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The horrors of Toronto Maple Leafs merchandise

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Time to gear up for the new season.

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Shop.NHL.com

Two years ago I got a Maple Leafs hat for Father’s Day. It was nice, but now it’s faded, and the logo is out of date. With the new season around the corner I logged on to shop.nhl.com to see what I could find.

I found the place where nightmares are born.

2014 Winter Classic ticket lanyard - $4.99

This one is fine, if not out of date. Five bucks is still a bit much for the ability to wear a 3 year old ticket stub around your neck.

Maple Leafs branded baby wash - $19.99

Do you need to wash your baby? Occasionally we’ll all need to wash our babies, what with the constant nose running, vomiting, pooping, and peeing all over themselves that they do. God, babies are disgusting. $20 isn’t bad, but shipping is $15 so you’re probably better off just popping over to the grocery store.

Game Used Puck cuff links - $170

Cuff links are what you wear to a classy event. People use specific ones to show off their interests. These ones say “I had $170 and thought dirty rubber would be a nice thing to show off”.

6”x 6” Winter classic car magnet - $2.99

I mean, it’s $3. And shipping is 5 times the price, but hey, who wouldn’t want a magnet logo of a three year old hockey game on the side of their car?

A box of water - $49.99

Not just water, I mean you get a plastic puck and some fancy filler in there, but essentially you’re buying a $50 box of water.

Man Cave entrance sign - $59.99

SIGN SAY MAN CAVE. CAVE JUST FOR MAN. NO NOT MAN IN CAVE.

And if you didn’t build it in 1917 this sign is a liar.

Framed photo of a big puck - $49.99

Like....what?

Stupid looking boots - $93.99

These are stupid looking boots. They look arm and fuzzy like winter boots should look, but they are so not waterproof, so good luck wearing them in the winter.

Stupid boots, but in black! - $62.99

For $30 less you can get them in black!

Cheetah print flip flops - $12.99

“What are we going to do with these fuzzy leopard print flip flops?”

“Stick a logo on ‘em, fans will buy anything”

Very wordy baseball cap - $25.99

There is so much going on, on this hat, but really the worst thing about it is the flat brim. I bet it’s a snap back as well.

A hat you need to lace up - $29.99

Okay, a lace up front with leather brim? What the hell is this? Nonsense is what this is.

This toque - $22.99

This toque is what would have happened to the Leafs if they jumped on board with the crazy nonsense 90’s fashion of the NHL like the Lightning, Mighty Ducks, Kings, Canucks, and the Blues & Flyers (almost).

Mug wearing a sweater - $10.99

Also available in cable knit for $14.99

Does your coffee get too cold? Well keep it warm with one of these lovely mugs.

Bottle opener from a game used stick - $95.00

Do you have bottles to open and a hundred bucks to spare? Then buy a bottle opener made out of a game used hockey stick! Or, just make one yourself and lie about it.

Nonsense Hoodie - $64.99

RUN TOR! RUN-TOR! RUNTOR?

Meme t-shirt - $54.99

Wal-Mart Style Knock off Jersey - $59.99

Have you ever wanted one of those not-a-jersey-jerseys from Wal-Mart but felt like they weren’t priced high enough?

Leafs gargoyle - $19.99

My only issues with this guy is that he has “Toronto Maple Leafs” written across his belly button. Why is that?

The shorts section

No cargo shorts? Forget it.

Gold Necklace - $74.99

Do you want a silver necklace with gold on top of it? A very, very, lazy necklace. Just a rectangle that says ‘Maple Leafs’? Zzzzzz.

CANADA’S TEAM SHIRT. CANADA HELL YEAH! - $27.99

I especially like that there are TWO logos on this shirt, just in case people you walk by need clarification.

Sweatshirt with bleach stains - $69.99

Did you spill bleach on your shirt once and throw it away? Why? It’s apparently worth $70.

If you want to get ready for the season, here are your best choices, or, if you’re not a Leafs fan and want to get a gift to make a Leafs fan mad, I made you the perfect list.

Happy shopping!