organization, and fanbase do you have to have that people will actively cheer for St. Louis against you? I can't stress this enough. You're such a garbage heap of a team that people saw you were playing a team from a city that's basically just one giant Trump rally and were like "yeah, they're less disgusting than you."

Hockey-wise, this team matches their name, in that neither has a single D to be found. The bottom half of their blueline still contains the rotting corpse of Michal Roszival, who as I recall, perished from polio in 1927. Beyond their handful of star players, they've lost or traded away all their reasonable depth and prospects. They're a top-heavy team that needs above-average goaltending from an inconsistent goalie to stay afloat. Also, your reminder that this is a thing:

Finally, a reminder:

What Might Not Suck

Eh, you ended up trading Shaw to draft Alex DeBrincat, so you can probably unload about five more prospects and still somehow win another Cup. Not this year, but it'll probably happen eventually.