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Top 10 Most Annoying Ranked Lists and 1 That’s Fun

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I rank the rankers, and find them all rank.

Borje Salming Of Toronto Maple Leafs
A retro jersey that is actually retro.

Yesterday NHL Networks posted this:

And I don’t even know why, where it comes from, and if it was a twitter poll or something else. This does not matter because this is a ranked list, and all ranked lists are bad. Except one.

So, instead of talking about hockey, because there is none, I will now complain about the top 10 ranked lists from least to most annoying. No wait. That’s partly why they’re annoying. You hold on to find out the number one. No, like NHL Network, I’m starting at the top. (Also, you can’t do backwards numbered lists in our CMS.)

  1. Any ranked list that purports to be about NHL players, but is actually a measure of the size of fanbases like the silliness up above. Why is this the worst? Because it tells you there’s a lot of people willing to admit Connor McDavid is better than everyone else, and also that there’s a lot of people in New York City and not many in Buffalo. It’s Wikipedia population statistics done through hockey player names. Interpretive dance would be more entertaining.
  2. Draft prospect lists assembled when the prospects a year older haven’t even been drafted yet. I can barely take regular draft lists and the endless fervent belief in the ability to objectively compare a Swedish goalie to a Russian defenceman to a Canadian winger. Do them when the players are all 16 and 17 and it risks turning into trainspotting, not player analysis.
  3. Draft prospect lists that go deeper than the top 100. Okay, to be frank, anything that goes over about 35 names makes me tired, but once you’re into the “and everyone else” territory, your entire list becomes a cruel mockery of the ones that do stop before it gets silly. No one, no not you who has seen all those videos, and no not you either who has done the live viewings (gag), really know the difference between 100 or so junior hockey players in 14 different countries. Stop it.
  4. Best player of all time lists are also really stupid. I hate them, and I hate them particularly because you, person that made one, you looked up points for guys like Ken Randall who played in 1919, and hockey wasn’t even the same game then. Besides, some oik always comes along to claim Gretzky wasn’t that great because the goalies were bad then, and then I get really mad. Gretzky wasn’t that great because Jari Kurri was the real star, and you kids today just don’t get that.
  5. Any list that involves jerseys. Historical, international, retro, fake retro, current. I hate all these lists, because most NHL jerseys are deeply horrible and most of them should be tied for last on these lists with about two or three that aren’t grotesque topping the list, but no one ever does that. Also people like the Mighty Ducks logo and that always makes me annoyed.
  6. Which reminds me: Lists of hockey movies. The Cutting Edge, Breakfast with Scot, turn the TV off. That’s the list. All the rest are stupid. If you want to stretch the definition, I’ll accept Chak De! India.
  7. All current player rankings are, by nature, bad. They are born bad, they stay bad, and even if I agree with them, they’re bad. But goalie ranked lists are the worst because they always end up as a list sorted by wins.
  8. Any list that uses the term “power rankings” is annoying, bad, and they should all be printed out and burned in a firepit in a midwinter ritual. It’s just a pretty euphemism for recency bias and they’re designed to make more people agree with them more than the other sort.
  9. Prospect rankings by team are annoying. Not as annoying as draft rankings, but they become a way for fans to yell about how their prospects are great and all the rest suck. They’ve never even heard of half of their own, and they know nothing about any other team’s draft picks other than who got Lafreniere. The entire exercise tells you which teams had high draft picks lately, and not much else.
  10. Ranked lists of the player’s pets are fine, as long as all of the pets are tied for first. This is the only nearly not annoying ranked list format allowed.

And now the one, the only ranked list that is fun. The Top 25 Under 25, now with more real people and fewer unused draft picks in it! Yes, we are going to fill this winter of our hockey-less discontent with a repeat T25 vote and countdown. There is precedence for this, the very first year of the T25 had two lists in it, one in-season and one post-season.

The planning for this is about as firm right now as the NHL’s proposed start date for the next season. So we’re easing into it today with the list of eligible players, because that’s fun, and also, you get to edit it for me to see if I forgot anyone or spelled some names wrong.

Without further ado, the NHL contracted or drafted players under 25 on August 1 of this year:

November T25 Eligibility List

Player Summer 2020 Rank Birth Date Nationality Position
Player Summer 2020 Rank Birth Date Nationality Position
William Nylander 3 May 1, 1996 Sweden W/C
Adam Brooks 11 May 6, 1996 Canada C
Pierre Engvall 9 May 31, 1996 Sweden W/C
Egor Korshkov 17 July 10, 1996 Russia W
Travis Dermott 8 December 22, 1996 Canada LD
Denis Malgin 16 January 18, 1997 Switzerland W
Vladimir Bobylev NR April 18, 1997 Russia W
Mitch Marner 2 May 5, 1997 Canada W
Joseph Duszak 19 July 22, 1997 USA RD
Nikolai Chebykin NR August 1, 1997 Russia W
Auston Matthews 1 September 17, 1997 USA C
Kristians Rubins NR December 11, 1997 Latvia LD
Vladislav Kara NR April 20, 1998 Russia C
JD Greenway NR April 27, 1998 USA LD
Joey Anderson N/A June 19, 1998 USA RW
Joseph Woll NR July 12, 1998 USA G
Mac Hollowell 22 September 26, 1998 Canada RD
Ian Scott NR January 11, 1999 Canada G
Eemeli Rasanen NR March 6, 1999 Finland RD
Pontus Holmberg 18 March 9, 1999 Sweden C/W
Ryan O’Connell NR April 25, 1999 Canada LD
Timothy Liljegren 7 April 30, 1999 Sweden RD
Nicholas Abruzzese 13 June 4, 1999 USA C
Filip Král 20 October 20, 1999 Czech Republic LD
Semyon Kizimov NR January 19, 2000 Russia C/W
Rasmus Sandin 4 March 7, 2000 Sweden LD
Axel Rindell N/A April 23, 2000 Finland RD
Filip Hållander N/A June 29, 2000 Sweden LW
Semyon Der-Arguchintsev 15 September 15, 2000 Russia C/W
Mikko Kokkonen 12 January 18, 2001 Finland LD
Kalle Loponen NR March 13, 2001 Finland RD
Mikhail Abramov 14 March 26, 2001 Russia C
Michael Koster NR April 13, 2001 USA LD
John Fusco N/A June 12, 2001 USA LD
Nicholas Robertson 5 September 11, 2001 USA W
Veeti Miettinen N/A September 20, 2001 Finland RW
Rodion Amirov N/A October 2, 2001 Russia LW
Artur Akhtyamov N/A October 31, 2001 Russia G
Roni Hirvonen N/A January 10, 2002 Finland C
Ryan Tverberg N/A January 30, 2002 Canada C
William Villeneuve N/A March 20, 2002 Canada RD
Topi Niemelä N/A May 25, 2002 Finland RD
Wyatt Schingoethe N/A August 3, 2002 USA C
Dmitri Ovchinnikov N/A August 19, 2002 Russia F
Joe Miller N/A September 15, 2002 USA F

We will definitely have a community vote, and I need to find a site to run that on. We will have a masthead + extras vote, and we need to find the extras, so if you want to nominate someone for us to ask, do so. Also, please tell me if I missed anyone.

Our tentative schedule for this is to get the voting going by the end of this week, since we don’t need to think too much about this, we did that already. When I have this figured out more, and I’m ready to open the community vote, I will let you know.

In the meantime, get ready to be mad about who voted for which player at what ranking and to declare who is the next Wayne Simmonds. (Hopefully the old Wayne Simmonds, but I digress...)