There has been a lot of complaining online about the Toronto Maple Leafs lately. The team is just too good for the internet to handle.
Really underestimated how insufferable Toronto (and national!) reporters would be once the Leafs got good. I have no one to blame but myself for being unprepared.— Barry Petchesky (@barry) October 10, 2018
Some people can't handle the truth about how great the richest, most important, star filled team is.
Is there a reliable way to segregate Leafs Twitter from the rest of hockey Twitter in your feed? Asking for a friend.— Nick Mercadante (@NMercad) October 11, 2018
We've heard your complaints. We've studied them hard and today we will provide you with apologies best suited to each team in the NHL, and hockey fans in general.
We’re sorry your franchise is only relevant because our star player came from your state. When we watch Mitch Marner, no, wait. When we watch John Tavares - Nope, wrong one again. When we watch William Nylander - I’m sorry. When we watch Auston Matthews we know in our hearts that because there was no demand to watch your games, little Auston was able to get close and personal with your team and get that passion for hockey he’s brought to its rightful place.
We know you’re sad about missing Matthews, but hey, picking Dylan Strome over Marner is going well, eh?
We’re sorry you have Randy Carlyle. We get it.
We’re sorry that we took Calder Trophy winning goaltender Andrew Raycroft away from you in exchange for that devil Tuukka Rask, who you apparently hate with all your hearts. Would you rather have Justin Pogge instead?
We’re sorry that our rebuild that started after yours has already finished.
We’re sorry that your team is trying to siphon money away from civic projects to build their billionaire owners a new plaything.
We're sorry that you have too many defenders. We'll gladly take one off your hands.
We’re sorry for nothing.
We're sorry that Canada legalizing weed takes away the only reason free agents would want to sign with you.
Columbus Blue Jackets
We’re sorry Doug MacLean is given a platform in Toronto.
We’re sorry no one appreciates your no-names on defence like you do.
Detroit Red Wings
We’re sorry your arena district is a failure and you have to change your brand new arena seats so it’s not so obvious no one cares about your team unless its stacked with superstars.
We’re....we’re just so sorry.
We’re sorry about how bad the attendance will be in Quebec City in five years.
We’re sorry we forget you exist until the day you come to town.
We're sorry you handcuffed yourselves on who can be your GM/coaches. I'm sure when Patrick Roy takes over in January it will go smoothly.
We’re sorry you've picked up on the trend of throwing perfectly fine food on the ice. Why not toss a donation to your food bank instead?
New Jersey Devils
We’re sorry you had to hold your Cup 'parades' in your arena parking lot.
New York Islanders
We’re sorry that John Tavares loves us more.
New York Rangers
We’re sorry that you’re the fifth-most popular team in New York City.
We’re sorry about how great the attendance will be in Burlington in five years.
We’re sorry we sent you back a broken James van Riemsdyk.
We’re sorry you’ll be facing your 13th bankruptcy after Sidney Crosby retires.
St. Louis Blues
I thought you moved to Saskatoon.
San Jose Sharks
We’re sorry that John Tavares loves us more, we’ll make sure to send flowers when Erik Karlsson leaves you in July.
Tampa Bay Lightning
We're sorry the Leafs couldn't lure away the often-injured Steven Stamkos, and now you don't have the cap space for Erik Karlsson.
We’re sorry that you picked Jake Virtanen over William Nylander.
Vegas Golden Knights
We’re sorry that you’re going to have your expansion team season this year.
We’re sorry that you never learned Tom Wilson is a sentient poo emoji.
We’re sorry the entire province of Manitoba was put in stasis from 1996-2011. That happened right? It’s the only explanation about why you all think this is the same team you had before. I hope you took the news about Eaton’s okay.
Canadian NHL fans
We're sorry that you don't understand how corporate for profit media works. You see popular things get the most air time because viewers = money and money is all they want. It’s nothing against you, it’s just that, well, you don’t matter.
American NHL fans
We're sorry that our team is older than all of yours and has more fans and that means more people talk about it. Plus we're just great people, that's why you follow so many of us.
International NHL fans
We're sorry you were so dumb and chose not to cheer for the Leafs. You have no local teams! You had all the options available to you! You silly people.
To everyone out there, we're sorry you're not Leafs fans. We believe in second chances and have a spare Jersey on hand for anyone who sees the light and needs help to the one true path to hockey salvation.