I had a whole thing planned to write this in the style of a fairy tale, I was having fun with it up until the 30 minute mark of the game. Then I didn’t want to finish because it was all a giant goddamn mess. So here’s what we’re going to do.

I’m going to show you clips of the game, you watch them, suffer again, because I don’t know why anyone would want to read a recap of this game. If you watched it you should know better, but if you didn’t well, I warned you in the headline.

Then I’ll grab some tweets and embed them in here, because I’m a lazy millennial* and this is how writing works these days.

*Or not, depends on who you ask. I mean I was able to buy a house and have a full time job with benefits, so I guess that may kick me out of the millennials club.

Here’s this piece of shit game.

Aleksander Barkov broke away from the group on a face off 18 seconds into the game and set the tone. He scored a goal, putting the puck past Frederik Andersen, knocking over Nazem Kadri, in the process.

Colton Sceviour scores after Nikita Zaitsev falls down.

Leo Komarov scores. Yay.

Jonathan Marchessault makes it 3-1.

Marchessault scored again.

Reilly Smith scored.

Nikita Soshnikov then scored, because maybe he didn’t catch a fish today so he was able to still play hockey I guess.

Jussi Jokinen scored, but I thought he retired.

Keith Yandle scored.

Then they stopped scoring and even pulled their goalie for like 10 minutes, but the Leafs still lost 7-2.

Here are some tweets, yes I’m lazy, whatever, I shoved my sidewalk 5 times today and my back hurts.

No shit.

Thanks Kadri.


I like nachos.

This is going to be good.

Matt gave some good advice, but he’s still a shitweasel.

See, because they fucked around on the gold course today before the game.

The next game is Thursday night in Tampa Bay.