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We have a totally legit copy of the acceptance speeches for Mike Babcock and Auston Matthews for tonight’s Awards.

2016 NHL Draft - Round One Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

While breaking into the vault deep below the ACC to find the Leafs pre-season schedule, we also found this strange document on a jump drive. It took our team of data scientists a few days to decode, but we can finally reveal the contents.

We believe we have the acceptance speeches for both Auston Matthews and Mike Babcock for the NHL Awards to be held tonight. The strange thing is, it’s all one speech. We are posting the text below:

Thank you to the NHL for hosting this show, and thank you to the PHWA/NHLBA for this Calder Memorial Trophy/Jack Adams Award. Uh — I really appreciate it, and it’s shiny and nice, but everyone knows that Sidney Crosby/Mike Sullivan won the only award for a player/coach that really matters this year.

All I want is to take that silver cup on a tour of Scottsdale/Saskatoon. That’s all I’ve ever wanted out of the game. We play the game to win it not to focus on our individual achievements.

This trophy/award is an honor/honour, and it’s fine/real good that the media voted for me, but I’m nothing without the team. The Leafs stopped playing before we wanted to be done this year, so I don’t count it as a success.

Mr Lamoriello/Lou always says that a team has to function like an orchestra. It’s not about the first violin/conductor. It’s not the star that matters; it’s the team that makes the music sound good. We want to be really/real good next year.

My teammates/assistants are who makes my success happen. It’s them you should give this trophy/award to. I thank every one of them for making me look good every day. A lot of the moves that made me seem like a top player/coach happened because Willie and Hyms/Jim and DJ were there doing the work first.

Obviously, I want to thank my parents/parents, wife and kids for being there for me and supporting me. And I want to thank Babs/Auston for helping me to win this trophy/award. He always makes me look good

Oh, and yeah, uh, Patrik Laine and Zach Werenski/Torts and Todd are great players/good men and good pros, I know Zach really well/Todd real good, and I respect Patrik/Torts as a competitor. So it was an honor/honour to be considered in the same group as them.

Thank you everyone, and sorry, Fehrsie, we really will miss you next year. Hope you like it in Vegas.

So there you are. I hope you still enjoy the awards tonight, and if both Babcock and Matthews win, you won’t be surprised if their speeches sound a lot alike.