The Leafs may be halfway through their season, but the most important season of all kicked off last night. The Bachelor season. In honour of the show, we decided to rank the actively playing Leafs on the basis of how well they would perform in the leading role. Criteria include:

  • Attractiveness, and how likely it is that the women are into him
  • Charisma - similar to the above, but this also includes how charming he’d be to viewers and how invested they would be
  • Eloquence - a Bachelor must be able to express themselves clearly and elucidate their thoughts and emotions in order to be compelling
  • Nature - an outgoing, extroverted Bachelor is simply better TV than a quiet, introverted one
  • Desire to find love - to preserve the sanctity of the show, we would prefer that our Bachelor is at the stage in life where they are ready to settle down/

Note: we are pretending that all players are single and eligible.

  1. Patrick Marleau - I think Marleau is the undisputed choice. He’s good-looking, very successful, is a good pro who will know where to stand, and how to hand out roses. He can serve as an example for Bachelors to come about how to retain their attractiveness and poise into their late prime. He’s outgoing enough, eloquent, and has a tonne of charisma and attractiveness.
  2. Matt Martin - Martin is in the sweet spot for the age range that they usually cast women in for the show. Aside from that, he’s charming, and will give great in-the-moments (ITMs). These are the parts of a reality show where a cast member speaks directly to the camera, after being prompted with an unseen producer question. As a bonus, he will fight anyone who disrespects the women.
  3. Connor Carrick - We’ll put it in his contract that he has to keep the glasses on at all times. Carrick would be great on-camera. We see the in-depth answers he gives to banal questions by the media - based on that, I’m confident his ITM game is strong. He’s a thoughtful guy who won’t just pick the most conventionally attractive girl, but will have actual, legitimate conversations. Carrick is young, but he’s an old soul at heart, and I think he can pull this off.
  4. Zach Hyman - Fulemin told me to put him here, or he’d stop being on the podcast.
  5. Morgan Rielly - Annie told me that Rielly should be higher than I have him, and I can see why. Rielly is a natural leader, with a lot of charisma. He’s a great hockey player, which adds to how much of a catch he is. He’s funny, charming, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s very good looking. The only thing dropping him below #2 on this list is his age. At just 23, we’re not entirely sure that Rielly is ready yet. He needs a couple years to really solidify his candidacy.
  6. Ron Hainsey - Hainsey could also be a little higher on the list. What hurts him is his unwillingness to open up to the media and display his personality. It doesn’t bode well for a show like the Bachelor.
  7. Nazem Kadri - Let’s be real, the Bachelor would never cast Kadri because he’s not white.
  8. Connor Brown - Let’s be real, the Bachelor would never cast Brown because he’s ginger.
  9. Nikita Zaitsev - It’s a testament to how attractive Zaitsev is that his discomfort with English only knocks him down this far. I think he’s charming in his own way, but his apparent introverted nature and understandable reticence with English demote him.
  10. Leo Komarov - Leo gets very high marks in charisma and outgoingness, loses marks in the other two. This changes if he goes with the handlebar moustache, though.
  11. James van Riemsdyk - Species threatened to fire me if I rank him any higher, lest I give the producers any idea.
  12. Jake Gardiner - Jake would be a terrible Bachelor... I think he’s a little too derpy. But, it would give me enough GIFs to last a lifetime, so I’m actually all for it.
  13. William Nylander - Willie will start out strong, but I’m worried the women will lose interest when he spends all day filming texting David Pastrnak. If he actually let loose with his personality, he’d grade out higher, but I can only judge on what I see, and Nylander’s answers to media questions are as dull as dishwater. Age knocks him down too.
  14. Andreas Borgman - Will have the women salivating over him, but will spend more time looking at his own shirtless reflection than the contestants.
  15. Frederik Andersen - Given how often Freddie hangs out with the 20-year-olds on the team, I’m not sure how ready he is to settle down.
  16. Tyler Bozak - Maybe Bozak should be higher, but I’m already sick of seeing him for 13-15 minutes a night every game.
  17. Kasperi Kapanen - Too young, but he has a fun personality that I’d enjoy watching.
  18. Dominic Moore - Moore is so bland that I couldn’t even think of a blurb.
  19. Roman Polak - On the other hand, this would get him off the Leafs....
  20. Auston Matthews - Wayyyyyyyyy too young.
  21. Mitch Marner - Older than Matthews (allegedly), but still way too young.