From The Branches

BURLINGTON, VT - Socially conscious dairy confection manufacturer Ben & Jerry's has today annouced they will be introducing a new flavour for the summer, honouring potty-mouthed Leaf favourite, John Mitchell. The new flavour, to be named 'F___ing Strawberry Shootout Sniper'', will feature real strawberry

You know who I don't trust? Apart from the French and circus folk, obviously. Linesmen. Like a dentist, a linesman is inherently bogus. Hither and tither they skate, looking for their violations involving the centre and blue lines – using such arcane language as 'icing' or '

"One, two! One, two! and through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back." Tremble, all ye pineapples. Look upon your works and despair. The time of reckoning is nigh. I predict an extreme proliferation of

* Dr Steve rails against the forces of impatience * Maple Leaf Hot Stove: Keeping the link hounds of the Barlikosphere in a job. Today, it's a look at the entry draft, the superstars in the making and the possibility of more acquisitions come the summer. * Treading a now familiar

I'm bringing Matty Black Them other boys don’t know how to act. I think you're special, what's behind your back? So turn around and I'll pick up the slack. Justin Timberlake quotes? In my PPP? Yeah, right, well. Many thanks to

It's tough times out there all over, so it's with a heavy heart that I stand here before you today to say that Mattblack has been canned. His FTB writing was almost average on some days, but I liked the one-legged little guy anyways. He

He say you under arrest, Mr Stempniak. He say you blade runner. It is delicious elbow. You must eat. Om nom nom. * Down Goes Brown and the Marquess of Queensbury - a fitting combination if even I saw one. * If the entertainment ain't taking place out there on the

ATTN: Dear Sir/M, I am Mr. Jason Spezza, an Auditor of a BANK OF THE SCOTIA, NIGERIA DIVISION (FCT). I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future. Some years ago, an American

16 games left on Gerber-Watch '09. 109 days until the draft. Only two more chances for the dirty Habitants to further deplete our roster without any sort of disciplinary comeback. Yes, couldn't think of a riff today. Sorry. And apparently, I now have an hour less

Big news, everyone. I've been privy to some very sensitive information, which I will now share with you. I have in my hand a piece of paper, slipped under the door of my flat in the dead of night, which details the Leafs defensive partnerships for Monday nights

Right, Edmonton. Edmonton Edmonton. They're pretty good, right? I mean, they were in the finals a few years ago. With that nice Mr. Pronger? And the goalie even worse than ours? Yeah, that's Edmonton. Can't see that we'll have any problems losing

And one says to the other, "How do you suppose we drive this thing?" There's a chap who works in the same office as me. Middle aged, smokes like a chimney, dreadful moustache. Most early mornings, it's just he and I here and he

I'm not sure a real punch is taking place here. ...but then I lol'd. (May not have contained actual mirth, glee, merriment or yuks.) * I sense a schism. On 'Team Optimism', we have Junior, Toronto Sports Media, Maple Leaf Hot Stove and the Analysis

It's the morning shift here on the National Affairs Desk and there's going to be a lot of ground covered today - should it live in infamy or not. PPP and Chemmy will be working the phones, Wrap is going to be providing a sorely need element

It sure is quiet out there. Maybe too quiet. It's the sort of silence you'd get in a room full of people just after Michael Jackson has offered to babysit. 56 hours to go and the best we've got is Bill 'ZOMG!'

"Put 'em up, put 'em up!" via fireballtim.com Late running linkerage today, so without further ado... * Down Goes Brown envisions the offspring of a union twixt Leafs and sens. * Steve and his analysis welcome the return of the somewhat all-conquering heroes. * Against my better

As some/none of you might remember, our glorious 2IC Chemmy recently laid down a challenge to watch the Sharks - Red Wings game. Specifically - "I think it would be an enriching exercise if we all watched two well coached talented teams go at it." Well, I've

Different Sport, Same Principle. Play Beautiful, My Brothers. * Dr Steve is as mad as all heck and he ain't going to take it anymore. Melt Your Face Off is just mad. And a bit sweary. * TSM tries to light a fire under Burkie. Eyebleaf thinks it's

Whitey and Marcus make with the smoochies, yesterday via static.howstuffworks.com * First up, SN Nation has had another litter of pups. Go say hello at On The Forecheck (for your Preds predilections) and Matchsticks and Gasoline (for the acceptable face of Alberta). * More trade tittle tattle - anyone would think

....which is all Lent is essentially, right? Here's a fun game all the family can play. On the left, five of the glorious blue and white. On the right, what they'll be giving up for lent. Can you match all five? Are you smarter than a

Does anyone else get the creeping sense that the events of yesterday are going to be a whole lot more exciting than deadline day? The wires haven't exactly been singing with tales of trade piracy and wholesale dupery. However! All we need do is saunter over to our

It's gratifying to know that it's not just my career that's being ruined by the mighty blue and white this year. But isn't it interesting that we're beyond the pale as far as coaches go and yet kick-start every

If he loved us, he'd have missed. Just saying. Now that the Bromma Pantechnicon has returned to the land of rioting Guns n' Roses fans and dubious Olympic fiscal policy, let's look forward to a return to the days where we passionately argue and fall

Your heroic writer assumes the position for the next 48 hours. via www.extensor.co.uk Right, let's make this as brief as possible shall we? * Toronto Sports Media, Eyebleaf, Torontoist, The Hockey News, Toronto Mike, Jared and Down Goes Brown. And TSM again - this time with a

You know what kind of zone the FTB is? It's a 'Sundin-Chat-Free' kind of zone. Really, there are bigger things in life. Call your mother. Read a book. Go to the theatre and feel bored but worthy. Above all, never forget who the true